Friday, June 21, 2013





Monday, May 27, 2013

Don't Close Your Eyes

Let's just be quite while they speek
And let down our minds for a moment to sleep
Understand that I don't mean to hurt
I just want you to hear my words

I never knew that you could make such a daring choice
Sounds to me like you only love your voice
Trying to bend the truth with the sound of your beating heart
With your thoughts more twisted that the darkest parts
You could never know
How hard it is to let go
Because You've been holding on to what you think
Is the best thing to hold on while you sink
Into the thick cold black, blue hole
Where you bury the sounds that speak to your soul

One day we could try
To open our blind eyes
And search for something more in life
Than just our mistakes
And see what turn life takes
Instead of holding on the the crust of the city
While the besieging sounds of sin start sounding pretty

I know my mind has been lost in the streets
But I know that I can overcome the stress I meet
Because I've been planted on the solid ground
Where I finally see my strength is found
And I don't have to give up at the sign of death
While I keep a steady breath
I'll show them that I will not be moved

Lets look out
One more time
So that we can see
That sun shine
Before out minds doubt 

Friday, May 24, 2013

Let Go Of The Earth

Living in Malawi is good. You learn to let go of the world.

 Best friends leave every year - friends who live everywhere on the globe, who you very well may never see again; The power cuts and you loose work and website addresses that you may never be able to find again; Electronics or other things get stollen every now and then, and you have to just get over it; Fuel prices go up and weekend plans have to be cancelled... You learn pacience, self conrtol. You learn what is really important and what doesn't actually matter. You learn to lean on God and wait for Him to give you what you need, and take things away if it's time. You learn that life isn't about oneself, or even the world at all; it's more. Think outside the box, dang it!  The earth is in a great big box, but outside of it, there is such a thing as 'purpose', and living for the Kingdom.  There are things that really matter out there, things we should find - that we should hold on to - but they aren't of this world.  One must let go...

There aren't the same pressures in Africa as are in America, and not the same concerns and prioreties - shoved down your throte by TV and other media.  You see a different side of things after living in Africa for a while. You see God in things, and love that you didn't quite feel as deeply before.   Africa is more real world to me; people KNOW the world isn't perfect here, and they don't/can't really try and make it that way.  American culture is alot about self and comfort - making life, somehow, perfect... It's just not realistic.  I'll get comfort in Heaven, or here from the Holy Spirit - The Comforter. And, honestly, it's never about self - can't be, won't be, isn't.

There is more.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

If You Think You Are The Best

     If you come to a place like I did, then you'll understand what I mean when I say that sometimes you  get to the point where you believe that you are the solution to someone's problems. I've tried so hard all my life to fix people's problems, to be the one person that can help, the "only" person that can help. I wanted everything to turn out  where I got the glory and I was the one who received the praise. I wanted so badly to hear the words "I love you", "You are amazing", "You have helped me so much", so that I could get what I want. I became someone hungry to help, only so that people could see me, the only person that I really cared about. I became obsessed with the words of others. I only wanted to be known... I wanted to hear that I did a good job. I can try to blame it all on my hard times, but it's truly from the center of my pride.

   I  wanted to be the only solution. It killed me today, but in a good way. I read a long un-published  blog post by a friend about how God saved her, and in her solitude, in her tears, she cried out and was saved from herself, from the pain she felt. I wanted to be the one to do it... I desperately wanted it deep down in my sick heart, to be the one that could claim the title of the ultimate lover, of the ultimate savior. I exalted myself in my mind to be more important than God... I threw away all of myself... I threw it all away

  I wanted at first to save her, but not by myself, I wanted to show her the love God had showed me, and help give her advice... I immediately knew deep down that I would become too attached. I hungered to be the most loved. I cared only about myself... I played it well for while.. I sickly lied to my best friend... I lied to myself. I did care about God, and loved Him  with all my heart!... But I cared more about her... and it tore me apart.

  I came to a place where I only cared about getting the attention and love I wanted... but I was never able to help, because I was only allowing myself to help...

  Sure, I like this girl, and I love her, but I made her an idol in my life. I made her more important that I made God. When it's time for me to back up and let God do what he needs to do, I was killed inside. But being killed, I am reborn. I now know that I was never meant to do this. I was meant to love, to obey, to help, to pray, but I was never meant to take God's place, or at least try. I've been in the rough because I've been in the wrong, but now that I see, I can finally rejoice that I am not strong enough to do this all alone :D! I am not able to do this :D! I have never been so happy that I can't do something in my life! I am so happy that my friend is able to find the truth, even though I've messed up and have done wrong! And in knowing that, I've finally been able to break down the barrier that I've been trying to find. I am free, and can grow again.

   I still love my best friend, but I am so happy that she is able to do so much without me, and that I am not number one :D!

  and... I LOST THE GAME!!

Saturday, February 2, 2013


It's so tempting to just let yourself give up. To let go of everything and all the truth that you had. It's so easy to let down your guard and just go and get lost in the flow. When I sit back and relax it's easy to forget the reason why I was standing before. It's easy to lose your place and wander off and just forget about all that you were doing. Sometimes we pray for things like this. To just have an end. To just be done. To finish.

But how can I finish? There is no way that I'm done with everything. There are still people lonely, depressed, and worse off than me. How can I sit back and be fine with all of that? It's so tempting to allow myself to forget the faces of people that I know need someone. It's tempting to try and hide myself in a room alone so that people don't have to come and ask me for help. And it's so tempting to think that I really can live all alone. All by myself. All alone.

Is that really the way that I am supposed to live? Isn't life supposed to be free? Why am I still living in my own captivity? Can I get up and move, or will I sit frozen? Can I hear the words that are written down? I am free, and there is nothing that can shake me or break me into temptation. Maybe if I say that I'll never deal with it all again, right? I'm free, right? I'm free.

If I say I'm free, than I'm free, right? Or am I? Or will I? Can't I? Will I just sit here and question myself? Or will I do something that could change someone else? True joy is found in the son, but what happens if I can't see him? Can I? Will I?

Yes. There is only one answer.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Searching for an Answer

People are always searching for something to fulfill them and they never find it. I have been struggling with this for some time now. I know God is the only way I should go but I feel like I am always trying to find a way to get out of that. I just went to my Youth Group ad it was really great we talked on The Bible, which you might think that that is always what youth group, is but this one we talked about how God shows himself in his work and through his work. And i didn't realize how much He shows us that we pass by everyday. I still have a hard time finding God sometimes but He is every where and you don't even have to search to find something that will fulfill you all you have to do is open your eyes. And the only way to open your eyes is for Christ to heal your blindness. I need that to happen in my life so that I can follow my Lord.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Jesus is My Answer

The Bible says that if we call on His name, we will be saved

 "For whosoever shall call upon the name of 
              the LORD shall be saved." Romans 10:13 (KJV)

My Answer 

Jesus is the answer to everything when we open up our hearts to accept Him and take on the opportunity to trust in Him.  Unfortunately, I have to keep learning this truth the hard way.
Sometimes it feels like there is no one holding me, that I am alone, that God just isn't really with me anymore or even out there at all! It is all beyond false, no mater what I let myself believe, though,  (THANK GOD!) because He is ALWAYS with me, and ALWAYS there to help me through!

A couple of my favorite verses include encouraging promises from God:

"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant."  Psalm119:76

"... because God has said 'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'"  Hebrews 13:5-6

I have been through a lot of hard times, lately in particular, just like everyone else. I've felt alone for reasons I couldn't control, discontent because of present circumstances, unloved because of people I didn't have, broken because of mistakes I couldn't take back, helpless because of things I couldn't fix, left behind just because of how things turned out, scared of outcomes over which I had no say,  and so on.
 Granted,  sometimes I may put the problems on myself. This might be because I am ashamed, or believe the lies that are in my head. In those cases I wouldn't have ever had such issues if I'd just confessed my faults to someone or brought my troubles to God; But instead, a mountain was left to build up deep inside of me.  Regardless, life (and sin) present real problems and real hurts. We've all been through them and will always go through them until the day we are with Jesus in Heaven.

Often times I try and hide my problems, and God is the last person I want to talk to.  Usually I don't want to talk to anyone at all! This isn't to say that I don't ever want help or that I don't want peace or answers. Of course I do!  The sad thing is that I look for security elsewhere. I'll waste away my time on the computer hoping for a sense of purpose, drown out my life by listening to music or watching other people's lives on TV, cry until all I feel like doing is dying, mope, or, (rarely) I will talk to someone.  
The real answer, and the real hope, is found in Christ alone! God dose give us people in our lives to help us, but He wants us to go to Him, too, because He knows what's best for us, and He is always what is best.

"Then you will call and the Lord will answer, you will cry for help, and He will say 'HERE AM I'" Isiah 58:9

Although I never FEEL like going to God at first, once I choose to, I feel His peace wash over me. I know that I can talk to Him about anything, that He knows everything already, and that I can ask Him for anything.  A lot of times I ask Him for wisdom or for the desire to go to Him.  He gives me so much! The key is to ask.  He will give, but He wants us to ask Him first.  He wants us to want the gifts He can give, and to have true gratitude in our hearts.

When I go to my King He is more than a Father, more than a perfect ruler, more than a Friend and a helper; He is my life, my salvation, my happiness and joy, my strength, my security, my all in all and so much more!  God is always looking out for me and wants what is best for me.  He will help me through anything in my life. What a privilege it is to  be able to lean on Him and give up my burdens to Him.  He is the answer. He wipes away my tears.

..The path to life.  In Him we don't just survive, we LIVE and have life everlasting!  

"Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30 

 How has Jesus been your answer?


In the center, I find the answers
All the things you can do, are much more than I knew
Maybe the whole time I was so captured by your beauty
So much of you blew right through me
Overall I had the greatest downfall
More than that, you picked me up and gave me my life back
And the end, never came, and we can spend
Days on days, together, and all I can say is
Love, is the the only drug
You are the only one that makes me feel so happy
Inside I am exploding as you take me on this ride
Never will I ever
Live to see the things that truly kill me
Only you, can make me move
Vigorous activity, satisfies me vehementally
Every time, I see you smile it makes me, so happy.

I know that I am just a young man, with a young heart
But I have always loved you from the very start

Dear, God
The first part was for you,
Dear, love
This next part, I want you to listen to.

I know that I am just a young boy
And I have no singing voice
Maybe I should have left you be
Stuff like this gets so wierd for me
Only you, are the girl I choose
If I could have someone, it'd be you
Never forget, that I will be right here
Love is something that you don't have to fear
On time, I will try my best to be
Very hard, I will work forever for you to see
Everytime, I am so lost in love when you look at me.

I love you so much I could just hold your hand and run away
I know, I wont see you for more than twenty days
And a year, but that is not a reason for me to give up
Because my love for you is something that I can't stop.
And I thank God for you each day
And I will pray, that we don't have to part ways.

I love you both.

Monday, January 21, 2013


         Honestly so many things are in our lives that will try their best to take our dreams and get rid of them all. It feels like you can't do anything, because honestly what is your name? Who would care to know you and hear about your dreams at night?

        We tell ourselves that we are insignificant and alone and helpless, but that is the furthest thing from the truth. You have a purpose, and You are destined to do great and amazing things in life. So many things will try to make you back track and give up. People will tell you that it's impossible. When people say that, I should be even more happy, because I can achieve the impossible.
        What do you want to be? A writer, docter, athlete, business man, singer? Go at it with all your heart. Sometimes dreams may fail, but there is no need to give up. Keep going until there is not more ground that can be stood on. Don't ever let someone tell you that you can't do anything. The truth of what you can do, lies on how much you will believe you can do something.

        My dream is to bring LIFE. People tell me that being nice or that loving people no matter what will just leave me used by people and taken advantage of, but honestly, if that means helping them and making them feel loved, then go ahead. I will never forget that I need to love and bring life. I choose no matter how bad my circumstances are that I will keep on moving on. Looking back is not an option for me, because I know that it only will make me fall over.

       Even when you feel like turning back, just remember the one person that is there always. He is watching you and is always there, if you just alow Him to. Don't ever forget about the one person who will be there more than anyone.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

You Don't Have To Be Perfect

     Here is a Blog Post I am linking to.

Jeremiah 1:5-9
 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew[a] you,
    before you were born I set you apart;
    I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
“Alas, Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am too young.”
 But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am too young.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the Lord.

Then the Lord reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “I have put my words in your mouth.


                         . Lies .      
How often do we listen to them?

                   "I need to be this"                                                                 "I'm not good enough"

1 Peter 3:3-4
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

Romans 12:2 
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

1 Samuel 16:7
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Psalm 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 138:8 
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hands.

Romans 5:8
"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." 

God's love for us is unconditional. We deserve nothing less than Hell, and yet God chose to love us and help us, and give us a way to know Him!  Why do we feel the need to be perfect? Through Christ we are made perfectly complete.  We can't ever be perfect in ourselves, or satisfy ourselves with ourselves. The answer is always Jesus. 

"Why do I feel so ugly?"  "Why can't I do anything right?"
                                                  "I'm not good enough"
  ... Go to Jesus; He can fix anything!  :)   

I think one of the hardest things for me is to go to God when I feel, anything really: anger, sadness, that I am a failure, that I'm not good enough, even that I'm too good...  What I should do, is go to Him and talk to Him about it.  I keep things inside me and it get's twisted around to be more, or less, than what it should be. And that is when the LIES come in to play.  

My challenge for you (and for me)  is to go to Christ right away, - talk to God, read His word, - when you feel out of place. He can set it straight and protect you from the lies. It's all in the choice of weather or not to go to your perfect King.  

"If we are not perfect how will we make it?"
Our Savior is perfect; Our Friend in Jesus is PERFECT; Our God is perfect; And our King, the creator of the universe, is perfect, and is with us.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Can you answer me

Is it the questions, or is it the answers?
Can you hear the feeling that makes my knees hurt?
I don't understand the things that I do
Why am I so obsessed
The things don't let my mind rest
Haunted by my own inner self

Creeping and crawling down the stairs
Looking for something that controls my own actions
Can you save me, can you help?
Is it the hard thing to tell
Can you say it, or can you spell?
Whisper it, maybe in my ear?
Can you scream it, to the sleeping sensations that ring at night

Bring out the paper and hand me the colors,
But there are no lines that can keep them safe from the others
I can't comprehend the mess that I've made
Some times I get so very afraid
To the highest point of the mountain top
Friendship only goes so far
Before it all falls off the side of what we hold so hard

Teach me a new trick
So that I can learn to outrun the signs
The symbols and markings painted on my left eye
In here I can't hear
They shout, but not a sound,
The tree falls but no one is there to hear

Pinch me I must be dreaming
But the sounds of the ghosts are the only ones beaming
In the corners
In the walls
Down the street
In the halls

Is it the answers, or is it the questions?
Am I set apart to learn all these lessons?
Can you hear the seconds or listen to the melodies of minutes?
Hand me your hand so that I can grab hold and fix this.

Are the sounds to loud
Or are they truly too quiet.

Thursday, January 17, 2013


Jesus Did it Anyway

New Life

 Without you I am nothing;  I am your creation.   Close to you, my soul has peace, but I chose to look away.  Masking the truth of sin and lies, I lied to myself and avoided the guilt of confession.   
Without you I began to die.
Without you I was nothing.
My body ached. My eyes grew heavy.  Nothing seemed worth the energy that it took to see. 
I died inside; to the truth...  
And that was... me.  

Your grace gave me a second chance. 
Your mercies broke my chains.
In all your love, you revealed yourself, and hope returned. 
The beauty that had fled my face, and the world I was in, came back, more beautiful. 
You're my life. 
In you I live, I am not just alive. 
Praise you for your redemption!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Last Christian Generation?

I want to Introduce this to you:

The Last Christian Generation (click HERE) is apparently a book by Josh McDowell and David H. Bellis.  

It is initially for people involved in youth ministry.   It has been found that Christian teenagers who are involved in church during their teens rarely continue being involved once they are in their twenties.  Our harsh culture attacks what Christians try to believe and teach. 
 Part of an article I read, that mentioned this book, said this:

"...A new factor, somewhat unique to today's culture is a "distorted worldview filter" unwittingly adopted by our youth and adults. This filter tells them:
• Truth is relative, not absolute.
• Science and spirituality are at odds. 
• Science confirms that I am nothing but insignificant dirt.
• An irrational, spiritual tradition can help me cope with this harsh reality. 
• However, I am in no position to critically evaluate someone else's tradition.

With this distorted filter in place, even solid biblical teaching can leave teens unprepared to stand firm in their faith."

When I read that, I couldn't believe it.  I couldn't believe how true it is that this is what we are lead to believe these days.  And when I think about it, it all goes against everything I believe and corrupts words like "Truth"  that used to carry so much more meaning!

In the 'book description' I read:
"The research on the current generation of young people reveals an alarming fact: they have redefined what it means to be Christian."

Personally I think my generation is redefining everything. 

God has been putting on my hear lately different things that surround one purpose: Being a REAL "Christian," or follower of Jesus Christ.   What that means is not pictured in following the "don'ts," such as "don't do drugs," "stay away from sex," "don't cut yourself,"  "don't swear" ...Although those things should be noted, it is a shallow thing to dwell on them alone and hope to change a kid's heart. True "Christianity" is different and is defined by the Bible.  It is beautifully seen in an intimate relationship with our Heavenly Father. It is in knowledge of Him and a growing passion to follow Him. 

 I Don't feel particularly "rutted" in Christ all the time, and I feel like "the Church," or my fellow Christians, are far from rutted. That is bad!  I think a lot of things that used to be in "the Old Christianity" have been lost, and our generation in particular, is utterly confused and torn between God - what is right for us to do- ,  and what society and culture and even our authority figures tell us is "right" or "ok."  We don't really know. We know we don't really know.  The spreading, harsh culture we live in doesn't help us a bit either, and we are easily taken away because we are not rutted! 

Spending time, lots of time, getting to know God and being with Him should be a priority for those of us who don't want to fall away, and maybe the way "Christianity" is taught to teens should be changed a little.  
The world seems to be falling apart, but God never does, and never will.  I wanna cling to that with my life!  
Spread the love.

I suggest this article to you. I read all of it, so you can too.  
[ (Probe Ministries) Is This the Last Christian Generation? - The Future of American Christianity]
 [ / ]

Again, Check out the book, [here], suggest it to your youth pastor. Whatever. 
Read some verses! [ / ]
Check out a Christian Teen Website. [ / ]

Sunday, January 13, 2013

When Pain Turns To Satisfaction

Establish me
Break me into the diamond you desire
Don't forget
Please forgive me for my mess

If its too much for you
Cut me off, please cut me off.
If you can't forgive me now
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry

I can understand
I am the worst of a sinful man
And I can't control!
My hands and feet keep shaking
I can't control!
My mind knows the decisions I'm making

Grieve because you've let him down
Maybe this pain will make it all okay




Now I'm too lost to be lost
But somehow I've been found...


I can hardly breathe when the time comes when you are with me
Looking into my heart with your beautiful eyes that pierce through my soul
Only you make me feel so happy, but lost
Vanity tries to sneak inside, but I found a way to hide it all
Every time you remind me that there is someone worth more than you
You keep me walking to the one that I should
Opening my eyes and I just can see the bright sun
Underneath the quiet face you use everyday
Draining the life from me
Everything you do is too much for me
All that I could look for is too small to compare with this I've found.
Remember me; I miss your warm arms around me.