Make it 99

I didn't start this poem series, but my best friend did. She came up with the idea for a blog and her first poem that she put up was for her summary. It was a poem about how even when times are tough and we may have 100 steps until we finally are free, but tonight we'll take that first step at least. 

The whole idea was so perfect to me. Flawless. It was just such an inspirational and motivating poem. I immediately became attached to the idea. I asked her later if we could write a poem series about our struggles along the way to  breaking free from what binds us. She agreed, but soon we both forgot. Recently... I've been really struggling. My thoughts are spinning around in my head and I feel like I have no where to go. So I've been writing more in this series. It's super awesome because I bring my thoughts to paper and then from there to God. I feel like this is how I am able to grow even closer to him. 

I thank my friend for her marvelous idea. But mostly I'm just happy that I can maybe help someone stuck like me.

Stone Ears

What do I say?

What words can I give?

These people want to die

Rather than live.

I can't save them

My words are so few.

They don't understand

Because they just don't know you.

They speak of bars,

And I've never seen them.

They talk of prisons,

But I only see freedom.

We fight to the death

And we waste all our breath 

With loud shouts just to prove

How I win and you lose.

I don't know what words to say,

Because they don't want to hear.

I don't know how to save,

But that's not why I'm here.

Use me anyway you want

Because a hero is what I am not.

Just take these hands of mine

Because it's getting so hard to find

The right things to do.

I don't know what to say to these people

Because they really want to hear themselves.

Monday again

I think maybe we all think sick thoughts. Maybe we all are disgusted with ourselves and each other. Maybe we are all just sinners waiting to finally be burned in the flames.

But if we are, I don't want to be! I'm sick and tired of hating myself and others. I'm tired of thinking about all these terrible things. I don't want to be dominated by my emotions and by my stupidity. I'm tired. I just want to be free!!

10:40

"10:40"

Everyone decides when the time is right

To tell you how to make up your mind.

I don't remember the last time I could think

Without someone telling me,

Exactly what they want me to do.

I don't remember the last time I could come through.

I hear your voice

Even as it starts to fade

Into the back of my stereo

Set on replay.

I want to hear you more

As I burn these cities of glass down.

I want to hear you more

As I burn these cities of glass down.

When will I find

That place where it's just you and I?

When will I find

That place where we can hide.

I want to run away together again

And forget about these voices telling me

That I need to listen to them.

Because even in this loud tremor

I can hear your whispers, loud as thunder.

And I can hear;

It's the sweetest song I know.

It's the sweetest song I know.

Won't you let me run away with you

One more time.

Because these voices try

Their hardest to pry

A way back inside.

Wake me up

When we get there.

Because right now,

I just want to sleep in your peace.

“Feather”

City planes drift

And city clouds shift

While mountain tops lift;

Sometimes I don't have enough stones to skip.

I watched the waters ripple into streams,

And subtle slumber turn to dreams

Of the world we wish we'd see,

But it just doesn't seem like it'll be.

Casper casts his shadow

Upon the dark and shallow

Waters that seem to go on until tomorrow;

One day we'll run out of days to borrow.

Sometimes when I wake up,

I think of what the world will look like at the end.

“I Can See The Horns That Start To Show”

                        

They used to tell me your stories

Just as I fell in my bed.

These tales of my deepest thoughts

Are now often unread.

They tell me the world will be saved

But what if they can't hear you?

What if they can't hear your voice?

See I've been thinking,

With everything sinking

Like ships with holes,

If we are speaking

And still not hearing,

Will we pay the toll?

Will we be ready

When the reaper comes

To take his wages?

Will we be ready

When the moon turns to blood

And the stars start to fall upon us?

I don't think we understand.

No one fears anymore,

We've been raised up to be too brave.

Aren't we scared of the wrath

Rushing in like a crashing wave?

We don't know how terrible the fire burns,

No we don't understand how much it hurts.

You tell me that I don't need to worry

But I don't think you know the times are getting shorter.

You tell me not to worry

But we don't know how great will be the disorder.

I know the horses are coming close.

I stand by the gallows waiting for my sentence.

I never wanted this to happen,

I never wanted this to happen.

I just need your spirit

Wrapped around my heart and mind

So that I can live this time.

“Grass Stains”

I like to remember the times

When I was a young boy

And days became dreams.

I like to think of the rhymes

When I was full of joy

And flowers became trees.

I miss you my closest friend,

Because I think you had a bit of my southern side.

I miss calling her momma, and dreaming of saddle rides.

I remember my dreams of becoming a cowboy

And saving my family from the clutches of bandits.

I remember the day

When all of the sudden, I wanted to become them.

I know that deep down I’m a country kid

Clothed in a city dweller’s robes,

Because when I look back on what I did,

I dream of these dirt roads.

I dream of nights like these

When the trees whisper their secrets

To my aching ears

In hopes of soothing my sorrows.

I miss nights like these

When I find some story,

When I find some dream.

Take me to a better place

Than what I dream of.

Because dreams are great,

But I know they can’t come close to yours.

Take my heart

And take it to the night sky.

Because I have dreamed all my life

Of sleeping on the moon.

“11:00”

We don’t know,

How could we forget.

Oh we don’t know

How real these eyes see.

Are we really,

Shouldn’t we know?

To be honest,

How could we forget.

Every time I close my eyes,

Something seems to come on by.

Every time I close my eyes,

Hell takes its time

And opens its gates wide.

Not me, it can’t be me.

Don’t you think

Something different would finally be in my mind.

“12:00”

I know that you’re there.

I feel you

I breathe you.

I see these open doors.

Somewhere out in those valleys

Lays our great adventure.

I dream of the grass.

What a great dream.

I think I’ll write it down

So that I can’t ever forget you.

When the dark creeps in,

I want to remember.

May

I used to dream that I would bring that hope to your life

But I think I let you run dry.

I thought that one day

I could save you

But I think maybe I brought you right to hell.

Sometimes I wonder

What it would be like

If I never said a word to you

If I never even whispered.

Would you be alive?

Would you be alright?

I wonder if I buried your casket 

In a hole dug by me.
I hate to think

That you were killed by poetry.

Dear Lost Friend of Mine

I see my friend just so far away from what he believes.... He's so lost. He used to be a rock for me when I was so lost... But now he is even worse off than I was. I can't save him and I never could... Only God can.

I don't understand how someone so sure of their beliefs could take a u-turn and walk away. I don't understand how he could give in... He was so strong... But now he's just fallen so far...

God what do I do? How do I help? What can I do to make this better? What words can I say... What prayers can I make? I believe in him so much... But God, what do I do? I die inside when I realize that he's so far from where he wanted to be. 

God just save him! Because I want to see him at the end! I believe I'll see him, so lord help him to be there as white as snow! Don't let his blood cover his broken body! Save him God! Because I miss seeing him around! I miss his encouraging words...

My Thoughts As Of Lately

I make my way towards home everyday. I'm trying so hard to keep my mind from going back to where I was. I know I'm struggling and falling, but I can tell that soon this will all just fade away. I can feel his hands on my shoulders... I can feel him telling me that I'm just doing great... Even when I know I don't deserve it.

I see you everyday and I know that I don't deserve any of these things you e done for me. 

For the longest time I wanted to save this world, but I don't know if I should give up... Can I make a difference... Or is this just another time of useless actions that lead to nothing.

I realize that I can't be the one to save them from their graves. But your words can be upon my lips, and I know that they can save.

Even if my friends are dying now... I know that you won't let them die... I believe that you can save anyone... They just have to choose you, and I can't choose for them.

I can't lie and say that I don't weep for my lost brothers and sisters... The ones that keep running away... I can't lie. I just want them to come back God... I just want to see them smiling again.

Morning

I don't want anything else, but just to know and feel his presence. I haven't felt close to him for so long, and I'm dying to feel him again. I just want that sweet taste, and I just want to know that I'm still  in love. I never wanted to get so far away, and I've let my mind wander. I just pray that my spirit would keep growing stronger and my flesh weaker. I pray that my heart would grow bigger so that I can stand against all difficulties and sin. I pray that my spirit would surround my heart and mind, and I would hear his voice in my head. I pray that I would be like David, crying on His face to you. I don't want to be like I have been. I don't want to be the same. I don't want this to be a routine, and I don't want this to be just The Way It Goes! I don't want my heart to be the same day by day. I want to be alive again.

Teenagers

Ok so to be honest I think teenagers are dumb. Just so stupid. Why blow your whole life away doing crap that ultimately isn't that cool or awesome, it's just bad which apparently makes it cool.

See I have no problem with kids. Kids are crazy and do things that are dumb, but it's all for the sake of adventure and normally what they do is just something that could have broken an arm. But generally these ideas are so creative, so unique that they end up over reaching for the impossible and get hurt.

See teenagers don't do that. What do we do? We follow. We follow each other. Just the blind leading the blind. Or we follow something dumb we saw on T.V. We become obsessed with things that are unnecessary and hold us back. We look up to people that only bring us down. And as far as the creative aspect, we have very little imagination.... We just don't do anything.

At the beginning of your teens you just are do excited to be called a big kid... But you just gave up all the imagination and creativity that you had... You have it up to be big, to be cool. And then once you figure out how lost you are... You spend the rest of your life trying to find that child again. Or you move on to the next stage: the big teen.

 

The big teen life is just being in your twenties and 30s and just wanting more. What's the point of drinking yourself to death? What does it do for you? And the next part of being a big teen is looking back at your teen years and wanting them all back. You become a dead old man who never learned to grow up.

And then there are actual adults. They understand responsibility, but they don't just do whatever, they have a purpose. You have fun still, but life isn't about a party.

I think I never got into the whole party phase, but I've waisted so much time wanting to stay in the teen phase. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of only being around people that have no respect for others or themselves. I'm tired of people just killing themselves....  But sadly that's just the way it goes.

But it doesn't have to be that way! It doesn't have to be just a purposeless life of death! Why don't we just grow up! I'm happy that I'm finally becoming a man. I'm tired of being a teen. I'm ready to commit.

Going

I realize just how lost I've been. Whether you believe in God or not, you can argue that we're all looking for comfort and something. Some kind of truth. Some sort of love.

I try so hard to run from God. I read thee verses about how we are all bound to worshiping God forever. I think to myself... Man what a drag... I have to spend the rest of my life worshiping something... I don't get to relax or do what I want... I don't get what I really want. And it's funny because I believe in God, but I still struggle to want to worship Him forever. 

So I run away. I tell Him that I'll stop, but I can't handle the responsibility. It's like the job I had a while ago. I was making $11 an hour but I worked for 10 hours on a Saturday about once a month. And I didn't want to give that up. I wanted to be able to do what I wanted for once, get everything I wanted. But whenever I finally do whatever I want I find it unsatisfying... I find myself more empty than before. I try to run away from all I've done.. I try to run away from God.. I try to live all on my own, but I can't. I physically, spiritually, and emotionally can't. I feel so alone... I keep running.

And I listen to songs about doing what I want and I get on a high of pride and self esteem. I get into a groove of doing whatever I want, not caring about anything.

But when I fall on my face again... I find myself desperate for his love. 

I love the lyrics to this song called the sinner:

"I know I could never run far enough to escape your love, so why do I keep running?" 

It hits me hard and I just realize how much I love him and want him. 

Whether you're looking for love in Drugs, sex, money, whatever... There's only one kind  of love that will satisfy.

And I have to realize it everyday.

I Wonder What Happened

Honestly I look back on the past 2 and a half years of my life and I ask what happened? How could life turn to be this way? I ask myself everyday why I still ask myself this everyday. Why do I ask how I got here, I already know.

I've been a mess for a while, struggling with an addiction, and my parents are now divorced. My mom remarried, my sister lives with a guy that she doesn't like completely (but I mean every young couple fights), my dad is finding another girlfriend, and now I'm graduating. I have a job, but I'm scared out of my mind. I had a girlfriend, but now that I don't, I find myself insecure everyday. I find myself looking for a girl that I don't need, and I find myself trying to please my selfish greed for lust and sin. I look back at myself as a kid, at least I was good at masking everything and pushing everything away, now all my mess is out in the open. I keep trying to get closer to god, but every time I fall down, I just want to stay there and weep. I want to belong in the dirt sometimes. I get headaches from thinking about all of this too.

I think I can't handle life hahaha, but who can to be honest. I cry all the time for my friends struggling with addictions like me. They all try so hard, but none of us can seem to shake them. I don't know how people I look up to did it. Sometimes I wonder if they just lie to me and they still are addicted inside. I cried for my best friend as he dabbled into somethings because of a new friend. I seeing him around all the time, but you know, that's just the way it goes when you live a life surrounded by misery.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't even think I am like this. Maybe I have a problem. Maybe i just over think everything. I don't really know what I do anymore. I have written hundreds of poems but was always too scared to publish any of them, because I feel like they're not good enough. I feel like everything I do is not good enough. Right now, while writing, I just had an epiphany that I never feel like anything I do is good enough or ready enough, and that's a problem I have. I'm scared and I want everything to be perfect. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my future self and  younger self, I feel like they would have a lot of great wisdom.

I've been trying hard to love, but every time I come back to my addiction, love doesn't come to mind, just regret and frustration. I don't really get confused, just frustrated. I know exactly what I'm doing is the honest and sad truth, but under pressure I reject all wisdom I had. I abandon my conscious. I don't understand why I do that.

I pray to God every morning, but I don't know why I feel so distant from God. I realize now that it's because it's just about loving Him and pursuing him, and I know I haven't. I think maybe that's why I'm writing now. I'm trying to figure out what happened to me.

Ever since I started writing poems frequently, I haven't been able to not think. I'm always thinking. And it hurts my head so much. I have no idea.

I love love though :). I love seeing people everyday. People make me so happy. I have the best friends and brothers and sisters anyone could ask for. I'm a blessed man, and I'm blessed to be able to think. I wonder what God says about me in heaven. Sometimes I really wish I could hear him whispering in my head instead of my own fantasy. That would be amazing.

Sometimes life is rough, but I guess That's just The Way It Goes.

-T.J