Wednesday, April 30, 2014


Ok so to be honest I think teenagers are dumb. Just so stupid. Why blow your whole life away doing crap that ultimately isn't that cool or awesome, it's just bad which apparently makes it cool.

See I have no problem with kids. Kids are crazy and do things that are dumb, but it's all for the sake of adventure and normally what they do is just something that could have broken an arm. But generally these ideas are so creative, so unique that they end up over reaching for the impossible and get hurt.

See teenagers don't do that. What do we do? We follow. We follow each other. Just the blind leading the blind. Or we follow something dumb we saw on T.V. We become obsessed with things that are unnecessary and hold us back. We look up to people that only bring us down. And as far as the creative aspect, we have very little imagination.... We just don't do anything.

At the beginning of your teens you just are do excited to be called a big kid... But you just gave up all the imagination and creativity that you had... You have it up to be big, to be cool. And then once you figure out how lost you are... You spend the rest of your life trying to find that child again. Or you move on to the next stage: the big teen.
The big teen life is just being in your twenties and 30s and just wanting more. What's the point of drinking yourself to death? What does it do for you? And the next part of being a big teen is looking back at your teen years and wanting them all back. You become a dead old man who never learned to grow up.

And then there are actual adults. They understand responsibility, but they don't just do whatever, they have a purpose. You have fun still, but life isn't about a party.

I think I never got into the whole party phase, but I've waisted so much time wanting to stay in the teen phase. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of only being around people that have no respect for others or themselves. I'm tired of people just killing themselves....  But sadly that's just the way it goes.

But it doesn't have to be that way! It doesn't have to be just a purposeless life of death! Why don't we just grow up! I'm happy that I'm finally becoming a man. I'm tired of being a teen. I'm ready to commit.


I realize just how lost I've been. Whether you believe in God or not, you can argue that we're all looking for comfort and something. Some kind of truth. Some sort of love.

I try so hard to run from God. I read thee verses about how we are all bound to worshiping God forever. I think to myself... Man what a drag... I have to spend the rest of my life worshiping something... I don't get to relax or do what I want... I don't get what I really want. And it's funny because I believe in God, but I still struggle to want to worship Him forever. 

So I run away. I tell Him that I'll stop, but I can't handle the responsibility. It's like the job I had a while ago. I was making $11 an hour but I worked for 10 hours on a Saturday about once a month. And I didn't want to give that up. I wanted to be able to do what I wanted for once, get everything I wanted. But whenever I finally do whatever I want I find it unsatisfying... I find myself more empty than before. I try to run away from all I've done.. I try to run away from God.. I try to live all on my own, but I can't. I physically, spiritually, and emotionally can't. I feel so alone... I keep running.

And I listen to songs about doing what I want and I get on a high of pride and self esteem. I get into a groove of doing whatever I want, not caring about anything.

But when I fall on my face again... I find myself desperate for his love. 

I love the lyrics to this song called the sinner:
"I know I could never run far enough to escape your love, so why do I keep running?" 
It hits me hard and I just realize how much I love him and want him. 

Whether you're looking for love in Drugs, sex, money, whatever... There's only one kind  of love that will satisfy.

And I have to realize it everyday.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I Wonder What Happened

Honestly I look back on the past 2 and a half years of my life and I ask what happened? How could life turn to be this way? I ask myself everyday why I still ask myself this everyday. Why do I ask how I got here, I already know.

I've been a mess for a while, struggling with an addiction, and my parents are now divorced. My mom remarried, my sister lives with a guy that she doesn't like completely (but I mean every young couple fights), my dad is finding another girlfriend, and now I'm graduating. I have a job, but I'm scared out of my mind. I had a girlfriend, but now that I don't, I find myself insecure everyday. I find myself looking for a girl that I don't need, and I find myself trying to please my selfish greed for lust and sin. I look back at myself as a kid, at least I was good at masking everything and pushing everything away, now all my mess is out in the open. I keep trying to get closer to god, but every time I fall down, I just want to stay there and weep. I want to belong in the dirt sometimes. I get headaches from thinking about all of this too.

I think I can't handle life hahaha, but who can to be honest. I cry all the time for my friends struggling with addictions like me. They all try so hard, but none of us can seem to shake them. I don't know how people I look up to did it. Sometimes I wonder if they just lie to me and they still are addicted inside. I cried for my best friend as he dabbled into somethings because of a new friend. I seeing him around all the time, but you know, that's just the way it goes when you live a life surrounded by misery.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't even think I am like this. Maybe I have a problem. Maybe i just over think everything. I don't really know what I do anymore. I have written hundreds of poems but was always too scared to publish any of them, because I feel like they're not good enough. I feel like everything I do is not good enough. Right now, while writing, I just had an epiphany that I never feel like anything I do is good enough or ready enough, and that's a problem I have. I'm scared and I want everything to be perfect. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my future self and  younger self, I feel like they would have a lot of great wisdom.

I've been trying hard to love, but every time I come back to my addiction, love doesn't come to mind, just regret and frustration. I don't really get confused, just frustrated. I know exactly what I'm doing is the honest and sad truth, but under pressure I reject all wisdom I had. I abandon my conscious. I don't understand why I do that.

I pray to God every morning, but I don't know why I feel so distant from God. I realize now that it's because it's just about loving Him and pursuing him, and I know I haven't. I think maybe that's why I'm writing now. I'm trying to figure out what happened to me.

Ever since I started writing poems frequently, I haven't been able to not think. I'm always thinking. And it hurts my head so much. I have no idea.

I love love though :). I love seeing people everyday. People make me so happy. I have the best friends and brothers and sisters anyone could ask for. I'm a blessed man, and I'm blessed to be able to think. I wonder what God says about me in heaven. Sometimes I really wish I could hear him whispering in my head instead of my own fantasy. That would be amazing.

Sometimes life is rough, but I guess That's just The Way It Goes.