Saturday, February 11, 2017

When All I Have

-for our kindred-

"When All I Have"

Blow a dart through the eye of a needle
In a beetle's bull's eye's eye of the fetal
Position used to permission the perspiration of children
Flowing from the cycle wheels on their next revision-
The cat walks in the bathroom with the lights off,
Cat's cough, drops his neck soft loft, STOP
His paws from picking it and licking it off the top
Shelf of the urinary depository shelter shop-
Cat's pleasure walk-
The beetle's wife still cries to the beat
Beating butterfly kisses on the front left cheek
Tongue out, pierced through nose ring bling
Shine bright like the glossy wet stain, sting-
Half a toe dream-
"We call this recession", session dismissed for obsession
With questions about lessons learned by sections
In the left hand direction weeping willow pull our pension
From the pockets until the rocket red will start suspension!
Skin peeling regression!
Drizzle dribbling brizzles of bad mouth grizzle
Fat down throat smoke sizzle with frizzy hair frizzle!
Blood suckdown proud pretzel frazzle
Flowing mud slug suction cup dry slump saddle!
Have you watched your mind battle
The thoughts of many cattle
Pronged along like kids caught by tattle
Tale stories of dead bodies and hastles!
 Watch them rattle-
Shatter glass got caught in the brains back
Spinal chord twisted in two ways tied around a racetrack
Task force grants permission for the Hazmat
Gas mask, tear burning sensation, blood, sweat and gun caps-
Gunshot whiplash-
Pulling out the hairy back hand wrist rip
Falling out grey death, black heart, sunk ship
Flipped over the backside walls to pavement
Too hard to bouncy ball back up to save it-
What a world we created-
Cracked skull thought shots, drink down the toxic
Hot spit, words flowing through split tongue box fit,
Cracked teeth lost kids, babies sucking down bottles lost in
Jungle jam, juicing through the ice box foxes sneak  in closets!
The world's spinning so fast, there's no way to stop it-
It's surprising how we don't see that we're all lost yet!

-Smothered thoughts stuffed in hot-pockets-

Chocolate candy crunch caddies
Collecting cash for cashless basket ball bratties
Signs out for the voters waking past to help pass
New founding fathered fights coming out from a side blast
Like loose change clanging around kids pockets running on their next task.
Gun smoke and big laughs!
Fat rolls and face masks!
Plastic cuts on their plastic butts
With plastic cups to plash, this sucks-
Sitting silently shaking side eye sleep from my scenery
While watching marching charging arching bodies with iPhones barking
Sparking jargon, bargain bad brands bad buddies, bad boys brought them
To the trail blazer laser tazor razor raging rager so they run the white eraser,
Creating chaser chasten shaver sold out to the top tip boss hips and fat man staplers!
Staple life and death to the forhead of a black or white head favor!
Favor the latter for climbing ladders to be lax after their corrupt behavior!
Oh! Why the growing labor-


-Watch the whitewashed wordplay transfix the reflections, what's the word say-
Somebody's gotta give a little something to satisfy the pigs and their harsh pay-
Push your limping lug nut out on his knees until he's feet and his toes touch-
Drown yourself in the shame you made in the captivating closet with the doors shut-

Out-a-body wobble gobble bobble
Bad breath stank meth dress and hobble
Around the room bloom like a butterfly in a bottle
Bottled up like a baby bathing his bad boy boo boos in milk brothels
Brussels sprouts stuck between the teeth
Tasting wretched obscene and the untold things!
Watch my eyes fall back behind the boarded up bathroom sink!
Vomit viciously vacating the esophagus out past the mouth peak!

We -
all just infants waiting for open mouth springs
- gold sprinkled between ice cubes in iced tea
Meandering open thoughts of me-
selfish enough to pay pretty pennies for thoughts crunched through keyboards, typed
- coughing up lust, disease, anger fear, malice, and overgrown pride
So that the would can know it was out of spite-

- my God, it's hard to see past my reflection into my brother's eyes-

one half for me and one half for me too
too many parasites in my blood to look out for parasites in you
you know how this goes as the going grows new
new mouths to feed new bites to chew
chew it quietly to myself, the bites are too few
few make it down my throat as my neck turns blue
blue battered skies with the sea like battered hue
hue is distorted from my point of distorted view
view- a pretty place far from anything I can and will do
-do not do nothing, do you see, do you see! im through-

-all thanks to the sit back claps behind your pretty painted pews;
when will you see that sometimes it's hard to believe without proof
and that im just as lost as the next person, that's just plain truth
so lend me a helping hand not a burning word driving me askew-

-tsertaine ptruthe-

- when will the rocket white noise end their sound
and all that got thrown  up come crashing down
when will i get some sleep at night!
i beat my head to dull the noise just like i beat my wife-
-cocaine dreams
cocaine dreams
the sound of the nose-pain bleeds
cocaine dreams
cocaine dreams
"shut the hell up girl, I'm trying to sleep!"-
watching memories
fading elegies
grey smoke drifting from throat capturing common greens,
floating entrance fees
shaken masterpiece
master of my home mastered by the firm grip of the enemy
demonic force chain to the pentagram imprinted on my shattered knees-
chain smoking crack to the rhythm of grandma's record sheets!
gun to my temple to help the war and his buddies flee-
when will my mind empty itself of me-

to try and stop the bleeding in my vessels
we wait for the pressure
our pounding bit of pressure-
you sit there doubtful
every smile's a lie
all you are is crumbling inside-
reaching for the cabinet doors
spinning- hoping that stopping will leave you cold on the floor
all the tile is still keeping you warm
going down is a pain, but with a happy reward
oh, the drugs never have a plan to restore-

-dad why'd you have to go
why'd you have to leave me here alone;
i know you watch me here below,
what will happen if i let this page close
-gunshot, blood stained escape way
through the lead through the head space trade
open wide for eyes to see through the hole made
dead daughter on the counter with eyes wide awake-

momma calling son
"useless waist of taken up space-
not worth the cost of my thoughts on your unseen face
disgraceful to me, wish you weren't my son
wish i went to med school and didn't sell out so young
should've never listened to your daddy's song
telling me to pack my bags and cuddle up in his arms - wrong!
never should've
could've could've
maybe i would've
maybe i will
maybe i am
i am
i am more than a woman attached to a man
more than a mom attached to a hand
more than a ring wrapped, a wedding band
more than cable, dishes, pots and pans
more than a ceremony anniversary plan-
i am
i am
i'm gone"-

son go waist away somewhere where my eyes don't have to be glued
to the scene as life takes yours away from you, leaving you dead and blue-
you're already dead to me, so go die somewhere out of my view
and bury your own body, i wont waste my money on that, i refuse.

-it seems as if my heart laid heavy with messages of missing families,
missing homes
missing hopes,
Christlike lovers with smiles on picture frames leaving holes
where they were meant to never leave, never left alone
yet moms walk out on families like this is the time to take a stand for what they own
yet dads think that they could get away with abusing their kids, maybe those bruises would never show
and maybe kids wont think much of living in two houses with two separate phones
two different schools, new friends, old friends, divided in somber tones-
"just do it for the kids, honey
they deserve more than me or you know
let's do what they all do
fake a smile
fake a frame
fake a while
fake our names
pictures on Christmas will still look the same"
"and once their gone?"
"we can burst into flames"
thinking that the kids don't notice
the long fights
the late lights
the long talks
the late walks
the long drives
the late lies
the bright screens
the loud screams
the doors slam
the house stamp
the long sobs
the long jobs
the moving boxes
the missing pictures
the blood on moms dress
the couch blankets
the magazines
the hidden lingerie
the missed calls
the bottles of wine in the back seat of the mini van
the adjusted seats
the drunken steps
the fake parents-
the fake lovers-

teach them about Jesus
"make sure to teach them about Jesus, hun!"
just as long as they don't see us
"hide the masks, they might not believe us, hun!"
tell them not to lie
tell them not to curse!
What's worse!
me saying a dirty word!
or hearing you say "i hate that stupid whore" then finding blood on her shirt!
make sure that you don't miss church!
because being perfect includes calling your kids worthless and letting every moment burn!
and we burn for this
too many drinks and dad becomes an alcoholic
watching me beaten trying to know the pounds and then call it,
betting with my brother on how long till i become black
falling on the wooden floors just after he breaks my back-
my dad was a pastor-
and how many more families will i watch fall apart
before someone gets a grip that you lose more than you are-
before someone figures that it's not worth all the pain,
not worth going days without seeing your daughter's face-
will we still love our sin
or will our families get more than the scraps from last nights affair-

-when will God be our source and not our self medicated needs
when will we stop being overcome by defeat-


how can i take the sun and crumble it between my finger tips,
or master the earthquakes and pin point their movements-
swallowing the earth in blood and fire-
preventing me from falling back into the slow jaws of fate.

well we can sit inside the sun for days
growing hungry, foaming at the mouth
like the red will gloss over our lips
cooling the flames bursting from our eyelids-
stare in silence waiting for bad dreams
hoping old ghost are familiar faces to greet
black plagues coughed up in disease
watching our skin disintegrate into the bone and wash out to the sea-
and i could sit and wait for the fire to spread
bursting through your blood vessels again and again
until your eyes run black,
how much longer until the end
i've waited for this moment long before it even began!

-i could watch this world crash and burn before i lift a finger
i've waited so long to watch us fall apart, watch the taste linger-

if this is the start of the end then lets end
the small talk telling us to say we're old friends
because if i could i would cut you off from all this pretend
and imagine a world where there's no more to bend!
i want to forget!
the voice comes around to let my thoughts grow sound!
if there's anyway to start, then lets begin!

-i'll wait inside your closed closet doors
hoping that when i come out, you'll be nothing more-

-phlouting fhar ahf fghrom schoree-

self control, control yourself
seek not death, death don't seek
sell your doubts, doubt it's sell
speak not thoughts, thoughts don't speak.

-keep it inside!
let it fester!
don't let your thoughts speak their blood letters!

silence you mind!
silence the tempter!
beware it's flaming iron scepter! -

Ghosts in my head! Heads on my Ghost!
Fear the dead! Yet be dead to fear!
Coast the sidelines! Sides by the coast!
Hear the forests! And let the forests hear!

-speak your lies!
speak together!
screaming loudly will make it better!

place the pieces
where you remember!
Give yourself to the next contender-

stuff a mouth full of spaghetti O's with your sweaty toes
plopping a small soul to sit, sucking down 42 inches of mainstream kiddy shows
washing little brains with bleach and bad mouthed teachers making them sit in rows-
pretty them up nicely, these dismembered zombie walking undead with pretty clothes.

green eggs and ham handed to these little eyes,
not understanding the mold lying on the rice,
swallowing while food colored garbage- bargain price
for the best deal offered for one special night!

belly rolls and turnpike rolls are future for our secondary student eyes
watching women become wasted up wanton waiting to explode love where pleasure lies!

lies on the face of our common views!
laughter at the ones with countered news!

drink up your glasses!
suck down the drips!
let it drip down the masses!
fasten your hips!
the full moons she flashes!
drunk at the lips!
she can do what she wants!
but can't taste poisonous tips!

take out the gun
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
end the madness!
end the voices!
end the body!
end it's vigor!

take out the gun
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
blow your thoughts
all over the walls!
let them soak in!
let death be delivered!

i tape the faces upon my bathroom mirrors
and i remember every bone i broke!
skin peeled behind broken ears
and pulled off while the faces bleed and choke!

-punch your hand right through my chest and out through my back
look at the mess you made, it's in my bath-

-cut my heart in half like an avocado
let the neon blood seep through your hands right to Colorado,
playdough mushed hush in a red stained bottle,
swallow me deeply until your drunk, find the gap colossal!
two butter knives thrusting into my brain
rip it out and carve it, little bloody steak!
eat it
eat it
tear it apart!
your brain may be busy, but keep it far from your heart!
grab it with your fingers
pull it till it snaps
with these knives in my head, i can finally relax-

 -gawt hhomne phrome feisching-

fell out of the expanse of space
im the apple in the air
you are the eyes watching
speaking in breaths of ice-

my lips clenched together!
like a paper pressed to pen!
i stare at the ink dripping!
i bleed until im at my end!

you are the flower waving in front of my watching gaze
sway for me before the grass causes my legs to rash-
drenched in perfume, you smell leaves me dazed
dance with me before my bones turn back to ash-
burn your hands upon my chest!
-imprint yourself onto my heart!
to know who I am is loves true best!
-to love you is to become full part!

And you watch me bruise both my knees and drench myself in mud-
And you watch me shoot my brain until I'm standing soaked in blood-

-but perfect love never comes undone-

-take my broken heart and make us one-

dip your bread in my cup and drink till you have had full amount
eat with me at my table and let your mind pour all out
your thoughts i hear, have a beautiful sound
-where pain infests, there much more love abounds-

the silence at the table always gets me to stop and think
about the times that i find myself at my death's very brink!
all these days have numbers at the end of their lines!
when will be my end, when will it be my time!

-i am the haunted ghosts within my own walls
trapped within the ceiling!
i watch you from above the white washed walls
life unbothered looks so appealing-

if this is the end of my life and i left without a word
the pages blank and left all obscured
would i be okay without a story left behind!
would i let go and slip into endless time!
would i look back and hold on to hollow dreams!
would i let go and in death be complete!
if this was my last page would i say God is good
or just a thought that i've misunderstood-

-sink with me into death
release your heart; built up breath
close your eyes and be filled with rest
let thoughts empty, the mind forget
you were from dust and as it went
remember the good and all it's depth
the bad is gone, behind it's left
in my hands now lay your head-