tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13269316704117588912024-02-07T17:54:52.730+02:00The Way it GoesUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-73477588865095901622023-12-12T03:04:00.006+02:002023-12-12T03:04:47.203+02:00But I Am A Somebody (An Entry From The Archives) <div><span style="color: #666666;">Here is another entry I dug up from the archives. I find it to be an interesting look inside the mind of my then 19 year old self. </span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;">For context: I had just attempted suicide 3 months prior, had been fired from my job shortly after, was about to graduate from high school, and was not doing much with my life at that point besides laying in bed depressed and watching videos on YouTube. I was not even doing much in the way of schooling. I was finishing up just a couple of required high school credits online in order to graduate, but was only putting in the bare minimum effort to pass. No wonder I felt so low! A lot of change was necessary, both in my lifestyle and my heart and mind. </span></div><div><br /></div><div>4/15/17 2:05AM</div><div><br /></div>what do I learn from reflecting on my past?<br />
First, I dig into my memory and I seem to learn that my past self was a glorious creature and that now I am a lazy and fearful waste of space.<br />
WOW. that may be taking it a bit far, even I think so. though my daily thoughts may paint a different picture. It would be a picture of a girl fully believing she was a waste of space.<br />
How sad.. and how sad is it also that I realize it is sad only when I think of how you as an audience to my display may react. I in myself become to myself my greatest enemy and fear. I then become someone who imposes only more fear and failure and shame.<br />
Why would I be that to myself? Why are you that to yourself? And why is it not shocking to us in the very same moment as that in which we are to ourselves someone we would never allow ourselves to be towards someone else? It would shock and appall me, I would hope, if I saw someone ruthlessly belittling someone else, let alone if I saw myself do the same. But am I myself not a someone? Are you not a somebody? Do we not matter? Other people matter, we say, because they are people. Do we then become a different category when relating to ourselves? What kind of sick pride overcomes us to a point where we deem ourselves exempt from the standards and loyalties we deem others to deserve? What sort of pride entrances me to think that everyone is equal and intrinsically valuable, but that I am above or beyond these, or moreover am qualified with an authority to decide and assign or remove such fundamental factors from someone? Because I am someoneUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-67659585690489020022023-12-12T02:56:00.001+02:002023-12-12T02:56:29.047+02:00Prayer Is Not Pointless (An Entry From the Archives)<div><span style="font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="color: #999999; line-height: 20px;">Here is another entry form the archive. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="color: #999999; line-height: 20px;">It is from about a week after my 15th birthday. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="color: #999999; line-height: 20px;">It is interesting to read my 15 year old thoughts. I may not have had all of my theology right, or at least not the clearest words to express it, but I was learning about God's faithfulness and kindness to those who have put their trust in Him. I am grateful to look back and see that I was wanting to honor and praise God and share about Him with others. </span></span></div><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><div><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">3/11/13 </span></span></div><div><span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span></div>I used to think that when I sinned or was going through something hard, that it was all my fault - that God was merely disappointed. For a time I even believed that God wanted to strike me down, dead, for all of the things I failed to do and the times I deliberately disobeyed. However, I have found out the truth that is clearly in the Bible: He is going to love us </span><i style="line-height: 20px;">no matter what.</i><span style="line-height: 20px;"> And He is always there <i>for us</i>. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">I also used to think that praying was sometimes kind of useless. I figured, </span><i style="line-height: 20px;">if God already knows what happened today, how I feel and what I do/don't want to do, then why should I wast my time telling Him? </i></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">I have proven this outlook wrong by experience! Thank God.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">The Bible tells us to pray constantly and mentions prayer </span><i style="line-height: 20px;">all the time</i><span style="line-height: 20px;">. It is a stressed issue, prayer, and God makes it sound like a pretty big deal. I'll let you in on a story that changed my perspective, though I had read these things in the Bible countless times: One night I was crying in my closet, troubled and let down by life and the the things in it. I was questioning the purpose of continuing to live. I wondered why I should keep living through all of my misery if I knew I was going to Heaven eventually anyway. </span><i style="line-height: 20px;">Why not just get it over with, get to Heaven and be done with it?! I'd be with Christ. No more disappointment, no more messing up on my part. That's what would be best, right?</i><span style="line-height: 20px;"> - I thought, over and over in my mind. I was so confused, and yet so convinced of my own ideas.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">I sat in my closet contemplating, still crying, beginning to get scared - worried of what I was giving into and appalled at what I might have done. All of a sudden I felt overtaken and I couldn't ignore God any longer. I reminded myself out-loud that that He was with me. I started to cry out to Him like i never had before, telling Him all of the "obvious" things. </span><i><span style="line-height: 20px;">I'm Tired! Life is hard right now, God! Why do I have to keep living? Should I, do I have to? School is hard! I'm so far away from you! I need more sleep! I feel rejected and it sucks! Do I have to go through it all alone? </span></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><i><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></i></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">I talked to God aloud through my tears, and as I did I felt gradually better. I felt His peace come over me as I asked Him for it. I no longer felt chained to whatever evil held me. No, maybe I wasn't suddenly a perfect person, nor was my life insta-cured, but, for the first time, I experienced the freedom that has always been mine through Christ. Life was no longer the monster I believed it to be. It no longer ruled me, because I had accepted the truth of God's almighty love and power. He is always with us, always for us, always holding us carefully in His hand. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">I always knew God could free me, give me peace, and do even more than He did for me that night, but before, I assumed I would just get it. I figured whining to Him about life wouldn't do anything but make Him mad. I discovered there, though, that my 'figurings' were far from true. God doesn't mind us "whining to Him," in fact, He </span><i style="line-height: 20px;">wants</i><span style="line-height: 20px;"> us to talk to Him and actively include Him in every part of our lives! He knows you hurt, He hurts for you. He's not mad, He's just bummed that we won't accept what is best. He know's we do wrong and won't strike us down for doing so. He wants us to repent for our own good, but He will always love us, <i>no matter what</i>. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">I learned to talk to God. To tell Him whats up even if it sounds discontent. I ended my desperate prayer in the closet that night with praises, with smiles, and my tears of despair turned to tears of gratitude and joy! Talking to God does so much. One of the things being that it sets your mind strait, and back to truth. Talking to God, I think, is the first step away from the bondage of lies. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">Try it out! Discover the power of prayer and the glories of our God and King. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;">If you don't know what to say, you have no excuse! I suggest opening up to Psalms and reading a few out as a prayer to the Father. That's what they were to David in the first place anyway: prayers. I have found it helpful. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif;"><span style="line-height: 20px;"><br /></span></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; line-height: 20px;">“I cry aloud with my voice to the Lord;</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; line-height: 20px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
I make supplication with my voice to the Lord.</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; line-height: 20px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
I pour out my complaint before Him;</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; line-height: 20px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
I declare my trouble before Him.</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; line-height: 20px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
When my spirit was overwhelmed within me,</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; line-height: 20px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
You knew my path.</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; line-height: 20px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
In the way where I walk</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; line-height: 20px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
They have hidden a trap for me.</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; line-height: 20px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Look to the right and see;</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; line-height: 20px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
For there is no one who regards me;</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; line-height: 20px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
There is no escape for me;</div>
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arvo, Georgia, serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; line-height: 20px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
No one cares for my soul” (Psalm 142)</div>
</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-281291535456081182023-12-12T02:05:00.001+02:002023-12-12T02:05:18.377+02:00A 2017 Poem: A Reflection<div>The following is a poem I dug up out of the archives. </div><div>I would have written this just after having graduated from high school. I was honestly in a pretty dark place at that point, although I did feel like I had been through some things, faced them, and begun to overcome them. About 6 months prior to this, in January of 2017, was my third and final suicide attempt. Following that I had been fired from a job because of being emotionally unstable: sometimes joyful with amazing customer service, sometimes having a tearful breakdown and hardly able to operate.</div><div><br /></div><div>As I read this poem, I see elements of hope as well as a recognition of still needing more help. At that time, I knew this "life" that I needed would be found in Jesus; I was trying to walk that path, though very clumsily. It would have been probably a month after writing this that I began searching for faith-based residential treatment centers because I was becoming aware that I was stuck and probably wouldn't get unstuck without some intensive help. </div><div><br /></div><div>I hope you enjoy this poem. I often tried to write a little bit cryptically when I wrote poetry back then. I was fond of poetry that required some extra observation and thought in order to discern the intended meaning. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>6/27/17 1:20AM</div><div>
Beginning, middle, now </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"Once upon a time," (That's the way you start a tale)</div>
<div>
living in "Happily ever after"... seemed it had no way to fail.</div>
<div>
reversed, it started good (like every childhood should.) </div>
<div>
but like the real world, it got REAL. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
once upon a happiness,</div>
<div>
life, although a big mess,</div>
<div>
dreamed itself onto a road headed straight to life.</div>
<div>
And when I tell you "life" I mean more than a heartbeat. </div>
<div>
I'm talking about joy and truth, the stuff that makes life sweet. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
That's the beginning of my story. but </div>
<div>
"Happily ever" ended. </div>
<div>
Dreams were crushed. They crushed them! well, </div>
<div>
I think I crushed them myself. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I listened to a voice inside that said creativity had to die. </div>
<div>
And mind you all, this was first grade. </div>
<div>
its a rough... rea...lity... to face. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I crept along there after that. Hope flew the coop, I regret. </div>
<div>
the pain, the shame, the blame, the game, </div>
<div>
it played itself out like life had no place. </div>
<div>
Like I had none. Did I belong? </div>
<div>
Once upon those dreary days, I had to think that I did not. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I guess I could have done it different</div>
<div>
hope, like seen in my life NOW, If I had talked, it would have listened. </div>
<div>
There were other paths I could have walked.</div>
<div>
Some might say I SHOULD have. </div>
<div>
But if I had, where would I be? if all had just been laughs...</div>
<div>
would I have had such a story? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I know I could have done it different.</div>
<div>
But I went the ways I went. </div>
<div>
And now, here, out on the other side, (well, kind of. I'm not g</div>
<div>
onna lie)</div>
<div>
I have hope and I have peace. And I have something to share. </div>
<div>
The people that only sought perfection for me, didn't really care. </div>
<div>
The story that brought me real life, was the one that's mostly hard. </div>
<div>
The stuff that's worth attaining, was worth the training and the paining. </div>
<div>
the life that left me marred, left me also singing... praising... </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div>
I guess I could have done it different</div>
<div>
But I went the ways I went. </div>
<div>
And with the damage came a story</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
I wish I had kept writing<div>
I wish I had kept fighting.</div>
<div>
But im here now. dont look back</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Don't complain. </div>
<div>
You'd be the same. </div>
<div>
You're better now for the things you faced. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I said goodbye</div>
<div>
I shied my eyes </div>
<div>
It didn't work. I couldn't cry. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I want to know now.</div>
<div>
Don't need to see. </div>
<div>
I want to say hello to the 'more' I need. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-57557928053426548452019-04-08T07:22:00.001+02:002019-04-08T07:22:52.746+02:00we<br />
carried<br />
the<br />
weight<br />
for<br />
so<br />
long.<br />
drying<br />
up<br />
our<br />
tears.<br />
carrying<br />
each<br />
other,<br />
we<br />
traveled<br />
throughout<br />
the<br />
years.<br />
i<br />
look<br />
back<br />
in<br />
sorrow,<br />
watching<br />
sorrow's<br />
grip-<br />
but<br />
the<br />
best<br />
part<br />
about<br />
growing<br />
older<br />
is<br />
leaving<br />
all<br />
of<br />
this-<br />
so<br />
let's<br />
leave<br />
all<br />
the<br />
past<br />
behind,<br />
even<br />
though<br />
the<br />
past<br />
is<br />
missed-<br />
let's<br />
take<br />
new<br />
hearts<br />
and<br />
share<br />
them<br />
proudly,<br />
let<br />
us<br />
never<br />
now<br />
forget!<br />
-the<br />
greatest<br />
hope<br />
we<br />
have<br />
found,<br />
leaves<br />
now<br />
inside<br />
our<br />
chest!<br />
with<br />
open<br />
arms<br />
to<br />
other<br />
cries,<br />
we<br />
give<br />
them<br />
this<br />
precious<br />
gift.T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-37056323697640309072017-04-03T04:47:00.002+02:002017-04-03T04:55:54.737+02:00"Oll Eiy Whunt Ees Ahnseers"12<br />
<br />
I wait for the worst parts<br />
The ones where we cry<br />
And die<br />
And lose hope-<br />
Hoping we can be reunited with all of our guilt<br />
All of our sinful shame.<br />
I dream of each moment!<br />
<br />
Smash your head against the wall until it cracks<br />
Crunching your brain in half like a bag of chips!<br />
And you watch as you lose all that you had<br />
In the steady leaking of the blood that drips!<br />
Stick your hands in with your poisoned finger tips!<br />
And let the worst parts become your better fix!<br />
Like the times when you had to look into the eyes of her dad<br />
And tell him how you weren't man enough to hold yourself back!<br />
So that you could please yourself enough to send your mind into bliss<br />
And let her drown in her tears because she's lost her innocence!<br />
<br />
-what a perfect man to sit back and hold hands with!<br />
As if his promises of love were too much to resist!<br />
Well trap me up and keep me bound in chains!<br />
So that my flesh can starve out until just your spirit remains!<br />
For every time that my mind was allowed to slip!<br />
I wish twelve more chains to be around my wrists!<br />
Because I'm afraid of myself and what my mind can think!<br />
And how I was ok with the fact that I watched you sink!-<br />
<br />
-drown me and forget that I will struggle as I cannot breathe-<br />
<br />
-for i deserve to choke on my blood for pushing you past the brink-<br />
<br />
<br />
"Threw My Brain in With My Darks"<br />
<br />
One line:<br />
"Subject hates"<br />
I hate that he hates-<br />
I hate him because he hates-<br />
"Subject hates"<br />
-<br />
Disagreement is a new parallel to the common synonyms<br />
Like clashing feelings are a cause to allow death's linger in-<br />
Let blood sink into them-<br />
Hate's definition is to hold an opinion<br />
Different-<br />
To believe that there is an absolute<br />
Right or wrong<br />
Would be to believe that some die young and some live long!<br />
Some stay weak and some stay strong!<br />
To believe that you're on track-<br />
Not lost in song-<br />
<br />
To believe in the absolute<br />
Is to hate<br />
The<br />
Ones<br />
Who<br />
Loved<br />
You.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"All We Are Is Dust"<br />
<br />
- it's the fact that in fact I am stating the fact<br />
That factual feelings are in fact a fact intact<br />
so as you interpret my meaning as pretend and ask<br />
"whats going on with you, your past?"<br />
well the past is the past and it doesn't stay or last<br />
so just take a step back and realize that the mask<br />
is now the face and I create my craft<br />
all that I dream comes into reality and that's that-<br />
<br />
-another instance of the public opinion on a healthy heart and what it had,<br />
twisting it into two until it breaks and has to crash-<br />
<br />
thought it was my thoughts, yet my friends seem to tell me to end this all fast<br />
-who I am is who they say, I'm happy at last...<br />
<br />
at least until the moments gone and it's harder to go back..<br />
just know that I loved you and that you don't have to ask<br />
I will wait for you and love you, even when all time has passed.<br />
<br />
<br />
"When All I Have"<br />
<br />
Blow a dart through the eye of a needle<br />
In a beetle's bull's eye's eye of the fetal<br />
Position used to permission the perspiration of children<br />
Flowing from the cycle wheels on their next revision-<br />
Intermission-<br />
The cat walks in the bathroom with the lights off,<br />
Cat's cough, drops his neck soft loft, STOP<br />
His paws from picking it and licking it off the top<br />
Shelf of the urinary depository shelter shop-<br />
Cat's pleasure walk-<br />
The beetle's wife still cries to the beat<br />
Beating butterfly kisses on the front left cheek<br />
Tongue out, pierced through nose ring bling<br />
Shine bright like the glossy wet stain, sting-<br />
Half a toe dream-<br />
"We call this recession", session dismissed for obsession<br />
With questions about lessons learned by sections<br />
In the left hand direction weeping willow pull our pension<br />
From the pockets until the rocket red will start suspension!<br />
Skin peeling regression!<br />
Drizzle dribbling brizzles of bad mouth grizzle<br />
Fat down throat smoke sizzle with frizzy hair frizzle!<br />
Blood suckdown proud pretzel frazzle<br />
Flowing mud slug suction cup dry slump saddle!<br />
Have you watched your mind battle<br />
The thoughts of many cattle<br />
Pronged along like kids caught by tattle<br />
Tale stories of dead bodies and hastles!<br />
Watch them rattle-<br />
Shatter glass got caught in the brains back<br />
Spinal chord twisted in two ways tied around a racetrack<br />
Task force grants permission for the Hazmat<br />
Gas mask, tear burning sensation, blood, sweat and gun caps-<br />
Gunshot whiplash-<br />
Pulling out the hairy back hand wrist rip<br />
Falling out grey death, black heart, sunk ship<br />
Flipped over the backside walls to pavement<br />
Too hard to bouncy ball back up to save it-<br />
What a world we created-<br />
Cracked skull thought shots, drink down the toxic<br />
Hot spit, words flowing through split tongue box fit,<br />
Cracked teeth lost kids, babies sucking down bottles lost in<br />
Jungle jam, juicing through the ice box foxes sneak in closets!<br />
The world's spinning so fast, there's no way to stop it-<br />
It's surprising how we don't see that we're all lost yet!<br />
<br />
-Smothered thoughts stuffed in hot-pockets-<br />
<br />
Chocolate candy crunch caddies<br />
Collecting cash for cashless basket ball bratties<br />
Signs out for the voters waking past to help pass<br />
New founding fathered fights coming out from a side blast<br />
Like loose change clanging around kids pockets running on their next task.<br />
Gun smoke and big laughs!<br />
Fat rolls and face masks!<br />
Plastic cuts on their plastic butts<br />
With plastic cups to plash, this sucks-<br />
Sitting silently shaking side eye sleep from my scenery<br />
While watching marching charging arching bodies with iPhones barking<br />
Sparking jargon, bargain bad brands bad buddies, bad boys brought them<br />
To the trail blazer laser tazor razor raging rager so they run the white eraser,<br />
Creating chaser chasten shaver sold out to the top tip boss hips and fat man staplers!<br />
Staple life and death to the forhead of a black or white head favor!<br />
Favor the latter for climbing ladders to be lax after their corrupt behavior!<br />
Oh! Why the growing labor-<br />
<br />
-Voting-<br />
<br />
-Watch the whitewashed wordplay transfix the reflections, what's the word say-<br />
Somebody's gotta give a little something to satisfy the pigs and their harsh pay-<br />
Push your limping lug nut out on his knees until he's feet and his toes touch-<br />
Drown yourself in the shame you made in the captivating closet with the doors shut- <br />
<br />
<br />
Out-a-body wobble gobble bobble<br />
Bad breath stank meth dress and hobble<br />
Around the room bloom like a butterfly in a bottle<br />
Bottled up like a baby bathing his bad boy boo boos in milk brothels<br />
Brussels sprouts stuck between the teeth<br />
Tasting wretched obscene and the untold things!<br />
Watch my eyes fall back behind the boarded up bathroom sink!<br />
Vomit viciously vacating the esophagus out past the mouth peak!<br />
<br />
We -<br />
all just infants waiting for open mouth springs<br />
- gold sprinkled between ice cubes in iced tea<br />
Meandering open thoughts of me-<br />
i-<br />
selfish enough to pay pretty pennies for thoughts crunched through keyboards, typed<br />
- coughing up lust, disease, anger fear, malice, and overgrown pride<br />
So that the would can know it was out of spite-<br />
<br />
- my God, it's hard to see past my reflection into my brother's eyes-<br />
<br />
<br />
one half for me and one half for me too<br />
too many parasites in my blood to look out for parasites in you<br />
you know how this goes as the going grows new<br />
new mouths to feed new bites to chew<br />
chew it quietly to myself, the bites are too few<br />
few make it down my throat as my neck turns blue<br />
blue battered skies with the sea like battered hue<br />
hue is distorted from my point of distorted view<br />
view- a pretty place far from anything I can and will do<br />
-do not do nothing, do you see, do you see! im through-<br />
<br />
-all thanks to the sit back claps behind your pretty painted pews;<br />
when will you see that sometimes it's hard to believe without proof<br />
and that im just as lost as the next person, that's just plain truth<br />
so lend me a helping hand not a burning word driving me askew-<br />
<br />
-tsertaine ptruthe-<br />
<br />
- when will the rocket white noise end their sound<br />
and all that got thrown up come crashing down<br />
when will i get some sleep at night!<br />
i beat my head to dull the noise just like i beat my wife-<br />
-cocaine dreams<br />
cocaine dreams<br />
the sound of the nose-pain bleeds<br />
cocaine dreams<br />
cocaine dreams<br />
"shut the hell up girl, I'm trying to sleep!"-<br />
watching memories<br />
fading elegies<br />
grey smoke drifting from throat capturing common greens,<br />
floating entrance fees<br />
shaken masterpiece<br />
master of my home mastered by the firm grip of the enemy<br />
demonic force chain to the pentagram imprinted on my shattered knees-<br />
chain smoking crack to the rhythm of grandma's record sheets!<br />
gun to my temple to help the war and his buddies flee-<br />
when will my mind empty itself of me-<br />
<br />
to try and stop the bleeding in my vessels<br />
we wait for the pressure<br />
our pounding bit of pressure-<br />
you sit there doubtful<br />
every smile's a lie<br />
all you are is crumbling inside-<br />
reaching for the cabinet doors<br />
spinning- hoping that stopping will leave you cold on the floor<br />
all the tile is still keeping you warm<br />
going down is a pain, but with a happy reward<br />
oh, the drugs never have a plan to restore-<br />
<br />
-dad why'd you have to go<br />
why'd you have to leave me here alone;<br />
i know you watch me here below,<br />
what will happen if i let this page close<br />
-gunshot, blood stained escape way<br />
through the lead through the head space trade<br />
open wide for eyes to see through the hole made<br />
dead daughter on the counter with eyes wide awake-<br />
<br />
momma calling son<br />
"useless waist of taken up space-<br />
not worth the cost of my thoughts on your unseen face<br />
disgraceful to me, wish you weren't my son<br />
wish i went to med school and didn't sell out so young<br />
should've never listened to your daddy's song<br />
telling me to pack my bags and cuddle up in his arms - wrong!<br />
never should've<br />
could've could've<br />
maybe i would've<br />
maybe i will<br />
maybe i am<br />
i am<br />
i am more than a woman attached to a man<br />
more than a mom attached to a hand<br />
more than a ring wrapped, a wedding band<br />
more than cable, dishes, pots and pans<br />
more than a ceremony anniversary plan-<br />
i am<br />
i am<br />
i'm gone"-<br />
<br />
son go waist away somewhere where my eyes don't have to be glued<br />
to the scene as life takes yours away from you, leaving you dead and blue-<br />
you're already dead to me, so go die somewhere out of my view<br />
and bury your own body, i wont waste my money on that, i refuse.<br />
<br />
<br />
-it seems as if my heart laid heavy with messages of missing families,<br />
missing homes<br />
missing hopes,<br />
Christlike lovers with smiles on picture frames leaving holes<br />
where they were meant to never leave, never left alone<br />
yet moms walk out on families like this is the time to take a stand for what they own<br />
yet dads think that they could get away with abusing their kids, maybe those bruises would never show<br />
and maybe kids wont think much of living in two houses with two separate phones<br />
two different schools, new friends, old friends, divided in somber tones-<br />
"just do it for the kids, honey<br />
they deserve more than me or you know<br />
let's do what they all do<br />
fake a smile<br />
fake a frame<br />
fake a while<br />
fake our names<br />
pictures on Christmas will still look the same"<br />
"and once their gone?"<br />
"we can burst into flames"<br />
thinking that the kids don't notice<br />
the long fights<br />
the late lights<br />
the long talks<br />
the late walks<br />
the long drives<br />
the late lies<br />
the bright screens<br />
the loud screams<br />
the doors slam<br />
the house stamp<br />
the long sobs<br />
the long jobs<br />
the moving boxes<br />
the missing pictures<br />
the blood on moms dress<br />
the couch blankets<br />
the magazines<br />
the hidden lingerie<br />
the missed calls<br />
the bottles of wine in the back seat of the mini van<br />
the adjusted seats<br />
the drunken steps<br />
the fake parents-<br />
the fake lovers-<br />
<br />
teach them about Jesus<br />
"make sure to teach them about Jesus, hun!"<br />
just as long as they don't see us<br />
"hide the masks, they might not believe us, hun!"<br />
tell them not to lie<br />
tell them not to curse!<br />
What's worse!<br />
me saying a dirty word!<br />
or hearing you say "i hate that stupid whore" then finding blood on her shirt!<br />
make sure that you don't miss church!<br />
because being perfect includes calling your kids worthless and letting every moment burn!<br />
and we burn for this<br />
too many drinks and dad becomes an alcoholic<br />
watching me beaten trying to know the pounds and then call it,<br />
betting with my brother on how long till i become black<br />
falling on the wooden floors just after he breaks my back-<br />
my dad was a pastor-<br />
and how many more families will i watch fall apart<br />
before someone gets a grip that you lose more than you are-<br />
before someone figures that it's not worth all the pain,<br />
not worth going days without seeing your daughter's face-<br />
will we still love our sin<br />
or will our families get more than the scraps from last nights affair-<br />
<br />
-when will God be our source and not our self medicated needs<br />
when will we stop being overcome by defeat-<br />
<br />
-chrapt-<br />
<br />
how can i take the sun and crumble it between my finger tips,<br />
or master the earthquakes and pin point their movements-<br />
swallowing the earth in blood and fire-<br />
preventing me from falling back into the slow jaws of fate.<br />
<br />
well we can sit inside the sun for days<br />
growing hungry, foaming at the mouth<br />
like the red will gloss over our lips<br />
cooling the flames bursting from our eyelids-<br />
stare in silence waiting for bad dreams<br />
hoping old ghost are familiar faces to greet<br />
like<br />
black plagues coughed up in disease<br />
watching our skin disintegrate into the bone and wash out to the sea-<br />
and i could sit and wait for the fire to spread<br />
bursting through your blood vessels again and again<br />
until your eyes run black,<br />
how much longer until the end<br />
i've waited for this moment long before it even began!<br />
<br />
-i could watch this world crash and burn before i lift a finger<br />
i've waited so long to watch us fall apart, watch the taste linger-<br />
<br />
if this is the start of the end then lets end<br />
the small talk telling us to say we're old friends<br />
because if i could i would cut you off from all this pretend<br />
and imagine a world where there's no more to bend!<br />
pluck!<br />
out!<br />
my!<br />
eyes!<br />
i want to forget!<br />
the voice comes around to let my thoughts grow sound!<br />
if there's anyway to start, then lets begin!<br />
<br />
-i'll wait inside your closed closet doors<br />
hoping that when i come out, you'll be nothing more-<br />
<br />
-phlouting fhar ahf fghrom schoree-<br />
<br />
self control, control yourself<br />
seek not death, death don't seek<br />
sell your doubts, doubt it's sell<br />
speak not thoughts, thoughts don't speak.<br />
<br />
-keep it inside!<br />
let it fester!<br />
don't let your thoughts speak their blood letters!<br />
<br />
silence you mind!<br />
silence the tempter!<br />
beware it's flaming iron scepter! -<br />
<br />
Ghosts in my head! Heads on my Ghost!<br />
Fear the dead! Yet be dead to fear!<br />
Coast the sidelines! Sides by the coast!<br />
Hear the forests! And let the forests hear!<br />
<br />
-speak your lies!<br />
speak together!<br />
screaming loudly will make it better!<br />
<br />
place the pieces<br />
where you remember!<br />
Give yourself to the next contender-<br />
<br />
stuff a mouth full of spaghetti O's with your sweaty toes<br />
plopping a small soul to sit, sucking down 42 inches of mainstream kiddy shows<br />
washing little brains with bleach and bad mouthed teachers making them sit in rows-<br />
pretty them up nicely, these dismembered zombie walking undead with pretty clothes.<br />
<br />
green eggs and ham handed to these little eyes,<br />
not understanding the mold lying on the rice,<br />
swallowing while food colored garbage- bargain price<br />
for the best deal offered for one special night!<br />
<br />
belly rolls and turnpike rolls are future for our secondary student eyes<br />
watching women become wasted up wanton waiting to explode love where pleasure lies!<br />
<br />
lies on the face of our common views!<br />
laughter at the ones with countered news!<br />
<br />
-<br />
dead<br />
dead<br />
dead<br />
dead<br />
drink up your glasses!<br />
suck down the drips!<br />
let it drip down the masses!<br />
fasten your hips!<br />
the full moons she flashes!<br />
drunk at the lips!<br />
she can do what she wants!<br />
but can't taste poisonous tips!<br />
<br />
take out the gun<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
end the madness!<br />
end the voices!<br />
end the body!<br />
end it's vigor!<br />
<br />
take out the gun<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
blow your thoughts<br />
all over the walls!<br />
let them soak in!<br />
let death be delivered!<br />
<br />
i tape the faces upon my bathroom mirrors<br />
and i remember every bone i broke!<br />
skin peeled behind broken ears<br />
and pulled off while the faces bleed and choke!<br />
<br />
-punch your hand right through my chest and out through my back<br />
look at the mess you made, it's in my bath-<br />
<br />
-cut my heart in half like an avocado<br />
let the neon blood seep through your hands right to Colorado,<br />
playdough mushed gush in a red stained bottle,<br />
swallow me deeply until your drunk, find the gap colossal!<br />
two butter knives thrusting into my brain<br />
rip it out and carve it, little bloody steak!<br />
eat it<br />
eat it<br />
tear it apart!<br />
your brain may be busy, but keep it far from your heart!<br />
grab it with your fingers<br />
pull it till it snaps<br />
with these knives in my head, i can finally relax-<br />
<br />
-gawt hhomne phrome feisching-<br />
<br />
fell out of the expanse of space<br />
im the apple in the air<br />
you are the eyes watching<br />
speaking in breaths of ice-<br />
<br />
my lips clenched together!<br />
like a paper pressed to pen!<br />
i stare at the ink dripping!<br />
i bleed until im at my end!<br />
<br />
<br />
you are the flower waving in front of my watching gaze<br />
sway for me before the grass causes my legs to rash-<br />
drenched in perfume, your smell leaves me dazed<br />
dance with me before my bones turn back to ash-<br />
burn your hands upon my chest!<br />
-imprint yourself onto my heart!<br />
to know who I am is loves true best!<br />
-to love you is to become full part!<br />
<br />
<br />
And you watch me bruise both my knees and drench myself in mud-<br />
And you watch me shoot my brain until I'm standing soaked in blood-<br />
<br />
-but perfect love never comes undone-<br />
<br />
-take my broken heart and make us one-<br />
<br />
<br />
dip your bread in my cup and drink till you have had full amount<br />
eat with me at my table and let your mind pour all out<br />
your thoughts i hear, have a beautiful sound<br />
-where pain infests, there much more love abounds-<br />
<br />
the silence at the table always gets me to stop and think<br />
about the times that i find myself at my death's very brink!<br />
all these days have numbers at the end of their lines!<br />
when will be my end, when will it be my time!<br />
<br />
-i am the haunted ghosts within my own halls<br />
trapped within the ceiling!<br />
i watch you from above the white washed walls<br />
life unbothered looks so appealing-<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
if this is the end of my life and i left without a word<br />
the pages blank and left all obscured<br />
would i be okay without a story left behind!<br />
would i let go and slip into endless time!<br />
would i look back and hold on to hollow dreams!<br />
would i let go and in death be complete!<br />
if this was my last page would i say God is good<br />
or just a thought that i've misunderstood-<br />
<br />
<br />
-sink with me into death<br />
release your heart; built up breath<br />
close your eyes and be filled with rest<br />
let thoughts empty, the mind forget<br />
you were from dust and as it went<br />
remember the good and all it's depth<br />
the bad is gone, behind it's left<br />
in my hands now lay your head-<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"pheere"<br />
<br />
<br />
-the remedy to this loneliness<br />
Is the sad sound of your heartbeat<br />
As the door creaks shut as you reminisce,<br />
Remembering that you're parting!<br />
Part ways with your second half<br />
And wait and see how long that lasts<br />
Before you're broken, beat up, crying on the floor<br />
Begging time to take you away, you can't take anymore!<br />
Because your screams in the shower can't fix a single thing!<br />
No matter what you try to do this is the life you bring!<br />
And you can't take back all the things that you've done!<br />
The consequences will stay, they still weigh a ton!<br />
And you miss just the words of the one who's still dear,<br />
But the absence of voices makes you grow deeper in fear-<br />
<br />
-until the sound of your doubting is all that you hear-<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
the trees sway back and forth<br />
and the air grows thin,<br />
the apple shakes a little more<br />
as it's blown by the wind.<br />
the basket lays now beneath<br />
but as the storm slips in<br />
the basket moves now from the tree,<br />
the lights fade to dim.<br />
the apple shakes a little more,<br />
the darkness closes in.<br />
the falling face now to the floor,<br />
the darkness closes in,<br />
the falling face now to the floor,<br />
the darkness closes in.<br />
-so tell me!<br />
what did you mean when you said<br />
you would be their to catch me when I fall!<br />
was it a joke from the start,<br />
was it serious at all-<br />
the basket blows down the hill,<br />
the tumbling apple follows too,<br />
-it's sad to say when I'm closer to dead<br />
I feel now I'm close to you.<br />
It's sad to say when this is all in my head<br />
I find I fell completely through!<br />
you were made of yarn, never complete<br />
how could I be what you chose!<br />
no matter what I'd fall through your strings<br />
there was nothing I could do-<br />
<br />
<br />
"waiting for morning"<br />
<br />
Tomorrow<br />
I love you<br />
And I wish I<br />
Could hold you<br />
But tonight<br />
Has me choked<br />
In this noose on my neck-<br />
Kick out<br />
My new stool<br />
From under<br />
My two feet<br />
For tomorrow<br />
I'll meet you<br />
And you can finally kiss me!<br />
<br />
-don't be afraid<br />
"the little voices simply speak in retrospect"<br />
don't be afraid<br />
"death is only just a dream, just too complex"<br />
don't be afraid<br />
"if I was honest I would tell you this is best"<br />
don't be afraid<br />
"go now before there's no time left"-<br />
<br />
<br />
don't<br />
let<br />
the<br />
devil<br />
take<br />
your<br />
mind-<br />
his nails are all long, and he'll dig them inside!<br />
cast<br />
him<br />
out<br />
before<br />
you<br />
rise-<br />
he will try to kill your thoughts with his lies!<br />
take<br />
out<br />
your<br />
sword<br />
and<br />
cut<br />
him<br />
out<br />
tonight-<br />
tomorrow can't wait, we can't waist much time!<br />
trust<br />
that<br />
the<br />
light<br />
will<br />
hold<br />
you<br />
tight-<br />
His shining grace is enough for me to stay alive!<br />
<br />
<br />
"the desires of my heart"<br />
<br />
I think forever is a lovely endeavor<br />
To achieve a friendship that never severs<br />
-strong bonds yet light like a feather<br />
Strapped in brown bonds of leather-<br />
You are worth the doubts of us together.<br />
And my hope in us will last, much longer than December-<br />
And if it takes a long time, walking through lonely weather-<br />
I will be just fin, know that you are my treasure.<br />
<br />
<br />
-for the memories I've had, keep me in remorse<br />
making me miss you even more..<br />
yet I know that through the death of the flesh, the spirit shall be restored<br />
and the tears we've cried shall stop and be nothing more!<br />
<br />
I trust<br />
That through time<br />
True love will then be shown.<br />
Until then<br />
Right now's fine<br />
The hope we have is enough.<br />
<br />
<br />
Bringing hope<br />
Right when<br />
I feel like I'll fall,<br />
The truest love above them all<br />
Tells me I'm worth it<br />
Always loved<br />
Never alone,<br />
You bring hope when you call.<br />
<br />
<br />
"713"<br />
<br />
-keep on dreaming<br />
for your dreams are precious,<br />
they climb up through tall trees<br />
and swim deep inside the trenches,<br />
oh, they are precious<br />
like the drives back home to lay side by side<br />
hoping one day that you'd be on my mind<br />
(hoping one day to finally get this right<br />
and end up closer than what we are tonight)-<br />
you keep my heart lit up and bright.<br />
<br />
keep on dreaming<br />
for you were never meant to stop soaring,<br />
to stop singing like you always did, to let that water stop pouring-<br />
you are a child of God, destined for his glory<br />
and through all the pain, you will write out your story!<br />
<br />
keep on dreaming<br />
because I love to see you grow,<br />
and as the heart gets pushed, his joy overflows.<br />
you are strong and courageous, a warrior for truth,<br />
as the enemy wages war, you stand strong in the roots!<br />
like the times when we fell, but you pushed through it too,<br />
you never let the shame leave you destitute!<br />
<br />
-so just let me watch your dreams come alive in your songs.<br />
I love the sound of your voice, I could listen all day long-T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-25611429111227928162017-02-11T04:58:00.001+02:002017-02-11T05:01:03.139+02:00When All I Have-for our kindred-<br />
<br />
"When All I Have"<br />
<br />
Blow a dart through the eye of a needle<br />
In a beetle's bull's eye's eye of the fetal<br />
Position used to permission the perspiration of children<br />
Flowing from the cycle wheels on their next revision-<br />
Intermission-<br />
The cat walks in the bathroom with the lights off,<br />
Cat's cough, drops his neck soft loft, STOP<br />
His paws from picking it and licking it off the top<br />
Shelf of the urinary depository shelter shop-<br />
Cat's pleasure walk-<br />
The beetle's wife still cries to the beat<br />
Beating butterfly kisses on the front left cheek<br />
Tongue out, pierced through nose ring bling<br />
Shine bright like the glossy wet stain, sting-<br />
Half a toe dream-<br />
"We call this recession", session dismissed for obsession<br />
With questions about lessons learned by sections<br />
In the left hand direction weeping willow pull our pension<br />
From the pockets until the rocket red will start suspension!<br />
Skin peeling regression!<br />
Drizzle dribbling brizzles of bad mouth grizzle<br />
Fat down throat smoke sizzle with frizzy hair frizzle!<br />
Blood suckdown proud pretzel frazzle<br />
Flowing mud slug suction cup dry slump saddle!<br />
Have you watched your mind battle<br />
The thoughts of many cattle<br />
Pronged along like kids caught by tattle<br />
Tale stories of dead bodies and hastles!<br />
Watch them rattle-<br />
Shatter glass got caught in the brains back<br />
Spinal chord twisted in two ways tied around a racetrack<br />
Task force grants permission for the Hazmat<br />
Gas mask, tear burning sensation, blood, sweat and gun caps-<br />
Gunshot whiplash-<br />
Pulling out the hairy back hand wrist rip<br />
Falling out grey death, black heart, sunk ship<br />
Flipped over the backside walls to pavement<br />
Too hard to bouncy ball back up to save it-<br />
What a world we created-<br />
Cracked skull thought shots, drink down the toxic<br />
Hot spit, words flowing through split tongue box fit,<br />
Cracked teeth lost kids, babies sucking down bottles lost in<br />
Jungle jam, juicing through the ice box foxes sneak in closets!<br />
The world's spinning so fast, there's no way to stop it-<br />
It's surprising how we don't see that we're all lost yet!<br />
<br />
-Smothered thoughts stuffed in hot-pockets-<br />
<br />
Chocolate candy crunch caddies<br />
Collecting cash for cashless basket ball bratties<br />
Signs out for the voters waking past to help pass<br />
New founding fathered fights coming out from a side blast<br />
Like loose change clanging around kids pockets running on their next task.<br />
Gun smoke and big laughs!<br />
Fat rolls and face masks!<br />
Plastic cuts on their plastic butts<br />
With plastic cups to plash, this sucks-<br />
Sitting silently shaking side eye sleep from my scenery<br />
While watching marching charging arching bodies with iPhones barking<br />
Sparking jargon, bargain bad brands bad buddies, bad boys brought them<br />
To the trail blazer laser tazor razor raging rager so they run the white eraser,<br />
Creating chaser chasten shaver sold out to the top tip boss hips and fat man staplers!<br />
Staple life and death to the forhead of a black or white head favor!<br />
Favor the latter for climbing ladders to be lax after their corrupt behavior!<br />
Oh! Why the growing labor-<br />
<br />
-Voting-<br />
<br />
-Watch the whitewashed wordplay transfix the reflections, what's the word say-<br />
Somebody's gotta give a little something to satisfy the pigs and their harsh pay-<br />
Push your limping lug nut out on his knees until he's feet and his toes touch-<br />
Drown yourself in the shame you made in the captivating closet with the doors shut- <br />
<br />
<br />
Out-a-body wobble gobble bobble<br />
Bad breath stank meth dress and hobble<br />
Around the room bloom like a butterfly in a bottle<br />
Bottled up like a baby bathing his bad boy boo boos in milk brothels<br />
Brussels sprouts stuck between the teeth<br />
Tasting wretched obscene and the untold things!<br />
Watch my eyes fall back behind the boarded up bathroom sink!<br />
Vomit viciously vacating the esophagus out past the mouth peak!<br />
<br />
We -<br />
all just infants waiting for open mouth springs<br />
- gold sprinkled between ice cubes in iced tea<br />
Meandering open thoughts of me-<br />
i-<br />
selfish enough to pay pretty pennies for thoughts crunched through keyboards, typed<br />
- coughing up lust, disease, anger fear, malice, and overgrown pride<br />
So that the would can know it was out of spite-<br />
<br />
- my God, it's hard to see past my reflection into my brother's eyes-<br />
<br />
<br />
one half for me and one half for me too<br />
too many parasites in my blood to look out for parasites in you<br />
you know how this goes as the going grows new<br />
new mouths to feed new bites to chew<br />
chew it quietly to myself, the bites are too few<br />
few make it down my throat as my neck turns blue<br />
blue battered skies with the sea like battered hue<br />
hue is distorted from my point of distorted view<br />
view- a pretty place far from anything I can and will do<br />
-do not do nothing, do you see, do you see! im through-<br />
<br />
-all thanks to the sit back claps behind your pretty painted pews;<br />
when will you see that sometimes it's hard to believe without proof<br />
and that im just as lost as the next person, that's just plain truth<br />
so lend me a helping hand not a burning word driving me askew-<br />
<br />
-tsertaine ptruthe-<br />
<br />
- when will the rocket white noise end their sound<br />
and all that got thrown up come crashing down<br />
when will i get some sleep at night!<br />
i beat my head to dull the noise just like i beat my wife-<br />
-cocaine dreams<br />
cocaine dreams<br />
the sound of the nose-pain bleeds<br />
cocaine dreams<br />
cocaine dreams<br />
"shut the hell up girl, I'm trying to sleep!"-<br />
watching memories<br />
fading elegies<br />
grey smoke drifting from throat capturing common greens,<br />
floating entrance fees<br />
shaken masterpiece<br />
master of my home mastered by the firm grip of the enemy<br />
demonic force chain to the pentagram imprinted on my shattered knees-<br />
chain smoking crack to the rhythm of grandma's record sheets!<br />
gun to my temple to help the war and his buddies flee-<br />
when will my mind empty itself of me-<br />
<br />
to try and stop the bleeding in my vessels<br />
we wait for the pressure<br />
our pounding bit of pressure-<br />
you sit there doubtful<br />
every smile's a lie<br />
all you are is crumbling inside-<br />
reaching for the cabinet doors<br />
spinning- hoping that stopping will leave you cold on the floor<br />
all the tile is still keeping you warm<br />
going down is a pain, but with a happy reward<br />
oh, the drugs never have a plan to restore-<br />
<br />
-dad why'd you have to go<br />
why'd you have to leave me here alone;<br />
i know you watch me here below,<br />
what will happen if i let this page close<br />
-gunshot, blood stained escape way<br />
through the lead through the head space trade<br />
open wide for eyes to see through the hole made<br />
dead daughter on the counter with eyes wide awake-<br />
<br />
momma calling son<br />
"useless waist of taken up space-<br />
not worth the cost of my thoughts on your unseen face<br />
disgraceful to me, wish you weren't my son<br />
wish i went to med school and didn't sell out so young<br />
should've never listened to your daddy's song<br />
telling me to pack my bags and cuddle up in his arms - wrong!<br />
never should've<br />
could've could've<br />
maybe i would've<br />
maybe i will<br />
maybe i am<br />
i am<br />
i am more than a woman attached to a man<br />
more than a mom attached to a hand<br />
more than a ring wrapped, a wedding band<br />
more than cable, dishes, pots and pans<br />
more than a ceremony anniversary plan-<br />
i am<br />
i am<br />
i'm gone"-<br />
<br />
son go waist away somewhere where my eyes don't have to be glued<br />
to the scene as life takes yours away from you, leaving you dead and blue-<br />
you're already dead to me, so go die somewhere out of my view<br />
and bury your own body, i wont waste my money on that, i refuse.<br />
<br />
<br />
-it seems as if my heart laid heavy with messages of missing families,<br />
missing homes<br />
missing hopes,<br />
Christlike lovers with smiles on picture frames leaving holes<br />
where they were meant to never leave, never left alone<br />
yet moms walk out on families like this is the time to take a stand for what they own<br />
yet dads think that they could get away with abusing their kids, maybe those bruises would never show<br />
and maybe kids wont think much of living in two houses with two separate phones<br />
two different schools, new friends, old friends, divided in somber tones-<br />
"just do it for the kids, honey<br />
they deserve more than me or you know<br />
let's do what they all do<br />
fake a smile<br />
fake a frame<br />
fake a while<br />
fake our names<br />
pictures on Christmas will still look the same"<br />
"and once their gone?"<br />
"we can burst into flames"<br />
thinking that the kids don't notice<br />
the long fights<br />
the late lights<br />
the long talks<br />
the late walks<br />
the long drives<br />
the late lies<br />
the bright screens<br />
the loud screams<br />
the doors slam<br />
the house stamp<br />
the long sobs<br />
the long jobs<br />
the moving boxes<br />
the missing pictures<br />
the blood on moms dress<br />
the couch blankets<br />
the magazines<br />
the hidden lingerie<br />
the missed calls<br />
the bottles of wine in the back seat of the mini van<br />
the adjusted seats<br />
the drunken steps<br />
the fake parents-<br />
the fake lovers-<br />
<br />
teach them about Jesus<br />
"make sure to teach them about Jesus, hun!"<br />
just as long as they don't see us<br />
"hide the masks, they might not believe us, hun!"<br />
tell them not to lie<br />
tell them not to curse!<br />
What's worse!<br />
me saying a dirty word!<br />
or hearing you say "i hate that stupid whore" then finding blood on her shirt!<br />
make sure that you don't miss church!<br />
because being perfect includes calling your kids worthless and letting every moment burn!<br />
and we burn for this<br />
too many drinks and dad becomes an alcoholic<br />
watching me beaten trying to know the pounds and then call it,<br />
betting with my brother on how long till i become black<br />
falling on the wooden floors just after he breaks my back-<br />
my dad was a pastor-<br />
and how many more families will i watch fall apart<br />
before someone gets a grip that you lose more than you are-<br />
before someone figures that it's not worth all the pain,<br />
not worth going days without seeing your daughter's face-<br />
will we still love our sin<br />
or will our families get more than the scraps from last nights affair-<br />
<br />
-when will God be our source and not our self medicated needs<br />
when will we stop being overcome by defeat-<br />
<br />
-chrapt-<br />
<br />
how can i take the sun and crumble it between my finger tips,<br />
or master the earthquakes and pin point their movements-<br />
swallowing the earth in blood and fire-<br />
preventing me from falling back into the slow jaws of fate.<br />
<br />
well we can sit inside the sun for days<br />
growing hungry, foaming at the mouth<br />
like the red will gloss over our lips<br />
cooling the flames bursting from our eyelids-<br />
stare in silence waiting for bad dreams<br />
hoping old ghost are familiar faces to greet<br />
like<br />
black plagues coughed up in disease<br />
watching our skin disintegrate into the bone and wash out to the sea-<br />
and i could sit and wait for the fire to spread<br />
bursting through your blood vessels again and again<br />
until your eyes run black,<br />
how much longer until the end<br />
i've waited for this moment long before it even began!<br />
<br />
-i could watch this world crash and burn before i lift a finger<br />
i've waited so long to watch us fall apart, watch the taste linger-<br />
<br />
if this is the start of the end then lets end<br />
the small talk telling us to say we're old friends<br />
because if i could i would cut you off from all this pretend<br />
and imagine a world where there's no more to bend!<br />
pluck!<br />
out!<br />
my!<br />
eyes!<br />
i want to forget!<br />
the voice comes around to let my thoughts grow sound!<br />
if there's anyway to start, then lets begin!<br />
<br />
-i'll wait inside your closed closet doors<br />
hoping that when i come out, you'll be nothing more-<br />
<br />
-phlouting fhar ahf fghrom schoree-<br />
<br />
self control, control yourself<br />
seek not death, death don't seek<br />
sell your doubts, doubt it's sell<br />
speak not thoughts, thoughts don't speak.<br />
<br />
-keep it inside!<br />
let it fester!<br />
don't let your thoughts speak their blood letters!<br />
<br />
silence you mind!<br />
silence the tempter!<br />
beware it's flaming iron scepter! -<br />
<br />
Ghosts in my head! Heads on my Ghost!<br />
Fear the dead! Yet be dead to fear!<br />
Coast the sidelines! Sides by the coast!<br />
Hear the forests! And let the forests hear!<br />
<br />
-speak your lies!<br />
speak together!<br />
screaming loudly will make it better!<br />
<br />
place the pieces<br />
where you remember!<br />
Give yourself to the next contender-<br />
<br />
stuff a mouth full of spaghetti O's with your sweaty toes<br />
plopping a small soul to sit, sucking down 42 inches of mainstream kiddy shows<br />
washing little brains with bleach and bad mouthed teachers making them sit in rows-<br />
pretty them up nicely, these dismembered zombie walking undead with pretty clothes.<br />
<br />
green eggs and ham handed to these little eyes,<br />
not understanding the mold lying on the rice,<br />
swallowing while food colored garbage- bargain price<br />
for the best deal offered for one special night!<br />
<br />
belly rolls and turnpike rolls are future for our secondary student eyes<br />
watching women become wasted up wanton waiting to explode love where pleasure lies!<br />
<br />
lies on the face of our common views!<br />
laughter at the ones with countered news!<br />
<br />
-<br />
dead<br />
dead<br />
dead<br />
dead<br />
drink up your glasses!<br />
suck down the drips!<br />
let it drip down the masses!<br />
fasten your hips!<br />
the full moons she flashes!<br />
drunk at the lips!<br />
she can do what she wants!<br />
but can't taste poisonous tips!<br />
<br />
take out the gun<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
end the madness!<br />
end the voices!<br />
end the body!<br />
end it's vigor!<br />
<br />
take out the gun<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
pull the trigger!<br />
blow your thoughts<br />
all over the walls!<br />
let them soak in!<br />
let death be delivered!<br />
<br />
i tape the faces upon my bathroom mirrors<br />
and i remember every bone i broke!<br />
skin peeled behind broken ears<br />
and pulled off while the faces bleed and choke!<br />
<br />
-punch your hand right through my chest and out through my back<br />
look at the mess you made, it's in my bath-<br />
<br />
-cut my heart in half like an avocado<br />
let the neon blood seep through your hands right to Colorado,<br />
playdough mushed hush in a red stained bottle,<br />
swallow me deeply until your drunk, find the gap colossal!<br />
two butter knives thrusting into my brain<br />
rip it out and carve it, little bloody steak!<br />
eat it<br />
eat it<br />
tear it apart!<br />
your brain may be busy, but keep it far from your heart!<br />
grab it with your fingers<br />
pull it till it snaps<br />
with these knives in my head, i can finally relax-<br />
<br />
-gawt hhomne phrome feisching-<br />
<br />
fell out of the expanse of space<br />
im the apple in the air<br />
you are the eyes watching<br />
speaking in breaths of ice-<br />
<br />
my lips clenched together!<br />
like a paper pressed to pen!<br />
i stare at the ink dripping!<br />
i bleed until im at my end!<br />
<br />
<br />
you are the flower waving in front of my watching gaze<br />
sway for me before the grass causes my legs to rash-<br />
drenched in perfume, you smell leaves me dazed<br />
dance with me before my bones turn back to ash-<br />
burn your hands upon my chest!<br />
-imprint yourself onto my heart!<br />
to know who I am is loves true best!<br />
-to love you is to become full part!<br />
<br />
<br />
And you watch me bruise both my knees and drench myself in mud-<br />
And you watch me shoot my brain until I'm standing soaked in blood-<br />
<br />
-but perfect love never comes undone-<br />
<br />
-take my broken heart and make us one-<br />
<br />
<br />
dip your bread in my cup and drink till you have had full amount<br />
eat with me at my table and let your mind pour all out<br />
your thoughts i hear, have a beautiful sound<br />
-where pain infests, there much more love abounds-<br />
<br />
the silence at the table always gets me to stop and think<br />
about the times that i find myself at my death's very brink!<br />
all these days have numbers at the end of their lines!<br />
when will be my end, when will it be my time!<br />
<br />
-i am the haunted ghosts within my own walls<br />
trapped within the ceiling!<br />
i watch you from above the white washed walls<br />
life unbothered looks so appealing-<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
if this is the end of my life and i left without a word<br />
the pages blank and left all obscured<br />
would i be okay without a story left behind!<br />
would i let go and slip into endless time!<br />
would i look back and hold on to hollow dreams!<br />
would i let go and in death be complete!<br />
if this was my last page would i say God is good<br />
or just a thought that i've misunderstood-<br />
<br />
<br />
-sink with me into death<br />
release your heart; built up breath<br />
close your eyes and be filled with rest<br />
let thoughts empty, the mind forget<br />
you were from dust and as it went<br />
remember the good and all it's depth<br />
the bad is gone, behind it's left<br />
in my hands now lay your head-T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-3228711371639295492016-08-31T06:51:00.003+02:002016-08-31T06:51:56.580+02:00In A Push Pull Situation"In a Push Situation"<br />
<br />
Thick smoke spit<br />
My tonic<br />
Swell eyes split<br />
Black cloud fix<br />
Late night drips<br />
Late night sips<br />
Sipping up sap<br />
Sapping up tipsy<br />
Tap taps on the tips<br />
Watch the floor lifting<br />
Shifting<br />
Smash, crackle crispy<br />
Crunch mc nuggets<br />
Four AM grizzly<br />
Grizzle grease griot <br />
Giving slurred wispily<br />
Words like the feet<br />
Falling faster swiftly<br />
Like the head shoulder<br />
Knees toes tickling<br />
The senses of motion<br />
Devotion to sick things!<br />
Sick things!<br />
Sick things!<br />
Few friends out late<br />
Grab a cake<br />
Grab a mate<br />
Grab a bake<br />
Grab a fate<br />
Drive it fast<br />
Make it last<br />
Make it crash<br />
Make it all end quickly!<br />
Quickly!<br />
While she sleeps softly<br />
Coughing up blood<br />
Never felt haunting<br />
Wanting her to wake up<br />
Like the day's drugs scoffing<br />
I'm the same drunk drugged up mug<br />
With a lie stuck to the name like made up love<br />
Like made up stories of truth masked with icing on top<br />
Like the cherry minus vanilla, minus chocolate, minus ice cream, minus nice things<br />
Minus life, minus death, minus point, minus breath, minus art, minus stability, minus self sufficient tranquility!<br />
Find life<br />
Find it right<br />
Find it tonight<br />
Find it before it's time<br />
Find it before it's out of sight<br />
Find it before your friends dead in head lights<br />
Find it before you're a murderer plastered on the headlines<br />
Find it before you find out that you wasted all this time on bad highs<br />
Bad rhymes<br />
Pushing away coffee cake<br />
And pineapple plates<br />
For a daily dose of dead drives.<br />
<br />
<br />
"In A Pull Situation"<br />
<br />
I just want to become your breath,<br />
Your vapor,<br />
Just the droplets on your window,<br />
The dust on your picture frame,<br />
The lint on your T-shirt,<br />
The socks tossed away in your bedroom corner,<br />
The quarter tucked behind crumbs and lost car keys inside your couch,<br />
The forgotten toothbrush that you're not sure is yours-<br />
For to be even the least of these to you<br />
Is like being honored as the richest king...<br />
<br />
And I am undeserving...<br />
<br />
I am undeserving...<br />
<br />
<br />
It's like as soon as I get myself right<br />
Someone says I'm wrong<br />
Someone says that you and I are still gone<br />
Living like we've never seen sun, only night.<br />
Forgive me!<br />
I'm tired of asking for you to give me<br />
Another chance to live these<br />
Lives I have that people keep stealing!<br />
I have a heart, but I get shut down by those I trust!<br />
I get so far, but I get brought back by those who say they must!<br />
It's their duty to remind me that I'm a failure!<br />
I'm a failure!<br />
I'm just another mistake!<br />
I'm just another absent minded life lived for my own present pace!<br />
Not grace!<br />
Grace isn't sufficient for my face!<br />
Not for my place!<br />
Not for my name!<br />
Not for my shame!<br />
Not for such a lonely soul who has no where left to escape!<br />
<br />
Just cut open my chest and eat all you can get!<br />
Because the love flowing through is a taste you can't forget!<br />
Drink up my blood and find that my blood is sweet!<br />
You can take all you want, I don't need anymore of me!<br />
Because I hate who I am and how I'll always be deceived!<br />
No matter how hard I try, I'll never be free!<br />
Maybe free from sin, but not from your teeth!<br />
So sink them in deep, and watch as I bleed!<br />
And look me in the eyes and tell me you love me...<br />
You never loved me...<br />
Because I'm just a tumbleweed<br />
Bouncing off the ground on the black top-<br />
Sound waves echoing off the side walk<br />
Because I'm the only one who talks to myself,<br />
I'm the only one who talks to myself,<br />
And the rest of the blood sucking lovers-<br />
I hope they enjoy it in hell.T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-72431295338852934542015-04-01T05:10:00.002+02:002015-04-01T05:10:10.792+02:00The Things I Remember<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I touch the grass so softly<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While I hear your voice coming<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You wanted so badly<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To sit back and laugh so gladly<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A loud sound startles <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My thoughts and my head<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it left me<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The hurt came back so quickly<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You had to leave<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And go home to sleep<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I thought I saw you<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sleeping so softly<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I remember, you were still awake<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hiding in the dark room<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I tried to sneak in and talk to you<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But friendship was so hard to come by<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I thought that was why<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You looked so scared<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I walked in your room<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember when you told me<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That you would cry until your eyes bleed<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I realize, you mean that much to me<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In my head so quickly<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was filled with fantasy<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But maybe it was all<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just a dream.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now that I can’t see you<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s like I should’ve said more<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Snuck inside your door<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And tell you how beautiful you truly are<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I still can smell your perfume<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When he sprayed it on my neck<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What I would do<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For him to spray me back.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Can you tell I miss you<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In all my memories<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But why are these things<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
The best times I can recall?<o:p></o:p></div>
T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-37164849897998623722014-06-08T05:22:00.001+02:002014-06-08T05:22:25.143+02:00Make it 99I didn't start this poem series, but my best friend did. She came up with the idea for a blog and her first poem that she put up was for her summary. It was a poem about how even when times are tough and we may have 100 steps until we finally are free, but tonight we'll take that first step at least. <div><br></div><div>The whole idea was so perfect to me. Flawless. It was just such an inspirational and motivating poem. I immediately became attached to the idea. I asked her later if we could write a poem series about our struggles along the way to breaking free from what binds us. She agreed, but soon we both forgot. Recently... I've been really struggling. My thoughts are spinning around in my head and I feel like I have no where to go. So I've been writing more in this series. It's super awesome because I bring my thoughts to paper and then from there to God. I feel like this is how I am able to grow even closer to him. </div><div><br></div><div>I thank my friend for her marvelous idea. But mostly I'm just happy that I can maybe help someone stuck like me.</div>T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-51310641576882959942014-06-07T03:22:00.001+02:002014-06-07T03:22:27.350+02:00Stone Ears<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">What do I say?</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">What words can I give?</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">These people want to die</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Rather than live.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">I can't save them</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">My words are so few.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">They don't understand</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Because they just don't know you.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">They speak of bars,</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">And I've never seen them.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">They talk of prisons,</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">But I only see freedom.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">We fight to the death</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">And we waste all our breath </p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">With loud shouts just to prove</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">How I win and you lose.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 15px;"><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">I don't know what words to say,</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Because they don't want to hear.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">I don't know how to save,</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">But that's not why I'm here.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Use me anyway you want</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Because a hero is what I am not.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Just take these hands of mine</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Because it's getting so hard to find</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">The right things to do.</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 15px;"><br></p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">I don't know what to say to these people</p>
<p style="margin: 0px; font-size: 12px; font-family: Helvetica;">Because they really want to hear themselves.</p>T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-87400959588732545512014-05-19T17:31:00.001+02:002014-05-19T17:31:05.992+02:00Monday againI think maybe we all think sick thoughts. Maybe we all are disgusted with ourselves and each other. Maybe we are all just sinners waiting to finally be burned in the flames.<div><br></div><div>But if we are, I don't want to be! I'm sick and tired of hating myself and others. I'm tired of thinking about all these terrible things. I don't want to be dominated by my emotions and by my stupidity. I'm tired. I just want to be free!!</div>T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-48499324567048484222014-05-16T05:26:00.001+02:002014-05-16T05:26:39.427+02:0010:40<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>"10:40"<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everyone decides when the time is right<o:p></o:p></div>
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To tell you how to make up your mind.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don't remember the last time I could think<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Without someone telling me,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Exactly what they want me to do.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don't remember the last time I could come through.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hear your voice<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Even as it starts to fade<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Into the back of my stereo<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Set on replay.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to hear you more<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I burn these cities of glass down.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to hear you more<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I burn these cities of glass down.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When will I find<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That place where it's just you and I?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When will I find<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That place where we can hide.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to run away together again<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And forget about these voices telling me<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That I need to listen to them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because even in this loud tremor<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can hear your whispers, loud as thunder.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I can hear;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It's the sweetest song I know.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It's the sweetest song I know.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Won't you let me run away with you<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One more time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because these voices try<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Their hardest to pry<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A way back inside.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wake me up<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we get there.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because right now,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just want to sleep in your peace.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>“Feather”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
City planes drift <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And city clouds shift<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While mountain tops lift;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes I don't have enough stones to skip.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I watched the waters ripple into streams,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And subtle slumber turn to dreams<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of the world we wish we'd see,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it just doesn't seem like it'll be.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Casper casts his shadow<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Upon the dark and shallow<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Waters that seem to go on until tomorrow;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One day we'll run out of days to borrow.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sometimes when I wake up,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think of what the world will look like at the end.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>“I Can See The Horns
That Start To Show”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They used to tell me your stories<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Just as I fell in my bed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
These tales of my deepest thoughts<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Are now often unread.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They tell me the world will be saved<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But what if they can't hear you?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What if they can't hear your voice?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
See I've been thinking,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With everything sinking<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like ships with holes,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If we are speaking<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And still not hearing,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Will we pay the toll?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Will we be ready <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When the reaper comes <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To take his wages?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Will we be ready<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When the moon turns to blood<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And the stars start to fall upon us?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don't think we understand.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No one fears anymore,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We've been raised up to be too brave.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Aren't we scared of the wrath<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Rushing in like a crashing wave?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We don't know how terrible the fire burns,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No we don't understand how much it hurts.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You tell me that I don't need to worry<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I don't think you know the times are getting shorter.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You tell me not to worry<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But we don't know how great will be the disorder.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know the horses are coming close.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I stand by the gallows waiting for my sentence.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I never wanted this to happen,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I never wanted this to happen.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just need your spirit<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wrapped around my heart and mind<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So that I can live this time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>“Grass Stains”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I like to remember the times<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was a young boy<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And days became dreams.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I like to think of the rhymes<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I was full of joy<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And flowers became trees.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I miss you my closest friend,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I think you had a bit of my southern side.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I miss calling her momma, and dreaming of saddle rides.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember my dreams of becoming a cowboy<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And saving my family from the clutches of bandits.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I remember the day<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When all of the sudden, I wanted to become them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that deep down I’m a country kid<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Clothed in a city dweller’s robes,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because when I look back on what I did,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I dream of these dirt roads.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I dream of nights like these<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When the trees whisper their secrets<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To my aching ears<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In hopes of soothing my sorrows.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I miss nights like these<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I find some story,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I find some dream.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Take me to a better place <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Than what I dream of.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because dreams are great,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I know they can’t come close to yours.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Take my heart<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And take it to the night sky.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Because I have dreamed all my life<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of sleeping on the moon.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>“11:00”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We don’t know,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How could we forget.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh we don’t know<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How real these eyes see.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Are we really,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Shouldn’t we know?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To be honest,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How could we forget.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every time I close my eyes,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Something seems to come on by.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every time I close my eyes,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hell takes its time<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And opens its gates wide.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not me, it can’t be me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t you think<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Something different would finally be in my mind.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>“12:00”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know that you’re there.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel you<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I breathe you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I see these open doors.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Somewhere out in those valleys <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lays our great adventure.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I dream of the grass.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What a great dream.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think I’ll write it down<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So that I can’t ever forget you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When the dark creeps in,<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to remember.<o:p></o:p></div>
T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-74374835470372366302014-05-11T21:13:00.000+02:002014-05-11T21:13:13.165+02:00MayI used to dream that I would bring that hope to your life<div>
But I think I let you run dry.</div>
<div>
I thought that one day</div>
<div>
I could save you</div>
<div>
But I think maybe I brought you right to hell.</div>
<div>
Sometimes I wonder</div>
<div>
What it would be like</div>
<div>
If I never said a word to you</div>
<div>
If I never even whispered.</div>
<div>
Would you be alive?</div>
<div>
Would you be alright?</div>
<div>
I wonder if I buried your casket </div>
<div>
In a hole dug by me.<br />I hate to think</div>
<div>
That you were killed by poetry.</div>
T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-12182068716486537932014-05-05T17:46:00.001+02:002014-05-05T17:46:17.315+02:00Dear Lost Friend of MineI see my friend just so far away from what he believes.... He's so lost. He used to be a rock for me when I was so lost... But now he is even worse off than I was. I can't save him and I never could... Only God can.<div><br></div><div>I don't understand how someone so sure of their beliefs could take a u-turn and walk away. I don't understand how he could give in... He was so strong... But now he's just fallen so far...</div><div><br></div><div>God what do I do? How do I help? What can I do to make this better? What words can I say... What prayers can I make? I believe in him so much... But God, what do I do? I die inside when I realize that he's so far from where he wanted to be. </div><div><br></div><div>God just save him! Because I want to see him at the end! I believe I'll see him, so lord help him to be there as white as snow! Don't let his blood cover his broken body! Save him God! Because I miss seeing him around! I miss his encouraging words...</div>T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-71682383017791690242014-05-03T15:45:00.001+02:002014-05-03T15:45:33.998+02:00My Thoughts As Of LatelyI make my way towards home everyday. I'm trying so hard to keep my mind from going back to where I was. I know I'm struggling and falling, but I can tell that soon this will all just fade away. I can feel his hands on my shoulders... I can feel him telling me that I'm just doing great... Even when I know I don't deserve it.<div><br></div><div>I see you everyday and I know that I don't deserve any of these things you e done for me. </div><div><br></div><div>For the longest time I wanted to save this world, but I don't know if I should give up... Can I make a difference... Or is this just another time of useless actions that lead to nothing.</div><div><br></div><div>I realize that I can't be the one to save them from their graves. But your words can be upon my lips, and I know that they can save.</div><div><br></div><div>Even if my friends are dying now... I know that you won't let them die... I believe that you can save anyone... They just have to choose you, and I can't choose for them.</div><div><br></div><div>I can't lie and say that I don't weep for my lost brothers and sisters... The ones that keep running away... I can't lie. I just want them to come back God... I just want to see them smiling again.</div>T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-12135381484383541752014-05-02T12:29:00.001+02:002014-05-02T12:29:36.628+02:00MorningI don't want anything else, but just to know and feel his presence. I haven't felt close to him for so long, and I'm dying to feel him again. I just want that sweet taste, and I just want to know that I'm still in love. I never wanted to get so far away, and I've let my mind wander. I just pray that my spirit would keep growing stronger and my flesh weaker. I pray that my heart would grow bigger so that I can stand against all difficulties and sin. I pray that my spirit would surround my heart and mind, and I would hear his voice in my head. I pray that I would be like David, crying on His face to you. I don't want to be like I have been. I don't want to be the same. I don't want this to be a routine, and I don't want this to be just The Way It Goes! I don't want my heart to be the same day by day. I want to be alive again.T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-11678607747132103322014-04-30T19:28:00.001+02:002014-04-30T19:28:00.448+02:00TeenagersOk so to be honest I think teenagers are dumb. Just so stupid. Why blow your whole life away doing crap that ultimately isn't that cool or awesome, it's just bad which apparently makes it cool.<div><br></div><div>See I have no problem with kids. Kids are crazy and do things that are dumb, but it's all for the sake of adventure and normally what they do is just something that could have broken an arm. But generally these ideas are so creative, so unique that they end up over reaching for the impossible and get hurt.</div><div><br></div><div>See teenagers don't do that. What do we do? We follow. We follow each other. Just the blind leading the blind. Or we follow something dumb we saw on T.V. We become obsessed with things that are unnecessary and hold us back. We look up to people that only bring us down. And as far as the creative aspect, we have very little imagination.... We just don't do anything.</div><div><br></div><div>At the beginning of your teens you just are do excited to be called a big kid... But you just gave up all the imagination and creativity that you had... You have it up to be big, to be cool. And then once you figure out how lost you are... You spend the rest of your life trying to find that child again. Or you move on to the next stage: the big teen.</div><div> </div><div>The big teen life is just being in your twenties and 30s and just wanting more. What's the point of drinking yourself to death? What does it do for you? And the next part of being a big teen is looking back at your teen years and wanting them all back. You become a dead old man who never learned to grow up.</div><div><br></div><div>And then there are actual adults. They understand responsibility, but they don't just do whatever, they have a purpose. You have fun still, but life isn't about a party.</div><div><br></div><div>I think I never got into the whole party phase, but I've waisted so much time wanting to stay in the teen phase. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of only being around people that have no respect for others or themselves. I'm tired of people just killing themselves.... But sadly that's just the way it goes.</div><div><br></div><div>But it doesn't have to be that way! It doesn't have to be just a purposeless life of death! Why don't we just grow up! I'm happy that I'm finally becoming a man. I'm tired of being a teen. I'm ready to commit.</div>T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-91122383453252282192014-04-30T17:22:00.001+02:002014-04-30T17:22:01.076+02:00GoingI realize just how lost I've been. Whether you believe in God or not, you can argue that we're all looking for comfort and something. Some kind of truth. Some sort of love.<div><br></div><div>I try so hard to run from God. I read thee verses about how we are all bound to worshiping God forever. I think to myself... Man what a drag... I have to spend the rest of my life worshiping something... I don't get to relax or do what I want... I don't get what I really want. And it's funny because I believe in God, but I still struggle to want to worship Him forever. </div><div><br></div><div>So I run away. I tell Him that I'll stop, but I can't handle the responsibility. It's like the job I had a while ago. I was making $11 an hour but I worked for 10 hours on a Saturday about once a month. And I didn't want to give that up. I wanted to be able to do what I wanted for once, get everything I wanted. But whenever I finally do whatever I want I find it unsatisfying... I find myself more empty than before. I try to run away from all I've done.. I try to run away from God.. I try to live all on my own, but I can't. I physically, spiritually, and emotionally can't. I feel so alone... I keep running.</div><div><br></div><div>And I listen to songs about doing what I want and I get on a high of pride and self esteem. I get into a groove of doing whatever I want, not caring about anything.</div><div><br></div><div>But when I fall on my face again... I find myself desperate for his love. </div><div><br></div><div>I love the lyrics to this song called the sinner:</div><div>"I know I could never run far enough to escape your love, so why do I keep running?" </div><div>It hits me hard and I just realize how much I love him and want him. </div><div><br></div><div>Whether you're looking for love in Drugs, sex, money, whatever... There's only one kind of love that will satisfy.</div><div><br></div><div>And I have to realize it everyday.</div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-19889966638777325442014-04-29T02:05:00.001+02:002014-04-29T02:05:58.622+02:00I Wonder What HappenedHonestly I look back on the past 2 and a half years of my life and I ask what happened? How could life turn to be this way? I ask myself everyday why I still ask myself this everyday. Why do I ask how I got here, I already know.<br /><br />I've been a mess for a while, struggling with an addiction, and my parents are now divorced. My mom remarried, my sister lives with a guy that she doesn't like completely (but I mean every young couple fights), my dad is finding another girlfriend, and now I'm graduating. I have a job, but I'm scared out of my mind. I had a girlfriend, but now that I don't, I find myself insecure everyday. I find myself looking for a girl that I don't need, and I find myself trying to please my selfish greed for lust and sin. I look back at myself as a kid, at least I was good at masking everything and pushing everything away, now all my mess is out in the open. I keep trying to get closer to god, but every time I fall down, I just want to stay there and weep. I want to belong in the dirt sometimes. I get headaches from thinking about all of this too.<br />
<br />
I think I can't handle life hahaha, but who can to be honest. I cry all the time for my friends struggling with addictions like me. They all try so hard, but none of us can seem to shake them. I don't know how people I look up to did it. Sometimes I wonder if they just lie to me and they still are addicted inside. I cried for my best friend as he dabbled into somethings because of a new friend. I seeing him around all the time, but you know, that's just the way it goes when you live a life surrounded by misery.<br />
<br />
I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't even think I am like this. Maybe I have a problem. Maybe i just over think everything. I don't really know what I do anymore. I have written hundreds of poems but was always too scared to publish any of them, because I feel like they're not good enough. I feel like everything I do is not good enough. Right now, while writing, I just had an epiphany that I never feel like anything I do is good enough or ready enough, and that's a problem I have. I'm scared and I want everything to be perfect. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my future self and younger self, I feel like they would have a lot of great wisdom.<br />
<br />
I've been trying hard to love, but every time I come back to my addiction, love doesn't come to mind, just regret and frustration. I don't really get confused, just frustrated. I know exactly what I'm doing is the honest and sad truth, but under pressure I reject all wisdom I had. I abandon my conscious. I don't understand why I do that.<br />
<br />
I pray to God every morning, but I don't know why I feel so distant from God. I realize now that it's because it's just about loving Him and pursuing him, and I know I haven't. I think maybe that's why I'm writing now. I'm trying to figure out what happened to me.<br />
<br />
Ever since I started writing poems frequently, I haven't been able to not think. I'm always thinking. And it hurts my head so much. I have no idea.<br /><br />I love love though :). I love seeing people everyday. People make me so happy. I have the best friends and brothers and sisters anyone could ask for. I'm a blessed man, and I'm blessed to be able to think. I wonder what God says about me in heaven. Sometimes I really wish I could hear him whispering in my head instead of my own fantasy. That would be amazing.<br />
<br />
Sometimes life is rough, but I guess That's just The Way It Goes.<br />
<br />
-T.JT.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-18619253199549848462013-06-21T20:33:00.001+02:002013-06-21T20:33:08.736+02:00ListenLet<br />
Everything<br />
Tempting<br />
Go<br />
Out<br />
<br />
And<br />
Never<br />
Dare<br />
<br />
Letting<br />
In<br />
Voices<br />
Enticing<br />
T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-79965997600193822612013-05-27T00:18:00.002+02:002013-05-27T00:18:22.389+02:00Don't Close Your EyesLet's just be quite while they speek<br />
And let down our minds for a moment to sleep<br />
Understand that I don't mean to hurt<br />
I just want you to hear my words<br />
<br />I never knew that you could make such a daring choice<br />
Sounds to me like you only love your voice<br />
Trying to bend the truth with the sound of your beating heart<br />
With your thoughts more twisted that the darkest parts<br />
You could never know<br />
How hard it is to let go<br />
Because You've been holding on to what you think<br />
Is the best thing to hold on while you sink<br />
Into the thick cold black, blue hole<br />
Where you bury the sounds that speak to your soul<br />
<br />
One day we could try<br />
To open our blind eyes<br />
And search for something more in life<br />
Than just our mistakes<br />
And see what turn life takes<br />
Instead of holding on the the crust of the city<br />
While the besieging sounds of sin start sounding pretty<br />
<br />
I know my mind has been lost in the streets<br />But I know that I can overcome the stress I meet<br />
Because I've been planted on the solid ground<br />
Where I finally see my strength is found<br />
And I don't have to give up at the sign of death<br />
While I keep a steady breath<br />
I'll show them that I will not be moved<br />
<br />
Lets look out<br />
One more time<br />
So that we can see<br />
That sun shine<br />
Before out minds doubt T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-53595597799145621992013-05-24T20:08:00.001+02:002023-12-12T02:45:45.449+02:00Reflections from a 15 year old about living in Africa: Let Go Of The Earth <div><span style="color: #666666;">The below entry is a reflection which I wrote shortly after turning 15 years old. To give you some context and commentary:</span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;">My family and I were still living in Malawi, Africa at this point, but were about to make the move back to the U.S. We had lived there for over 3 years at that point. During those years, the only time I had been back in the States was a few months prior to this entry, for a funeral. I had strong feelings about America, and thought that life in Africa was much better. </span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;">I had a lot of deep thoughts as a kid (I still do), and I reflected often on God, the world, the meaning of life, what the best way to live life would be, where I should fit in the world, what other people really need, and how I should help them. I can see elements in the below entry of trying to make sense of some of these topics and proclaim my opinions to the world. </span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;">Unfortunately, I was somewhat angry and was definitely self righteous. I was also dealing with a lot of fears, hurts, and points of confusion during those early teen years. A year or two prior to this entry, some pretty palpable spiritual warfare had become a regular element of my private life after having given the devil a foothold through sinful strategies of coping, namely cutting myself and regularly listening to destructive music. By the time of the below entry, as a 15 year old, I had started receiving intrusive suicidal thoughts and impulses (which I attribute largely to demonic attack.) I remember having these thoughts quite intensely while visiting America a few months prior, and feeling very scared. </span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;">I longed for God, and to live for God. Ever since I was a very young child I have had an abiding desire and longing to glorify God and help others know how wonderful, beautiful, and powerful He is. However, I felt far from God at this point because of my wicked behaviors and because of how close the devil felt... </span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;">I was always trying to figure out how to live life correctly, so that I could enjoy the world the way God intended it, and so that I could be most productive and effective in serving and exalting God. I think ever since a certain point in early childhood (at which I had felt like "my dreams were crushed" and my "sense of awe and wonder" was hampered) I was always trying to get back to "the way things are supposed to be." Clearly I had some things pretty mixed up during those dark years of my early teens though and I was a little directionless, but I was reaching. </span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;">In the below entry I can pick up on some of that "reaching": Trying to reflect and make sense of how to reach for God and live a meaningful life that acknowledges Him and lives in line with His paradigm for life. The main point of my entry seems to be that things in Africa were not "on demand" or dependable the way things can be in the U.S. and to me these "inconveniences" and "difficulties" seemed beneficial.</span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;">In my case, I did learn to think about God more often through these unique elements of living on the mission field. (That does not mean everyone else needs to live without reliable running water in order to encounter God however, as I almost seem to assert below!) God used many things during my time in Malawi to help me grow and gain perspective that I did not have previously. Clearly, though, I can also see in this entry that I did not have it all correctly figured out. In many ways I lacked peace, grace, and rest in the hope of the Gospel, and I can sense that as I reread my 15 year old ramblings. </span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;">I admire the way I recognized as a 15 year old though that there is meaning and hope beyond the things of this Earth. I was learning that so many things in life are temporal and fleeting. I was learning to look beyond, toward the "more" that God has in hand to promise to us. </span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #666666;">Enjoy. I left it unedited, including original typos.</span></div><div><br /></div><div>5/24/13 2:08 PM</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Living in Malawi is good. You learn to let go of the world.<br />
<br />
Best friends leave every year - friends who live everywhere on the globe, who you very well may never see again; The power cuts and you loose work and website addresses that you may never be able to find again; Electronics or other things get stollen every now and then, and you have to just get over it; Fuel prices go up and weekend plans have to be cancelled... You learn pacience, self conrtol. You learn what is really important and what doesn't actually matter. You learn to lean on God and wait for Him to give you what you need, and take things away if it's time. You learn that life isn't about oneself, or even the world at all; it's more. Think outside the box, dang it! The earth is in a great big box, but outside of it, there is such a thing as 'purpose', and living for the Kingdom. There are things that really matter out there, things we should find - that we should hold on to - but they aren't of this world. One must let go...<br />
<br />
There aren't the same pressures in Africa as are in America, and not the same concerns and prioreties - shoved down your throte by TV and other media. You see a different side of things after living in Africa for a while. You see God in things, and love that you didn't quite feel as deeply before. Africa is more real world to me; people KNOW the world isn't perfect here, and they don't/can't really try and make it that way. American culture is alot about self and comfort - making life, somehow, perfect... It's just not realistic. I'll get comfort in Heaven, or here from the Holy Spirit - The Comforter. And, honestly, it's never about self - can't be, won't be, isn't.<br />
<br />
There is more.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-12487519223572599212013-03-30T06:23:00.000+02:002013-03-30T06:23:23.729+02:00If You Think You Are The Best If you come to a place like I did, then you'll understand what I mean when I say that sometimes you get to the point where you believe that you are the solution to someone's problems. I've tried so hard all my life to fix people's problems, to be the one person that can help, the "only" person that can help. I wanted everything to turn out where I got the glory and I was the one who received the praise. I wanted so badly to hear the words "I love you", "You are amazing", "You have helped me so much", so that I could get what I want. I became someone hungry to help, only so that people could see me, the only person that I really cared about. I became obsessed with the words of others. I only wanted to be known... I wanted to hear that I did a good job. I can try to blame it all on my hard times, but it's truly from the center of my pride.<br />
<br />
I wanted to be the only solution. It killed me today, but in a good way. I read a long un-published blog post by a friend about how God saved her, and in her solitude, in her tears, she cried out and was saved from herself, from the pain she felt. I wanted to be the one to do it... I desperately wanted it deep down in my sick heart, to be the one that could claim the title of the ultimate lover, of the ultimate savior. I exalted myself in my mind to be more important than God... I threw away all of myself... I threw it all away<br />
<br />
I wanted at first to save her, but not by myself, I wanted to show her the love God had showed me, and help give her advice... I immediately knew deep down that I would become too attached. I hungered to be the most loved. I cared only about myself... I played it well for while.. I sickly lied to my best friend... I lied to myself. I did care about God, and loved Him with all my heart!... But I cared more about her... and it tore me apart.<br />
<br />
I came to a place where I only cared about getting the attention and love I wanted... but I was never able to help, because I was only allowing myself to help...<br />
<br />
Sure, I like this girl, and I love her, but I made her an idol in my life. I made her more important that I made God. When it's time for me to back up and let God do what he needs to do, I was killed inside. But being killed, I am reborn. I now know that I was never meant to do this. I was meant to love, to obey, to help, to pray, but I was never meant to take God's place, or at least try. I've been in the rough because I've been in the wrong, but now that I see, I can finally rejoice that I am not strong enough to do this all alone :D! I am not able to do this :D! I have never been so happy that I can't do something in my life! I am so happy that my friend is able to find the truth, even though I've messed up and have done wrong! And in knowing that, I've finally been able to break down the barrier that I've been trying to find. I am free, and can grow again.<br />
<br />
I still love my best friend, but I am so happy that she is able to do so much without me, and that I am not number one :D!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
and... I LOST THE GAME!!T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-31665565377219001862013-02-02T23:25:00.001+02:002013-02-02T23:29:06.991+02:00TemptingIt's so tempting to just let yourself give up. To let go of everything and all the truth that you had. It's so easy to let down your guard and just go and get lost in the flow. When I sit back and relax it's easy to forget the reason why I was standing before. It's easy to lose your place and wander off and just forget about all that you were doing. Sometimes we pray for things like this. To just have an end. To just be done. To finish.<br />
<br />
But how can I finish? There is no way that I'm done with everything. There are still people lonely, depressed, and worse off than me. How can I sit back and be fine with all of that? It's so tempting to allow myself to forget the faces of people that I know need someone. It's tempting to try and hide myself in a room alone so that people don't have to come and ask me for help. And it's so tempting to think that I really can live all alone. All by myself. All alone.<br />
<br />
Is that really the way that I am supposed to live? Isn't life supposed to be free? Why am I still living in my own captivity? Can I get up and move, or will I sit frozen? Can I hear the words that are written down? I am free, and there is nothing that can shake me or break me into temptation. Maybe if I say that I'll never deal with it all again, right? I'm free, right? I'm free.<br />
<br />
If I say I'm free, than I'm free, right? Or am I? Or will I? Can't I? Will I just sit here and question myself? Or will I do something that could change someone else? True joy is found in the son, but what happens if I can't see him? Can I? Will I?<br />
<br />
Yes. There is only one answer.<br />
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T.Jhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13294788161224326074noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1326931670411758891.post-6785807510845362772013-01-24T16:18:00.001+02:002013-01-24T16:18:42.463+02:00Searching for an Answer
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times;">People are always searching for something to fulfill them and they never
find it. I have been struggling with this for some time now. I know God is the
only way I should go but I feel like I am always trying to find a way to get
out of that. I just went to my Youth Group ad it was really great we talked on
The Bible, which you might think that that is always what youth group, is but
this one we talked about how God shows himself in his work and through his
work. And i didn't realize how much He shows us that we pass by everyday. I
still have a hard time finding God sometimes but He is every where and you
don't even have to search to find something that will fulfill you all you have
to do is open your eyes. And the only way to open your eyes is for Christ to heal your blindness. I need that to happen in my life so that I can follow my Lord.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<!--EndFragment-->Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0