But I Am A Somebody (An Entry From The Archives)

Here is another entry I dug up from the archives. I find it to be an interesting look inside the mind of my then 19 year old self. 

For context: I had just attempted suicide 3 months prior, had been fired from my job shortly after, was about to graduate from high school, and was not doing much with my life at that point besides laying in bed depressed and watching videos on YouTube. I was not even doing much in the way of schooling. I was finishing up just a couple of required high school credits online in order to graduate, but was only putting in the bare minimum effort to pass. No wonder I felt so low! A lot of change was necessary, both in my lifestyle and my heart and mind. 

4/15/17 2:05AM

what do I learn from reflecting on my past?
First, I dig into my memory and I seem to learn that my past self was a glorious creature and that now I am a lazy and fearful waste of space.
WOW. that may be taking it a bit far, even I think so. though my daily thoughts may paint a different picture. It would be a picture of a girl fully believing she was a waste of space.
How sad.. and how sad is it also that I realize it is sad only when I think of how you as an audience to my display may react. I in myself become to myself my greatest enemy and fear. I then become someone who imposes only more fear and failure and shame.
Why would I be that to myself? Why are you that to yourself? And why is it not shocking to us in the very same moment as that in which we are to ourselves someone we would never allow ourselves to be towards someone else? It would shock and appall me, I would hope, if I saw someone ruthlessly belittling someone else, let alone if I saw myself do the same. But am I myself not a someone? Are you not a somebody? Do we not matter? Other people matter, we say, because they are people. Do we then become a different category when relating to ourselves? What kind of sick pride overcomes us to a point where we deem ourselves exempt from the standards and loyalties we deem others to deserve? What sort of pride entrances me to think that everyone is equal and intrinsically valuable, but that I am above or beyond these, or moreover am qualified with an authority to decide and assign or remove such fundamental factors from someone? Because I am someone

Prayer Is Not Pointless (An Entry From the Archives)

Here is another entry form the archive. 

It is from about a week after my 15th birthday. 

It is interesting to read my 15 year old thoughts. I may not have had all of my theology right, or at least not the clearest words to express it, but I was learning about God's faithfulness and kindness to those who have put their trust in Him. I am grateful to look back and see that I was wanting to honor and praise God and share about Him with others. 

3/11/13 

I used to think that when I sinned or was going through something hard, that it was all my fault - that God was merely disappointed. For a time I even believed that God wanted to strike me down, dead, for all of the things I failed to do and the times I deliberately disobeyed. However, I have found out the truth that is clearly in the Bible:  He is going to love us no matter what. And He is always there for us. 

I also used to think that praying was sometimes kind of useless. I figured, if God already knows what happened today, how I feel and what I do/don't want to do, then why should I wast my time telling Him? 
I have proven this outlook wrong by experience! Thank God.

The Bible tells us to pray constantly and mentions prayer all the time. It is a stressed issue, prayer, and God makes it sound like a pretty big deal.  I'll let you in on a story that changed my perspective, though I had read these things in the Bible countless times:  One night I was crying in my closet, troubled and let down by life and the the things in it.  I was questioning the purpose of continuing to live. I wondered why I should keep living through all of my misery if I knew I was going to Heaven eventually anyway. Why not just get it over with, get to Heaven and be done with it?!  I'd be with Christ.  No more disappointment,  no more messing up on my part. That's what would be best, right? - I thought, over and over in my mind. I was so confused, and yet so convinced of my own ideas.

I sat in my closet contemplating, still crying, beginning to get scared - worried of what I was giving into and appalled at what I might have done. All of a sudden I felt overtaken and I couldn't ignore God any longer. I reminded myself out-loud that  that He was with me. I started to cry out to Him like i never had before, telling Him all of the "obvious" things. I'm Tired!  Life is hard right now, God! Why do I have to keep living? Should I, do I have to? School is hard! I'm so far away from you! I need more sleep!  I feel rejected and it sucks!  Do I have to go through it all alone? 

I talked to God aloud through my tears, and as I did I felt gradually better. I felt His peace come over me as I asked Him for it. I no longer felt chained to whatever evil held me. No, maybe I wasn't suddenly a perfect person, nor was my life insta-cured, but, for the first time, I experienced the freedom that has always been mine through Christ. Life was no longer the monster I believed it to be. It no longer ruled me, because I had accepted the truth of God's almighty love and power. He is always with us, always for us, always holding us carefully in His hand.  

I always knew God could free me, give me peace, and do even more than He did for me that night, but before, I assumed I would just get it. I figured whining to Him about life wouldn't do anything but make Him mad.  I discovered there, though, that my 'figurings' were far from true. God doesn't mind us "whining to Him," in fact, He wants us to talk to Him and actively include Him in every part of our lives!  He knows you hurt, He hurts for you. He's not mad, He's just bummed that we won't accept what is best. He know's we do wrong and won't strike us down for doing so. He wants us to repent for our own good, but He will always love us, no matter what.   

I learned to talk to God. To tell Him whats up even if it sounds discontent. I ended my desperate prayer in the closet that night with praises, with smiles, and my tears of despair turned to tears of gratitude and joy! Talking to God does so much. One of the things being that it sets your mind strait, and back to truth.  Talking to God, I think, is the first step away from the bondage of lies. 

Try it out!  Discover the power of prayer and the glories of our God and King. 
If you don't know what to say, you have no excuse! I suggest opening up to Psalms and reading a few out as a prayer to the Father. That's what they were to David in the first place anyway: prayers. I have found it helpful.  

“I cry aloud with my voice to the Lord;

I make supplication with my voice to the Lord.

I pour out my complaint before Him;

I declare my trouble before Him.

When my spirit was overwhelmed within me,

You knew my path.

In the way where I walk

They have hidden a trap for me.

Look to the right and see;

For there is no one who regards me;

There is no escape for me;

No one cares for my soul” (Psalm 142)

A 2017 Poem: A Reflection

The following is a poem I dug up out of the archives. 

I would have written this just after having graduated from high school. I was honestly in a pretty dark place at that point, although I did feel like I had been through some things, faced them, and begun to overcome them. About 6 months prior to this, in January of 2017, was my third and final suicide attempt. Following that I had been fired from a job because of being emotionally unstable: sometimes joyful with amazing customer service, sometimes having a tearful breakdown and hardly able to operate.

As I read this poem, I see elements of hope as well as a recognition of still needing more help. At that time, I knew this "life" that I needed would be found in Jesus; I was trying to walk that path, though very clumsily. It would have been probably a month after writing this that I began searching for faith-based residential treatment centers because I was becoming aware that I was stuck and probably wouldn't get unstuck without some intensive help. 

I hope you enjoy this poem. I often tried to write a little bit cryptically when I wrote poetry back then. I was fond of poetry that required some extra observation and thought in order to discern the intended meaning. 

6/27/17 1:20AM

Beginning, middle, now 

"Once upon a time," (That's the way you start a tale)

living in "Happily ever after"... seemed it had no way to fail.

reversed, it started good  (like every childhood should.) 

but like the real world, it got REAL. 

once upon a happiness,

life, although a big mess,

dreamed itself onto a road headed straight to life.

And when I tell you "life" I mean more than a heartbeat. 

I'm talking about joy and truth, the stuff that makes life sweet. 

That's the beginning of my story. but 

"Happily ever" ended. 

Dreams were crushed. They crushed them! well, 

I think I crushed them myself. 

I listened to a voice inside that said creativity had to die. 

And mind you all, this was first grade. 

its a rough... rea...lity... to face. 

I crept along there after that. Hope flew the coop, I regret. 

the pain, the shame, the blame, the game, 

it played itself out like life had no place. 

Like I had none. Did I belong? 

Once upon those dreary days, I had to think that I did not. 

I guess I could have done it different

hope, like seen in my life NOW, If I had talked, it would have listened. 

There were other paths I could have walked.

 Some might say I SHOULD have. 

But if I had, where would I be? if all had just been laughs...

 would I have had such a story? 

I know I could have done it different.

But I went the ways I went. 

And now, here, out on the other side, (well, kind of. I'm not g

onna lie)

I have hope and I have peace. And I have something to share. 

The people that only sought perfection for me, didn't really care. 

The story that brought me real life, was the one that's mostly hard. 

The stuff that's worth attaining, was worth the training and the paining. 

the life that left me marred, left me also singing... praising... 

I guess I could have done it different

But I went the ways I went. 

And with the damage came a story

I wish I had kept writing

I wish I had kept fighting.

But im here now. dont look back

Don't complain. 

You'd be the same. 

You're better now for the things you faced. 

I said goodbye

I shied my eyes 

It didn't work. I couldn't cry. 

I want to know now.

Don't need to see. 

I want to say hello to the 'more' I need.