A 2017 Poem: A Reflection

The following is a poem I dug up out of the archives. 

I would have written this just after having graduated from high school. I was honestly in a pretty dark place at that point, although I did feel like I had been through some things, faced them, and begun to overcome them. About 6 months prior to this, in January of 2017, was my third and final suicide attempt. Following that I had been fired from a job because of being emotionally unstable: sometimes joyful with amazing customer service, sometimes having a tearful breakdown and hardly able to operate.

As I read this poem, I see elements of hope as well as a recognition of still needing more help. At that time, I knew this "life" that I needed would be found in Jesus; I was trying to walk that path, though very clumsily. It would have been probably a month after writing this that I began searching for faith-based residential treatment centers because I was becoming aware that I was stuck and probably wouldn't get unstuck without some intensive help. 

I hope you enjoy this poem. I often tried to write a little bit cryptically when I wrote poetry back then. I was fond of poetry that required some extra observation and thought in order to discern the intended meaning. 

6/27/17 1:20AM

Beginning, middle, now 

"Once upon a time," (That's the way you start a tale)

living in "Happily ever after"... seemed it had no way to fail.

reversed, it started good  (like every childhood should.) 

but like the real world, it got REAL. 

once upon a happiness,

life, although a big mess,

dreamed itself onto a road headed straight to life.

And when I tell you "life" I mean more than a heartbeat. 

I'm talking about joy and truth, the stuff that makes life sweet. 

That's the beginning of my story. but 

"Happily ever" ended. 

Dreams were crushed. They crushed them! well, 

I think I crushed them myself. 

I listened to a voice inside that said creativity had to die. 

And mind you all, this was first grade. 

its a rough... rea...lity... to face. 

I crept along there after that. Hope flew the coop, I regret. 

the pain, the shame, the blame, the game, 

it played itself out like life had no place. 

Like I had none. Did I belong? 

Once upon those dreary days, I had to think that I did not. 

I guess I could have done it different

hope, like seen in my life NOW, If I had talked, it would have listened. 

There were other paths I could have walked.

 Some might say I SHOULD have. 

But if I had, where would I be? if all had just been laughs...

 would I have had such a story? 

I know I could have done it different.

But I went the ways I went. 

And now, here, out on the other side, (well, kind of. I'm not g

onna lie)

I have hope and I have peace. And I have something to share. 

The people that only sought perfection for me, didn't really care. 

The story that brought me real life, was the one that's mostly hard. 

The stuff that's worth attaining, was worth the training and the paining. 

the life that left me marred, left me also singing... praising... 

I guess I could have done it different

But I went the ways I went. 

And with the damage came a story

I wish I had kept writing

I wish I had kept fighting.

But im here now. dont look back

Don't complain. 

You'd be the same. 

You're better now for the things you faced. 

I said goodbye

I shied my eyes 

It didn't work. I couldn't cry. 

I want to know now.

Don't need to see. 

I want to say hello to the 'more' I need.