But I Am A Somebody (An Entry From The Archives)

Here is another entry I dug up from the archives. I find it to be an interesting look inside the mind of my then 19 year old self. 

For context: I had just attempted suicide 3 months prior, had been fired from my job shortly after, was about to graduate from high school, and was not doing much with my life at that point besides laying in bed depressed and watching videos on YouTube. I was not even doing much in the way of schooling. I was finishing up just a couple of required high school credits online in order to graduate, but was only putting in the bare minimum effort to pass. No wonder I felt so low! A lot of change was necessary, both in my lifestyle and my heart and mind. 

4/15/17 2:05AM

what do I learn from reflecting on my past?
First, I dig into my memory and I seem to learn that my past self was a glorious creature and that now I am a lazy and fearful waste of space.
WOW. that may be taking it a bit far, even I think so. though my daily thoughts may paint a different picture. It would be a picture of a girl fully believing she was a waste of space.
How sad.. and how sad is it also that I realize it is sad only when I think of how you as an audience to my display may react. I in myself become to myself my greatest enemy and fear. I then become someone who imposes only more fear and failure and shame.
Why would I be that to myself? Why are you that to yourself? And why is it not shocking to us in the very same moment as that in which we are to ourselves someone we would never allow ourselves to be towards someone else? It would shock and appall me, I would hope, if I saw someone ruthlessly belittling someone else, let alone if I saw myself do the same. But am I myself not a someone? Are you not a somebody? Do we not matter? Other people matter, we say, because they are people. Do we then become a different category when relating to ourselves? What kind of sick pride overcomes us to a point where we deem ourselves exempt from the standards and loyalties we deem others to deserve? What sort of pride entrances me to think that everyone is equal and intrinsically valuable, but that I am above or beyond these, or moreover am qualified with an authority to decide and assign or remove such fundamental factors from someone? Because I am someone