Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I Wonder What Happened

Honestly I look back on the past 2 and a half years of my life and I ask what happened? How could life turn to be this way? I ask myself everyday why I still ask myself this everyday. Why do I ask how I got here, I already know.

I've been a mess for a while, struggling with an addiction, and my parents are now divorced. My mom remarried, my sister lives with a guy that she doesn't like completely (but I mean every young couple fights), my dad is finding another girlfriend, and now I'm graduating. I have a job, but I'm scared out of my mind. I had a girlfriend, but now that I don't, I find myself insecure everyday. I find myself looking for a girl that I don't need, and I find myself trying to please my selfish greed for lust and sin. I look back at myself as a kid, at least I was good at masking everything and pushing everything away, now all my mess is out in the open. I keep trying to get closer to god, but every time I fall down, I just want to stay there and weep. I want to belong in the dirt sometimes. I get headaches from thinking about all of this too.

I think I can't handle life hahaha, but who can to be honest. I cry all the time for my friends struggling with addictions like me. They all try so hard, but none of us can seem to shake them. I don't know how people I look up to did it. Sometimes I wonder if they just lie to me and they still are addicted inside. I cried for my best friend as he dabbled into somethings because of a new friend. I seeing him around all the time, but you know, that's just the way it goes when you live a life surrounded by misery.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't even think I am like this. Maybe I have a problem. Maybe i just over think everything. I don't really know what I do anymore. I have written hundreds of poems but was always too scared to publish any of them, because I feel like they're not good enough. I feel like everything I do is not good enough. Right now, while writing, I just had an epiphany that I never feel like anything I do is good enough or ready enough, and that's a problem I have. I'm scared and I want everything to be perfect. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my future self and  younger self, I feel like they would have a lot of great wisdom.

I've been trying hard to love, but every time I come back to my addiction, love doesn't come to mind, just regret and frustration. I don't really get confused, just frustrated. I know exactly what I'm doing is the honest and sad truth, but under pressure I reject all wisdom I had. I abandon my conscious. I don't understand why I do that.

I pray to God every morning, but I don't know why I feel so distant from God. I realize now that it's because it's just about loving Him and pursuing him, and I know I haven't. I think maybe that's why I'm writing now. I'm trying to figure out what happened to me.

Ever since I started writing poems frequently, I haven't been able to not think. I'm always thinking. And it hurts my head so much. I have no idea.

I love love though :). I love seeing people everyday. People make me so happy. I have the best friends and brothers and sisters anyone could ask for. I'm a blessed man, and I'm blessed to be able to think. I wonder what God says about me in heaven. Sometimes I really wish I could hear him whispering in my head instead of my own fantasy. That would be amazing.

Sometimes life is rough, but I guess That's just The Way It Goes.


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