Reflections from a 15 year old about living in Africa: Let Go Of The Earth

The below entry is a reflection which I wrote shortly after turning 15 years old. To give you some context and commentary:

My family and I were still living in Malawi, Africa at this point, but were about to make the move back to the U.S. We had lived there for over 3 years at that point. During those years, the only time I had been back in the States was a few months prior to this entry, for a funeral. I had strong feelings about America, and thought that life in Africa was much better. 

I had a lot of deep thoughts as a kid (I still do), and I reflected often on God, the world, the meaning of life, what the best way to live life would be, where I should fit in the world, what other people really need, and how I should help them. I can see elements in the below entry of trying to make sense of some of these topics and proclaim my opinions to the world. 

Unfortunately, I was somewhat angry and was definitely self righteous. I was also dealing with a lot of fears, hurts, and points of confusion during those early teen years. A year or two prior to this entry, some pretty palpable spiritual warfare had become a regular element of my private life after having given the devil a foothold through sinful strategies of coping, namely cutting myself and regularly listening to destructive music. By the time of the below entry, as a 15 year old, I had started receiving intrusive suicidal thoughts and impulses (which I attribute largely to demonic attack.)  I remember having these thoughts quite intensely while visiting America a few months prior, and feeling very scared. 

I longed for God, and to live for God. Ever since I was a very young child I have had an abiding desire and longing to glorify God and help others know how wonderful, beautiful, and powerful He is. However, I felt far from God at this point because of my wicked behaviors and because of how close the devil felt...  

I was always trying to figure out how to live life correctly, so that I could enjoy the world the way God intended it, and so that I could be most productive and effective in serving and exalting God. I think ever since a certain point in early childhood (at which I had felt like "my dreams were crushed" and my "sense of awe and wonder" was hampered) I was always trying to get back to "the way things are supposed to be."  Clearly I had some things pretty mixed up during those dark years of my early teens though and I was a little directionless, but I was reaching. 

In the below entry I can pick up on some of that "reaching": Trying to reflect and make sense of how to reach for God and live a meaningful life that acknowledges Him and lives in line with His paradigm for life. The main point of my entry seems to be that things in Africa were not "on demand" or dependable the way things can be in the U.S. and to me these "inconveniences" and "difficulties" seemed beneficial.

In my case, I did learn to think about God more often through these unique elements of living on the mission field. (That does not mean everyone else needs to live without reliable running water in order to encounter God however, as I almost seem to assert below!) God used many things during my time in Malawi to help me grow and gain perspective that I did not have previously. Clearly, though, I can also see in this entry that I did not have it all correctly figured out. In many ways I lacked peace, grace, and rest in the hope of the Gospel, and I can sense that as I reread my 15 year old ramblings. 

I admire the way I recognized as a 15 year old though that there is meaning and hope beyond the things of this Earth. I was learning that so many things in life are temporal and fleeting. I was learning to look beyond, toward the "more" that God has in hand to promise to us. 

Enjoy. I left it unedited, including original typos.

5/24/13 2:08 PM

Living in Malawi is good. You learn to let go of the world.

 Best friends leave every year - friends who live everywhere on the globe, who you very well may never see again; The power cuts and you loose work and website addresses that you may never be able to find again; Electronics or other things get stollen every now and then, and you have to just get over it; Fuel prices go up and weekend plans have to be cancelled... You learn pacience, self conrtol. You learn what is really important and what doesn't actually matter. You learn to lean on God and wait for Him to give you what you need, and take things away if it's time. You learn that life isn't about oneself, or even the world at all; it's more. Think outside the box, dang it!  The earth is in a great big box, but outside of it, there is such a thing as 'purpose', and living for the Kingdom.  There are things that really matter out there, things we should find - that we should hold on to - but they aren't of this world.  One must let go...

There aren't the same pressures in Africa as are in America, and not the same concerns and prioreties - shoved down your throte by TV and other media.  You see a different side of things after living in Africa for a while. You see God in things, and love that you didn't quite feel as deeply before.   Africa is more real world to me; people KNOW the world isn't perfect here, and they don't/can't really try and make it that way.  American culture is alot about self and comfort - making life, somehow, perfect... It's just not realistic.  I'll get comfort in Heaven, or here from the Holy Spirit - The Comforter. And, honestly, it's never about self - can't be, won't be, isn't.

There is more.