Listen

Let
Everything
Tempting
Go
Out

And
Never
Dare

Letting
In
Voices
Enticing

Don't Close Your Eyes

Let's just be quite while they speek
And let down our minds for a moment to sleep
Understand that I don't mean to hurt
I just want you to hear my words

I never knew that you could make such a daring choice
Sounds to me like you only love your voice
Trying to bend the truth with the sound of your beating heart
With your thoughts more twisted that the darkest parts
You could never know
How hard it is to let go
Because You've been holding on to what you think
Is the best thing to hold on while you sink
Into the thick cold black, blue hole
Where you bury the sounds that speak to your soul

One day we could try
To open our blind eyes
And search for something more in life
Than just our mistakes
And see what turn life takes
Instead of holding on the the crust of the city
While the besieging sounds of sin start sounding pretty

I know my mind has been lost in the streets
But I know that I can overcome the stress I meet
Because I've been planted on the solid ground
Where I finally see my strength is found
And I don't have to give up at the sign of death
While I keep a steady breath
I'll show them that I will not be moved

Lets look out
One more time
So that we can see
That sun shine
Before out minds doubt 

Reflections from a 15 year old about living in Africa: Let Go Of The Earth

The below entry is a reflection which I wrote shortly after turning 15 years old. To give you some context and commentary:

My family and I were still living in Malawi, Africa at this point, but were about to make the move back to the U.S. We had lived there for over 3 years at that point. During those years, the only time I had been back in the States was a few months prior to this entry, for a funeral. I had strong feelings about America, and thought that life in Africa was much better. 

I had a lot of deep thoughts as a kid (I still do), and I reflected often on God, the world, the meaning of life, what the best way to live life would be, where I should fit in the world, what other people really need, and how I should help them. I can see elements in the below entry of trying to make sense of some of these topics and proclaim my opinions to the world. 

Unfortunately, I was somewhat angry and was definitely self righteous. I was also dealing with a lot of fears, hurts, and points of confusion during those early teen years. A year or two prior to this entry, some pretty palpable spiritual warfare had become a regular element of my private life after having given the devil a foothold through sinful strategies of coping, namely cutting myself and regularly listening to destructive music. By the time of the below entry, as a 15 year old, I had started receiving intrusive suicidal thoughts and impulses (which I attribute largely to demonic attack.)  I remember having these thoughts quite intensely while visiting America a few months prior, and feeling very scared. 

I longed for God, and to live for God. Ever since I was a very young child I have had an abiding desire and longing to glorify God and help others know how wonderful, beautiful, and powerful He is. However, I felt far from God at this point because of my wicked behaviors and because of how close the devil felt...  

I was always trying to figure out how to live life correctly, so that I could enjoy the world the way God intended it, and so that I could be most productive and effective in serving and exalting God. I think ever since a certain point in early childhood (at which I had felt like "my dreams were crushed" and my "sense of awe and wonder" was hampered) I was always trying to get back to "the way things are supposed to be."  Clearly I had some things pretty mixed up during those dark years of my early teens though and I was a little directionless, but I was reaching. 

In the below entry I can pick up on some of that "reaching": Trying to reflect and make sense of how to reach for God and live a meaningful life that acknowledges Him and lives in line with His paradigm for life. The main point of my entry seems to be that things in Africa were not "on demand" or dependable the way things can be in the U.S. and to me these "inconveniences" and "difficulties" seemed beneficial.

In my case, I did learn to think about God more often through these unique elements of living on the mission field. (That does not mean everyone else needs to live without reliable running water in order to encounter God however, as I almost seem to assert below!) God used many things during my time in Malawi to help me grow and gain perspective that I did not have previously. Clearly, though, I can also see in this entry that I did not have it all correctly figured out. In many ways I lacked peace, grace, and rest in the hope of the Gospel, and I can sense that as I reread my 15 year old ramblings. 

I admire the way I recognized as a 15 year old though that there is meaning and hope beyond the things of this Earth. I was learning that so many things in life are temporal and fleeting. I was learning to look beyond, toward the "more" that God has in hand to promise to us. 

Enjoy. I left it unedited, including original typos.

5/24/13 2:08 PM

Living in Malawi is good. You learn to let go of the world.

 Best friends leave every year - friends who live everywhere on the globe, who you very well may never see again; The power cuts and you loose work and website addresses that you may never be able to find again; Electronics or other things get stollen every now and then, and you have to just get over it; Fuel prices go up and weekend plans have to be cancelled... You learn pacience, self conrtol. You learn what is really important and what doesn't actually matter. You learn to lean on God and wait for Him to give you what you need, and take things away if it's time. You learn that life isn't about oneself, or even the world at all; it's more. Think outside the box, dang it!  The earth is in a great big box, but outside of it, there is such a thing as 'purpose', and living for the Kingdom.  There are things that really matter out there, things we should find - that we should hold on to - but they aren't of this world.  One must let go...

There aren't the same pressures in Africa as are in America, and not the same concerns and prioreties - shoved down your throte by TV and other media.  You see a different side of things after living in Africa for a while. You see God in things, and love that you didn't quite feel as deeply before.   Africa is more real world to me; people KNOW the world isn't perfect here, and they don't/can't really try and make it that way.  American culture is alot about self and comfort - making life, somehow, perfect... It's just not realistic.  I'll get comfort in Heaven, or here from the Holy Spirit - The Comforter. And, honestly, it's never about self - can't be, won't be, isn't.

There is more.

If You Think You Are The Best

     If you come to a place like I did, then you'll understand what I mean when I say that sometimes you  get to the point where you believe that you are the solution to someone's problems. I've tried so hard all my life to fix people's problems, to be the one person that can help, the "only" person that can help. I wanted everything to turn out  where I got the glory and I was the one who received the praise. I wanted so badly to hear the words "I love you", "You are amazing", "You have helped me so much", so that I could get what I want. I became someone hungry to help, only so that people could see me, the only person that I really cared about. I became obsessed with the words of others. I only wanted to be known... I wanted to hear that I did a good job. I can try to blame it all on my hard times, but it's truly from the center of my pride.

   I  wanted to be the only solution. It killed me today, but in a good way. I read a long un-published  blog post by a friend about how God saved her, and in her solitude, in her tears, she cried out and was saved from herself, from the pain she felt. I wanted to be the one to do it... I desperately wanted it deep down in my sick heart, to be the one that could claim the title of the ultimate lover, of the ultimate savior. I exalted myself in my mind to be more important than God... I threw away all of myself... I threw it all away

  I wanted at first to save her, but not by myself, I wanted to show her the love God had showed me, and help give her advice... I immediately knew deep down that I would become too attached. I hungered to be the most loved. I cared only about myself... I played it well for while.. I sickly lied to my best friend... I lied to myself. I did care about God, and loved Him  with all my heart!... But I cared more about her... and it tore me apart.

  I came to a place where I only cared about getting the attention and love I wanted... but I was never able to help, because I was only allowing myself to help...

  Sure, I like this girl, and I love her, but I made her an idol in my life. I made her more important that I made God. When it's time for me to back up and let God do what he needs to do, I was killed inside. But being killed, I am reborn. I now know that I was never meant to do this. I was meant to love, to obey, to help, to pray, but I was never meant to take God's place, or at least try. I've been in the rough because I've been in the wrong, but now that I see, I can finally rejoice that I am not strong enough to do this all alone :D! I am not able to do this :D! I have never been so happy that I can't do something in my life! I am so happy that my friend is able to find the truth, even though I've messed up and have done wrong! And in knowing that, I've finally been able to break down the barrier that I've been trying to find. I am free, and can grow again.

   I still love my best friend, but I am so happy that she is able to do so much without me, and that I am not number one :D!










  and... I LOST THE GAME!!

Tempting

It's so tempting to just let yourself give up. To let go of everything and all the truth that you had. It's so easy to let down your guard and just go and get lost in the flow. When I sit back and relax it's easy to forget the reason why I was standing before. It's easy to lose your place and wander off and just forget about all that you were doing. Sometimes we pray for things like this. To just have an end. To just be done. To finish.

But how can I finish? There is no way that I'm done with everything. There are still people lonely, depressed, and worse off than me. How can I sit back and be fine with all of that? It's so tempting to allow myself to forget the faces of people that I know need someone. It's tempting to try and hide myself in a room alone so that people don't have to come and ask me for help. And it's so tempting to think that I really can live all alone. All by myself. All alone.

Is that really the way that I am supposed to live? Isn't life supposed to be free? Why am I still living in my own captivity? Can I get up and move, or will I sit frozen? Can I hear the words that are written down? I am free, and there is nothing that can shake me or break me into temptation. Maybe if I say that I'll never deal with it all again, right? I'm free, right? I'm free.

If I say I'm free, than I'm free, right? Or am I? Or will I? Can't I? Will I just sit here and question myself? Or will I do something that could change someone else? True joy is found in the son, but what happens if I can't see him? Can I? Will I?

Yes. There is only one answer.

Searching for an Answer

People are always searching for something to fulfill them and they never find it. I have been struggling with this for some time now. I know God is the only way I should go but I feel like I am always trying to find a way to get out of that. I just went to my Youth Group ad it was really great we talked on The Bible, which you might think that that is always what youth group, is but this one we talked about how God shows himself in his work and through his work. And i didn't realize how much He shows us that we pass by everyday. I still have a hard time finding God sometimes but He is every where and you don't even have to search to find something that will fulfill you all you have to do is open your eyes. And the only way to open your eyes is for Christ to heal your blindness. I need that to happen in my life so that I can follow my Lord.