Going

I realize just how lost I've been. Whether you believe in God or not, you can argue that we're all looking for comfort and something. Some kind of truth. Some sort of love.

I try so hard to run from God. I read thee verses about how we are all bound to worshiping God forever. I think to myself... Man what a drag... I have to spend the rest of my life worshiping something... I don't get to relax or do what I want... I don't get what I really want. And it's funny because I believe in God, but I still struggle to want to worship Him forever. 

So I run away. I tell Him that I'll stop, but I can't handle the responsibility. It's like the job I had a while ago. I was making $11 an hour but I worked for 10 hours on a Saturday about once a month. And I didn't want to give that up. I wanted to be able to do what I wanted for once, get everything I wanted. But whenever I finally do whatever I want I find it unsatisfying... I find myself more empty than before. I try to run away from all I've done.. I try to run away from God.. I try to live all on my own, but I can't. I physically, spiritually, and emotionally can't. I feel so alone... I keep running.

And I listen to songs about doing what I want and I get on a high of pride and self esteem. I get into a groove of doing whatever I want, not caring about anything.

But when I fall on my face again... I find myself desperate for his love. 

I love the lyrics to this song called the sinner:

"I know I could never run far enough to escape your love, so why do I keep running?" 

It hits me hard and I just realize how much I love him and want him. 

Whether you're looking for love in Drugs, sex, money, whatever... There's only one kind  of love that will satisfy.

And I have to realize it everyday.