If you come to a place like I did, then you'll understand what I mean when I say that sometimes you get to the point where you believe that you are the solution to someone's problems. I've tried so hard all my life to fix people's problems, to be the one person that can help, the "only" person that can help. I wanted everything to turn out where I got the glory and I was the one who received the praise. I wanted so badly to hear the words "I love you", "You are amazing", "You have helped me so much", so that I could get what I want. I became someone hungry to help, only so that people could see me, the only person that I really cared about. I became obsessed with the words of others. I only wanted to be known... I wanted to hear that I did a good job. I can try to blame it all on my hard times, but it's truly from the center of my pride.
I wanted to be the only solution. It killed me today, but in a good way. I read a long un-published blog post by a friend about how God saved her, and in her solitude, in her tears, she cried out and was saved from herself, from the pain she felt. I wanted to be the one to do it... I desperately wanted it deep down in my sick heart, to be the one that could claim the title of the ultimate lover, of the ultimate savior. I exalted myself in my mind to be more important than God... I threw away all of myself... I threw it all away
I wanted at first to save her, but not by myself, I wanted to show her the love God had showed me, and help give her advice... I immediately knew deep down that I would become too attached. I hungered to be the most loved. I cared only about myself... I played it well for while.. I sickly lied to my best friend... I lied to myself. I did care about God, and loved Him with all my heart!... But I cared more about her... and it tore me apart.
I came to a place where I only cared about getting the attention and love I wanted... but I was never able to help, because I was only allowing myself to help...
Sure, I like this girl, and I love her, but I made her an idol in my life. I made her more important that I made God. When it's time for me to back up and let God do what he needs to do, I was killed inside. But being killed, I am reborn. I now know that I was never meant to do this. I was meant to love, to obey, to help, to pray, but I was never meant to take God's place, or at least try. I've been in the rough because I've been in the wrong, but now that I see, I can finally rejoice that I am not strong enough to do this all alone :D! I am not able to do this :D! I have never been so happy that I can't do something in my life! I am so happy that my friend is able to find the truth, even though I've messed up and have done wrong! And in knowing that, I've finally been able to break down the barrier that I've been trying to find. I am free, and can grow again.
I still love my best friend, but I am so happy that she is able to do so much without me, and that I am not number one :D!
and... I LOST THE GAME!!
