But I Am A Somebody (An Entry From The Archives)

Here is another entry I dug up from the archives. I find it to be an interesting look inside the mind of my then 19 year old self. 

For context: I had just attempted suicide 3 months prior, had been fired from my job shortly after, was about to graduate from high school, and was not doing much with my life at that point besides laying in bed depressed and watching videos on YouTube. I was not even doing much in the way of schooling. I was finishing up just a couple of required high school credits online in order to graduate, but was only putting in the bare minimum effort to pass. No wonder I felt so low! A lot of change was necessary, both in my lifestyle and my heart and mind. 

4/15/17 2:05AM

what do I learn from reflecting on my past?
First, I dig into my memory and I seem to learn that my past self was a glorious creature and that now I am a lazy and fearful waste of space.
WOW. that may be taking it a bit far, even I think so. though my daily thoughts may paint a different picture. It would be a picture of a girl fully believing she was a waste of space.
How sad.. and how sad is it also that I realize it is sad only when I think of how you as an audience to my display may react. I in myself become to myself my greatest enemy and fear. I then become someone who imposes only more fear and failure and shame.
Why would I be that to myself? Why are you that to yourself? And why is it not shocking to us in the very same moment as that in which we are to ourselves someone we would never allow ourselves to be towards someone else? It would shock and appall me, I would hope, if I saw someone ruthlessly belittling someone else, let alone if I saw myself do the same. But am I myself not a someone? Are you not a somebody? Do we not matter? Other people matter, we say, because they are people. Do we then become a different category when relating to ourselves? What kind of sick pride overcomes us to a point where we deem ourselves exempt from the standards and loyalties we deem others to deserve? What sort of pride entrances me to think that everyone is equal and intrinsically valuable, but that I am above or beyond these, or moreover am qualified with an authority to decide and assign or remove such fundamental factors from someone? Because I am someone

Prayer Is Not Pointless (An Entry From the Archives)

Here is another entry form the archive. 

It is from about a week after my 15th birthday. 

It is interesting to read my 15 year old thoughts. I may not have had all of my theology right, or at least not the clearest words to express it, but I was learning about God's faithfulness and kindness to those who have put their trust in Him. I am grateful to look back and see that I was wanting to honor and praise God and share about Him with others. 

3/11/13 

I used to think that when I sinned or was going through something hard, that it was all my fault - that God was merely disappointed. For a time I even believed that God wanted to strike me down, dead, for all of the things I failed to do and the times I deliberately disobeyed. However, I have found out the truth that is clearly in the Bible:  He is going to love us no matter what. And He is always there for us. 

I also used to think that praying was sometimes kind of useless. I figured, if God already knows what happened today, how I feel and what I do/don't want to do, then why should I wast my time telling Him? 
I have proven this outlook wrong by experience! Thank God.

The Bible tells us to pray constantly and mentions prayer all the time. It is a stressed issue, prayer, and God makes it sound like a pretty big deal.  I'll let you in on a story that changed my perspective, though I had read these things in the Bible countless times:  One night I was crying in my closet, troubled and let down by life and the the things in it.  I was questioning the purpose of continuing to live. I wondered why I should keep living through all of my misery if I knew I was going to Heaven eventually anyway. Why not just get it over with, get to Heaven and be done with it?!  I'd be with Christ.  No more disappointment,  no more messing up on my part. That's what would be best, right? - I thought, over and over in my mind. I was so confused, and yet so convinced of my own ideas.

I sat in my closet contemplating, still crying, beginning to get scared - worried of what I was giving into and appalled at what I might have done. All of a sudden I felt overtaken and I couldn't ignore God any longer. I reminded myself out-loud that  that He was with me. I started to cry out to Him like i never had before, telling Him all of the "obvious" things. I'm Tired!  Life is hard right now, God! Why do I have to keep living? Should I, do I have to? School is hard! I'm so far away from you! I need more sleep!  I feel rejected and it sucks!  Do I have to go through it all alone? 

I talked to God aloud through my tears, and as I did I felt gradually better. I felt His peace come over me as I asked Him for it. I no longer felt chained to whatever evil held me. No, maybe I wasn't suddenly a perfect person, nor was my life insta-cured, but, for the first time, I experienced the freedom that has always been mine through Christ. Life was no longer the monster I believed it to be. It no longer ruled me, because I had accepted the truth of God's almighty love and power. He is always with us, always for us, always holding us carefully in His hand.  

I always knew God could free me, give me peace, and do even more than He did for me that night, but before, I assumed I would just get it. I figured whining to Him about life wouldn't do anything but make Him mad.  I discovered there, though, that my 'figurings' were far from true. God doesn't mind us "whining to Him," in fact, He wants us to talk to Him and actively include Him in every part of our lives!  He knows you hurt, He hurts for you. He's not mad, He's just bummed that we won't accept what is best. He know's we do wrong and won't strike us down for doing so. He wants us to repent for our own good, but He will always love us, no matter what.   

I learned to talk to God. To tell Him whats up even if it sounds discontent. I ended my desperate prayer in the closet that night with praises, with smiles, and my tears of despair turned to tears of gratitude and joy! Talking to God does so much. One of the things being that it sets your mind strait, and back to truth.  Talking to God, I think, is the first step away from the bondage of lies. 

Try it out!  Discover the power of prayer and the glories of our God and King. 
If you don't know what to say, you have no excuse! I suggest opening up to Psalms and reading a few out as a prayer to the Father. That's what they were to David in the first place anyway: prayers. I have found it helpful.  

“I cry aloud with my voice to the Lord;

I make supplication with my voice to the Lord.

I pour out my complaint before Him;

I declare my trouble before Him.

When my spirit was overwhelmed within me,

You knew my path.

In the way where I walk

They have hidden a trap for me.

Look to the right and see;

For there is no one who regards me;

There is no escape for me;

No one cares for my soul” (Psalm 142)

A 2017 Poem: A Reflection

The following is a poem I dug up out of the archives. 

I would have written this just after having graduated from high school. I was honestly in a pretty dark place at that point, although I did feel like I had been through some things, faced them, and begun to overcome them. About 6 months prior to this, in January of 2017, was my third and final suicide attempt. Following that I had been fired from a job because of being emotionally unstable: sometimes joyful with amazing customer service, sometimes having a tearful breakdown and hardly able to operate.

As I read this poem, I see elements of hope as well as a recognition of still needing more help. At that time, I knew this "life" that I needed would be found in Jesus; I was trying to walk that path, though very clumsily. It would have been probably a month after writing this that I began searching for faith-based residential treatment centers because I was becoming aware that I was stuck and probably wouldn't get unstuck without some intensive help. 

I hope you enjoy this poem. I often tried to write a little bit cryptically when I wrote poetry back then. I was fond of poetry that required some extra observation and thought in order to discern the intended meaning. 

6/27/17 1:20AM

Beginning, middle, now 

"Once upon a time," (That's the way you start a tale)

living in "Happily ever after"... seemed it had no way to fail.

reversed, it started good  (like every childhood should.) 

but like the real world, it got REAL. 

once upon a happiness,

life, although a big mess,

dreamed itself onto a road headed straight to life.

And when I tell you "life" I mean more than a heartbeat. 

I'm talking about joy and truth, the stuff that makes life sweet. 

That's the beginning of my story. but 

"Happily ever" ended. 

Dreams were crushed. They crushed them! well, 

I think I crushed them myself. 

I listened to a voice inside that said creativity had to die. 

And mind you all, this was first grade. 

its a rough... rea...lity... to face. 

I crept along there after that. Hope flew the coop, I regret. 

the pain, the shame, the blame, the game, 

it played itself out like life had no place. 

Like I had none. Did I belong? 

Once upon those dreary days, I had to think that I did not. 

I guess I could have done it different

hope, like seen in my life NOW, If I had talked, it would have listened. 

There were other paths I could have walked.

 Some might say I SHOULD have. 

But if I had, where would I be? if all had just been laughs...

 would I have had such a story? 

I know I could have done it different.

But I went the ways I went. 

And now, here, out on the other side, (well, kind of. I'm not g

onna lie)

I have hope and I have peace. And I have something to share. 

The people that only sought perfection for me, didn't really care. 

The story that brought me real life, was the one that's mostly hard. 

The stuff that's worth attaining, was worth the training and the paining. 

the life that left me marred, left me also singing... praising... 

I guess I could have done it different

But I went the ways I went. 

And with the damage came a story

I wish I had kept writing

I wish I had kept fighting.

But im here now. dont look back

Don't complain. 

You'd be the same. 

You're better now for the things you faced. 

I said goodbye

I shied my eyes 

It didn't work. I couldn't cry. 

I want to know now.

Don't need to see. 

I want to say hello to the 'more' I need. 

we
carried
the
weight
for
so
long.
drying
up
our
tears.
carrying
each
other,
we
traveled
throughout
the
years.
i
look
back
in
sorrow,
watching
sorrow's
grip-
but
the
best
part
about
growing
older
is
leaving
all
of
this-
so
let's
leave
all
the
past
behind,
even
though
the
past
is
missed-
let's
take
new
hearts
and
share
them
proudly,
let
us
never
now
forget!
-the
greatest
hope
we
have
found,
leaves
now
inside
our
chest!
with
open
arms
to
other
cries,
we
give
them
this
precious
gift.

"Oll Eiy Whunt Ees Ahnseers"

12

I wait for the worst parts
The ones where we cry
And die
And lose hope-
Hoping we can be reunited with all of our guilt
All of our sinful shame.
I dream of each moment!

Smash your head against the wall until it cracks
Crunching your brain in half like a bag of chips!
And you watch as you lose all that you had
In the steady leaking of the blood that drips!
Stick your hands in with your poisoned finger tips!
And let the worst parts become your better fix!
Like the times when you had to look into the eyes of her dad
And tell him how you weren't man enough to hold yourself back!
So that you could please yourself enough to send your mind into bliss
And let her drown in her tears because she's lost her innocence!

-what a perfect man to sit back and hold hands with!
As if his promises of love were too much to resist!
Well trap me up and keep me bound in chains!
So that my flesh can starve out until just your spirit remains!
For every time that my mind was allowed to slip!
I wish twelve more chains to be around my wrists!
Because I'm afraid of myself and what my mind can think!
And how I was ok with the fact that I watched you sink!-

-drown me and forget that I will struggle as I cannot breathe-

-for i deserve to choke on my blood for pushing you past the brink-


"Threw My Brain in With My Darks"

One line:
"Subject hates"
I hate that he hates-
I hate him because he hates-
"Subject hates"
-
Disagreement is a new parallel to the common synonyms
Like clashing feelings are a cause to allow death's linger in-
Let blood sink into them-
Hate's definition is to hold an opinion
Different-
To believe that there is an absolute
Right or wrong
Would be to believe that some die young and some live long!
Some stay weak and some stay strong!
To believe that you're on track-
Not lost in song-

To believe in the absolute
Is to hate
The
Ones
Who
Loved
You.




"All We Are Is Dust"

- it's the fact that in fact I am stating the fact
That factual feelings are in fact a fact intact
so as you interpret my meaning as pretend and ask
"whats going on with you, your past?"
well the past is the past and it doesn't stay or last
so just take a step back and realize that the mask
is now the face and I create my craft
all that I dream comes into reality and that's that-

-another instance of the public opinion on a healthy heart and what it had,
twisting it into two until it breaks and has to crash-

thought it was my thoughts, yet my friends seem to tell me to end this all fast
-who I am is who they say, I'm happy at last...

at least until the moments gone and it's harder to go back..
just know that I loved you and that you don't have to ask
I will wait for you and love you, even when all time has passed.


"When All I Have"

Blow a dart through the eye of a needle
In a beetle's bull's eye's eye of the fetal
Position used to permission the perspiration of children
Flowing from the cycle wheels on their next revision-
Intermission-
The cat walks in the bathroom with the lights off,
Cat's cough, drops his neck soft loft, STOP
His paws from picking it and licking it off the top
Shelf of the urinary depository shelter shop-
Cat's pleasure walk-
The beetle's wife still cries to the beat
Beating butterfly kisses on the front left cheek
Tongue out, pierced through nose ring bling
Shine bright like the glossy wet stain, sting-
Half a toe dream-
"We call this recession", session dismissed for obsession
With questions about lessons learned by sections
In the left hand direction weeping willow pull our pension
From the pockets until the rocket red will start suspension!
Skin peeling regression!
Drizzle dribbling brizzles of bad mouth grizzle
Fat down throat smoke sizzle with frizzy hair frizzle!
Blood suckdown proud pretzel frazzle
Flowing mud slug suction cup dry slump saddle!
Have you watched your mind battle
The thoughts of many cattle
Pronged along like kids caught by tattle
Tale stories of dead bodies and hastles!
 Watch them rattle-
Shatter glass got caught in the brains back
Spinal chord twisted in two ways tied around a racetrack
Task force grants permission for the Hazmat
Gas mask, tear burning sensation, blood, sweat and gun caps-
Gunshot whiplash-
Pulling out the hairy back hand wrist rip
Falling out grey death, black heart, sunk ship
Flipped over the backside walls to pavement
Too hard to bouncy ball back up to save it-
What a world we created-
Cracked skull thought shots, drink down the toxic
Hot spit, words flowing through split tongue box fit,
Cracked teeth lost kids, babies sucking down bottles lost in
Jungle jam, juicing through the ice box foxes sneak  in closets!
The world's spinning so fast, there's no way to stop it-
It's surprising how we don't see that we're all lost yet!

-Smothered thoughts stuffed in hot-pockets-

Chocolate candy crunch caddies
Collecting cash for cashless basket ball bratties
Signs out for the voters waking past to help pass
New founding fathered fights coming out from a side blast
Like loose change clanging around kids pockets running on their next task.
Gun smoke and big laughs!
Fat rolls and face masks!
Plastic cuts on their plastic butts
With plastic cups to plash, this sucks-
Sitting silently shaking side eye sleep from my scenery
While watching marching charging arching bodies with iPhones barking
Sparking jargon, bargain bad brands bad buddies, bad boys brought them
To the trail blazer laser tazor razor raging rager so they run the white eraser,
Creating chaser chasten shaver sold out to the top tip boss hips and fat man staplers!
Staple life and death to the forhead of a black or white head favor!
Favor the latter for climbing ladders to be lax after their corrupt behavior!
Oh! Why the growing labor-

-Voting-

-Watch the whitewashed wordplay transfix the reflections, what's the word say-
Somebody's gotta give a little something to satisfy the pigs and their harsh pay-
Push your limping lug nut out on his knees until he's feet and his toes touch-
Drown yourself in the shame you made in the captivating closet with the doors shut-


Out-a-body wobble gobble bobble
Bad breath stank meth dress and hobble
Around the room bloom like a butterfly in a bottle
Bottled up like a baby bathing his bad boy boo boos in milk brothels
Brussels sprouts stuck between the teeth
Tasting wretched obscene and the untold things!
Watch my eyes fall back behind the boarded up bathroom sink!
Vomit viciously vacating the esophagus out past the mouth peak!

We -
all just infants waiting for open mouth springs
- gold sprinkled between ice cubes in iced tea
Meandering open thoughts of me-
i-
selfish enough to pay pretty pennies for thoughts crunched through keyboards, typed
- coughing up lust, disease, anger fear, malice, and overgrown pride
So that the would can know it was out of spite-

- my God, it's hard to see past my reflection into my brother's eyes-


one half for me and one half for me too
too many parasites in my blood to look out for parasites in you
you know how this goes as the going grows new
new mouths to feed new bites to chew
chew it quietly to myself, the bites are too few
few make it down my throat as my neck turns blue
blue battered skies with the sea like battered hue
hue is distorted from my point of distorted view
view- a pretty place far from anything I can and will do
-do not do nothing, do you see, do you see! im through-

-all thanks to the sit back claps behind your pretty painted pews;
when will you see that sometimes it's hard to believe without proof
and that im just as lost as the next person, that's just plain truth
so lend me a helping hand not a burning word driving me askew-

-tsertaine ptruthe-

- when will the rocket white noise end their sound
and all that got thrown  up come crashing down
when will i get some sleep at night!
i beat my head to dull the noise just like i beat my wife-
-cocaine dreams
cocaine dreams
the sound of the nose-pain bleeds
cocaine dreams
cocaine dreams
"shut the hell up girl, I'm trying to sleep!"-
watching memories
fading elegies
grey smoke drifting from throat capturing common greens,
floating entrance fees
shaken masterpiece
master of my home mastered by the firm grip of the enemy
demonic force chain to the pentagram imprinted on my shattered knees-
chain smoking crack to the rhythm of grandma's record sheets!
gun to my temple to help the war and his buddies flee-
when will my mind empty itself of me-

to try and stop the bleeding in my vessels
we wait for the pressure
our pounding bit of pressure-
you sit there doubtful
every smile's a lie
all you are is crumbling inside-
reaching for the cabinet doors
spinning- hoping that stopping will leave you cold on the floor
all the tile is still keeping you warm
going down is a pain, but with a happy reward
oh, the drugs never have a plan to restore-

-dad why'd you have to go
why'd you have to leave me here alone;
i know you watch me here below,
what will happen if i let this page close
-gunshot, blood stained escape way
through the lead through the head space trade
open wide for eyes to see through the hole made
dead daughter on the counter with eyes wide awake-

momma calling son
"useless waist of taken up space-
not worth the cost of my thoughts on your unseen face
disgraceful to me, wish you weren't my son
wish i went to med school and didn't sell out so young
should've never listened to your daddy's song
telling me to pack my bags and cuddle up in his arms - wrong!
never should've
could've could've
maybe i would've
maybe i will
maybe i am
i am
i am more than a woman attached to a man
more than a mom attached to a hand
more than a ring wrapped, a wedding band
more than cable, dishes, pots and pans
more than a ceremony anniversary plan-
i am
i am
i'm gone"-

son go waist away somewhere where my eyes don't have to be glued
to the scene as life takes yours away from you, leaving you dead and blue-
you're already dead to me, so go die somewhere out of my view
and bury your own body, i wont waste my money on that, i refuse.


-it seems as if my heart laid heavy with messages of missing families,
missing homes
missing hopes,
Christlike lovers with smiles on picture frames leaving holes
where they were meant to never leave, never left alone
yet moms walk out on families like this is the time to take a stand for what they own
yet dads think that they could get away with abusing their kids, maybe those bruises would never show
and maybe kids wont think much of living in two houses with two separate phones
two different schools, new friends, old friends, divided in somber tones-
"just do it for the kids, honey
they deserve more than me or you know
let's do what they all do
fake a smile
fake a frame
fake a while
fake our names
pictures on Christmas will still look the same"
"and once their gone?"
"we can burst into flames"
thinking that the kids don't notice
the long fights
the late lights
the long talks
the late walks
the long drives
the late lies
the bright screens
the loud screams
the doors slam
the house stamp
the long sobs
the long jobs
the moving boxes
the missing pictures
the blood on moms dress
the couch blankets
the magazines
the hidden lingerie
the missed calls
the bottles of wine in the back seat of the mini van
the adjusted seats
the drunken steps
the fake parents-
the fake lovers-

teach them about Jesus
"make sure to teach them about Jesus, hun!"
just as long as they don't see us
"hide the masks, they might not believe us, hun!"
tell them not to lie
tell them not to curse!
What's worse!
me saying a dirty word!
or hearing you say "i hate that stupid whore" then finding blood on her shirt!
make sure that you don't miss church!
because being perfect includes calling your kids worthless and letting every moment burn!
and we burn for this
too many drinks and dad becomes an alcoholic
watching me beaten trying to know the pounds and then call it,
betting with my brother on how long till i become black
falling on the wooden floors just after he breaks my back-
my dad was a pastor-
and how many more families will i watch fall apart
before someone gets a grip that you lose more than you are-
before someone figures that it's not worth all the pain,
not worth going days without seeing your daughter's face-
will we still love our sin
or will our families get more than the scraps from last nights affair-

-when will God be our source and not our self medicated needs
when will we stop being overcome by defeat-

-chrapt-

how can i take the sun and crumble it between my finger tips,
or master the earthquakes and pin point their movements-
swallowing the earth in blood and fire-
preventing me from falling back into the slow jaws of fate.

well we can sit inside the sun for days
growing hungry, foaming at the mouth
like the red will gloss over our lips
cooling the flames bursting from our eyelids-
stare in silence waiting for bad dreams
hoping old ghost are familiar faces to greet
like
black plagues coughed up in disease
watching our skin disintegrate into the bone and wash out to the sea-
and i could sit and wait for the fire to spread
bursting through your blood vessels again and again
until your eyes run black,
how much longer until the end
i've waited for this moment long before it even began!

-i could watch this world crash and burn before i lift a finger
i've waited so long to watch us fall apart, watch the taste linger-

if this is the start of the end then lets end
the small talk telling us to say we're old friends
because if i could i would cut you off from all this pretend
and imagine a world where there's no more to bend!
pluck!
out!
my!
eyes!
i want to forget!
the voice comes around to let my thoughts grow sound!
if there's anyway to start, then lets begin!

-i'll wait inside your closed closet doors
hoping that when i come out, you'll be nothing more-

-phlouting fhar ahf fghrom schoree-

self control, control yourself
seek not death, death don't seek
sell your doubts, doubt it's sell
speak not thoughts, thoughts don't speak.

-keep it inside!
let it fester!
don't let your thoughts speak their blood letters!

silence you mind!
silence the tempter!
beware it's flaming iron scepter! -

Ghosts in my head! Heads on my Ghost!
Fear the dead! Yet be dead to fear!
Coast the sidelines! Sides by the coast!
Hear the forests! And let the forests hear!

-speak your lies!
speak together!
screaming loudly will make it better!

place the pieces
where you remember!
Give yourself to the next contender-

stuff a mouth full of spaghetti O's with your sweaty toes
plopping a small soul to sit, sucking down 42 inches of mainstream kiddy shows
washing little brains with bleach and bad mouthed teachers making them sit in rows-
pretty them up nicely, these dismembered zombie walking undead with pretty clothes.

green eggs and ham handed to these little eyes,
not understanding the mold lying on the rice,
swallowing while food colored garbage- bargain price
for the best deal offered for one special night!

belly rolls and turnpike rolls are future for our secondary student eyes
watching women become wasted up wanton waiting to explode love where pleasure lies!

lies on the face of our common views!
laughter at the ones with countered news!

-
dead
dead
dead
dead
drink up your glasses!
suck down the drips!
let it drip down the masses!
fasten your hips!
the full moons she flashes!
drunk at the lips!
she can do what she wants!
but can't taste poisonous tips!

take out the gun
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
end the madness!
end the voices!
end the body!
end it's vigor!

take out the gun
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
blow your thoughts
all over the walls!
let them soak in!
let death be delivered!

i tape the faces upon my bathroom mirrors
and i remember every bone i broke!
skin peeled behind broken ears
and pulled off while the faces bleed and choke!

-punch your hand right through my chest and out through my back
look at the mess you made, it's in my bath-

-cut my heart in half like an avocado
let the neon blood seep through your hands right to Colorado,
playdough mushed gush in a red stained bottle,
swallow me deeply until your drunk, find the gap colossal!
two butter knives thrusting into my brain
rip it out and carve it, little bloody steak!
eat it
eat it
tear it apart!
your brain may be busy, but keep it far from your heart!
grab it with your fingers
pull it till it snaps
with these knives in my head, i can finally relax-

 -gawt hhomne phrome feisching-

fell out of the expanse of space
im the apple in the air
you are the eyes watching
speaking in breaths of ice-

my lips clenched together!
like a paper pressed to pen!
i stare at the ink dripping!
i bleed until im at my end!


you are the flower waving in front of my watching gaze
sway for me before the grass causes my legs to rash-
drenched in perfume, your smell leaves me dazed
dance with me before my bones turn back to ash-
burn your hands upon my chest!
-imprint yourself onto my heart!
to know who I am is loves true best!
-to love you is to become full part!


And you watch me bruise both my knees and drench myself in mud-
And you watch me shoot my brain until I'm standing soaked in blood-

-but perfect love never comes undone-

-take my broken heart and make us one-


dip your bread in my cup and drink till you have had full amount
eat with me at my table and let your mind pour all out
your thoughts i hear, have a beautiful sound
-where pain infests, there much more love abounds-

the silence at the table always gets me to stop and think
about the times that i find myself at my death's very brink!
all these days have numbers at the end of their lines!
when will be my end, when will it be my time!

-i am the haunted ghosts within my own halls
trapped within the ceiling!
i watch you from above the white washed walls
life unbothered looks so appealing-




if this is the end of my life and i left without a word
the pages blank and left all obscured
would i be okay without a story left behind!
would i let go and slip into endless time!
would i look back and hold on to hollow dreams!
would i let go and in death be complete!
if this was my last page would i say God is good
or just a thought that i've misunderstood-


-sink with me into death
release your heart; built up breath
close your eyes and be filled with rest
let thoughts empty, the mind forget
you were from dust and as it went
remember the good and all it's depth
the bad is gone, behind it's left
in my hands now lay your head-



"pheere"


-the remedy to this loneliness
Is the sad sound of your heartbeat
As the door creaks shut as you reminisce,
Remembering that you're parting!
Part ways with your second half
And wait and see how long that lasts
Before you're broken, beat up, crying on the floor
Begging time to take you away, you can't take anymore!
Because your screams in the shower can't fix a single thing!
No matter what you try to do this is the life you bring!
And you can't take back all the things that you've done!
The consequences will stay, they still weigh a ton!
And you miss just the words of the one who's still dear,
But the absence of voices makes you grow deeper in fear-

-until the sound of your doubting is all that you hear-




the trees sway back and forth
and the air grows thin,
the apple shakes a little more
as it's blown by the wind.
the basket lays now beneath
but as the storm slips in
the basket moves now from the tree,
the lights fade to dim.
the apple shakes a little more,
the darkness closes in.
the falling face now to the floor,
the darkness closes in,
the falling face now to the floor,
the darkness closes in.
-so tell me!
what did you mean when you said
you would be their to catch me when I fall!
was it a joke from the start,
was it serious at all-
the basket blows down the hill,
the tumbling apple follows too,
-it's sad to say when I'm closer to dead
I feel now I'm close to you.
It's sad to say when this is all in my head
I find I fell completely through!
you were made of yarn, never complete
how could I be what you chose!
no matter what I'd fall through your strings
there was nothing I could do-


"waiting for morning"

Tomorrow
I love you
And I wish I
Could hold you
But tonight
Has me choked
In this noose on my neck-
Kick out
My new stool
From under
My two feet
For tomorrow
I'll meet you
And you can finally kiss me!

-don't be afraid
"the little voices simply speak in retrospect"
don't be afraid
"death is only just a dream, just too complex"
don't be afraid
"if I was honest I would tell you this is best"
don't be afraid
"go now before there's no time left"-


don't
let
the
devil
take
your
mind-
his nails are all long, and he'll dig them inside!
cast
him
out
before
you
rise-
he will try to kill your thoughts with his lies!
take
out
your
sword
and
cut
him
out
tonight-
tomorrow can't wait, we can't waist much time!
trust
that
the
light
will
hold
you
tight-
His shining grace is enough for me to stay alive!


"the desires of my heart"

I think forever is a lovely endeavor
To achieve a friendship that never severs
-strong bonds yet light like a feather
Strapped in brown bonds of leather-
You are worth the doubts of us together.
And my hope in us will last, much longer than December-
And if it takes a long time, walking through lonely weather-
I will be just fin, know that you are my treasure.


-for the memories I've had, keep me in remorse
making me miss you even more..
yet I know that through the death of the flesh, the spirit shall be restored
and the tears we've cried shall stop and be nothing more!

I trust
That through time
True love will then be shown.
Until then
Right now's fine
The hope we have is enough.


Bringing hope
Right when
I feel like I'll fall,
The truest  love above them all
Tells me I'm worth it
Always loved
Never alone,
You bring hope when you call.


"713"

-keep on dreaming
for your dreams are precious,
they climb up through tall trees
and swim deep inside the trenches,
oh, they are precious
like the drives back home to lay side by side
hoping one day that you'd be on my mind
(hoping one day to finally get this right
and end up closer than what we are tonight)-
you keep my heart lit up and bright.

keep on dreaming
for you were never meant to stop soaring,
to stop singing like you always did, to let that water stop pouring-
you are a child of God, destined for his glory
and through all the pain, you will write out your story!

keep on dreaming
because I love to see you grow,
and as the heart gets pushed, his joy overflows.
you are strong and courageous, a warrior for truth,
as the enemy wages war, you stand strong in the roots!
like the times when we fell, but you pushed through it too,
you never let the shame leave you destitute!

-so just let me watch your dreams come alive in your songs.
I love the sound of your voice, I could listen all day long-

When All I Have

-for our kindred-

"When All I Have"

Blow a dart through the eye of a needle
In a beetle's bull's eye's eye of the fetal
Position used to permission the perspiration of children
Flowing from the cycle wheels on their next revision-
Intermission-
The cat walks in the bathroom with the lights off,
Cat's cough, drops his neck soft loft, STOP
His paws from picking it and licking it off the top
Shelf of the urinary depository shelter shop-
Cat's pleasure walk-
The beetle's wife still cries to the beat
Beating butterfly kisses on the front left cheek
Tongue out, pierced through nose ring bling
Shine bright like the glossy wet stain, sting-
Half a toe dream-
"We call this recession", session dismissed for obsession
With questions about lessons learned by sections
In the left hand direction weeping willow pull our pension
From the pockets until the rocket red will start suspension!
Skin peeling regression!
Drizzle dribbling brizzles of bad mouth grizzle
Fat down throat smoke sizzle with frizzy hair frizzle!
Blood suckdown proud pretzel frazzle
Flowing mud slug suction cup dry slump saddle!
Have you watched your mind battle
The thoughts of many cattle
Pronged along like kids caught by tattle
Tale stories of dead bodies and hastles!
 Watch them rattle-
Shatter glass got caught in the brains back
Spinal chord twisted in two ways tied around a racetrack
Task force grants permission for the Hazmat
Gas mask, tear burning sensation, blood, sweat and gun caps-
Gunshot whiplash-
Pulling out the hairy back hand wrist rip
Falling out grey death, black heart, sunk ship
Flipped over the backside walls to pavement
Too hard to bouncy ball back up to save it-
What a world we created-
Cracked skull thought shots, drink down the toxic
Hot spit, words flowing through split tongue box fit,
Cracked teeth lost kids, babies sucking down bottles lost in
Jungle jam, juicing through the ice box foxes sneak  in closets!
The world's spinning so fast, there's no way to stop it-
It's surprising how we don't see that we're all lost yet!

-Smothered thoughts stuffed in hot-pockets-

Chocolate candy crunch caddies
Collecting cash for cashless basket ball bratties
Signs out for the voters waking past to help pass
New founding fathered fights coming out from a side blast
Like loose change clanging around kids pockets running on their next task.
Gun smoke and big laughs!
Fat rolls and face masks!
Plastic cuts on their plastic butts
With plastic cups to plash, this sucks-
Sitting silently shaking side eye sleep from my scenery
While watching marching charging arching bodies with iPhones barking
Sparking jargon, bargain bad brands bad buddies, bad boys brought them
To the trail blazer laser tazor razor raging rager so they run the white eraser,
Creating chaser chasten shaver sold out to the top tip boss hips and fat man staplers!
Staple life and death to the forhead of a black or white head favor!
Favor the latter for climbing ladders to be lax after their corrupt behavior!
Oh! Why the growing labor-

-Voting-

-Watch the whitewashed wordplay transfix the reflections, what's the word say-
Somebody's gotta give a little something to satisfy the pigs and their harsh pay-
Push your limping lug nut out on his knees until he's feet and his toes touch-
Drown yourself in the shame you made in the captivating closet with the doors shut-


Out-a-body wobble gobble bobble
Bad breath stank meth dress and hobble
Around the room bloom like a butterfly in a bottle
Bottled up like a baby bathing his bad boy boo boos in milk brothels
Brussels sprouts stuck between the teeth
Tasting wretched obscene and the untold things!
Watch my eyes fall back behind the boarded up bathroom sink!
Vomit viciously vacating the esophagus out past the mouth peak!

We -
all just infants waiting for open mouth springs
- gold sprinkled between ice cubes in iced tea
Meandering open thoughts of me-
i-
selfish enough to pay pretty pennies for thoughts crunched through keyboards, typed
- coughing up lust, disease, anger fear, malice, and overgrown pride
So that the would can know it was out of spite-

- my God, it's hard to see past my reflection into my brother's eyes-


one half for me and one half for me too
too many parasites in my blood to look out for parasites in you
you know how this goes as the going grows new
new mouths to feed new bites to chew
chew it quietly to myself, the bites are too few
few make it down my throat as my neck turns blue
blue battered skies with the sea like battered hue
hue is distorted from my point of distorted view
view- a pretty place far from anything I can and will do
-do not do nothing, do you see, do you see! im through-

-all thanks to the sit back claps behind your pretty painted pews;
when will you see that sometimes it's hard to believe without proof
and that im just as lost as the next person, that's just plain truth
so lend me a helping hand not a burning word driving me askew-

-tsertaine ptruthe-

- when will the rocket white noise end their sound
and all that got thrown  up come crashing down
when will i get some sleep at night!
i beat my head to dull the noise just like i beat my wife-
-cocaine dreams
cocaine dreams
the sound of the nose-pain bleeds
cocaine dreams
cocaine dreams
"shut the hell up girl, I'm trying to sleep!"-
watching memories
fading elegies
grey smoke drifting from throat capturing common greens,
floating entrance fees
shaken masterpiece
master of my home mastered by the firm grip of the enemy
demonic force chain to the pentagram imprinted on my shattered knees-
chain smoking crack to the rhythm of grandma's record sheets!
gun to my temple to help the war and his buddies flee-
when will my mind empty itself of me-

to try and stop the bleeding in my vessels
we wait for the pressure
our pounding bit of pressure-
you sit there doubtful
every smile's a lie
all you are is crumbling inside-
reaching for the cabinet doors
spinning- hoping that stopping will leave you cold on the floor
all the tile is still keeping you warm
going down is a pain, but with a happy reward
oh, the drugs never have a plan to restore-

-dad why'd you have to go
why'd you have to leave me here alone;
i know you watch me here below,
what will happen if i let this page close
-gunshot, blood stained escape way
through the lead through the head space trade
open wide for eyes to see through the hole made
dead daughter on the counter with eyes wide awake-

momma calling son
"useless waist of taken up space-
not worth the cost of my thoughts on your unseen face
disgraceful to me, wish you weren't my son
wish i went to med school and didn't sell out so young
should've never listened to your daddy's song
telling me to pack my bags and cuddle up in his arms - wrong!
never should've
could've could've
maybe i would've
maybe i will
maybe i am
i am
i am more than a woman attached to a man
more than a mom attached to a hand
more than a ring wrapped, a wedding band
more than cable, dishes, pots and pans
more than a ceremony anniversary plan-
i am
i am
i'm gone"-

son go waist away somewhere where my eyes don't have to be glued
to the scene as life takes yours away from you, leaving you dead and blue-
you're already dead to me, so go die somewhere out of my view
and bury your own body, i wont waste my money on that, i refuse.


-it seems as if my heart laid heavy with messages of missing families,
missing homes
missing hopes,
Christlike lovers with smiles on picture frames leaving holes
where they were meant to never leave, never left alone
yet moms walk out on families like this is the time to take a stand for what they own
yet dads think that they could get away with abusing their kids, maybe those bruises would never show
and maybe kids wont think much of living in two houses with two separate phones
two different schools, new friends, old friends, divided in somber tones-
"just do it for the kids, honey
they deserve more than me or you know
let's do what they all do
fake a smile
fake a frame
fake a while
fake our names
pictures on Christmas will still look the same"
"and once their gone?"
"we can burst into flames"
thinking that the kids don't notice
the long fights
the late lights
the long talks
the late walks
the long drives
the late lies
the bright screens
the loud screams
the doors slam
the house stamp
the long sobs
the long jobs
the moving boxes
the missing pictures
the blood on moms dress
the couch blankets
the magazines
the hidden lingerie
the missed calls
the bottles of wine in the back seat of the mini van
the adjusted seats
the drunken steps
the fake parents-
the fake lovers-

teach them about Jesus
"make sure to teach them about Jesus, hun!"
just as long as they don't see us
"hide the masks, they might not believe us, hun!"
tell them not to lie
tell them not to curse!
What's worse!
me saying a dirty word!
or hearing you say "i hate that stupid whore" then finding blood on her shirt!
make sure that you don't miss church!
because being perfect includes calling your kids worthless and letting every moment burn!
and we burn for this
too many drinks and dad becomes an alcoholic
watching me beaten trying to know the pounds and then call it,
betting with my brother on how long till i become black
falling on the wooden floors just after he breaks my back-
my dad was a pastor-
and how many more families will i watch fall apart
before someone gets a grip that you lose more than you are-
before someone figures that it's not worth all the pain,
not worth going days without seeing your daughter's face-
will we still love our sin
or will our families get more than the scraps from last nights affair-

-when will God be our source and not our self medicated needs
when will we stop being overcome by defeat-

-chrapt-

how can i take the sun and crumble it between my finger tips,
or master the earthquakes and pin point their movements-
swallowing the earth in blood and fire-
preventing me from falling back into the slow jaws of fate.

well we can sit inside the sun for days
growing hungry, foaming at the mouth
like the red will gloss over our lips
cooling the flames bursting from our eyelids-
stare in silence waiting for bad dreams
hoping old ghost are familiar faces to greet
like
black plagues coughed up in disease
watching our skin disintegrate into the bone and wash out to the sea-
and i could sit and wait for the fire to spread
bursting through your blood vessels again and again
until your eyes run black,
how much longer until the end
i've waited for this moment long before it even began!

-i could watch this world crash and burn before i lift a finger
i've waited so long to watch us fall apart, watch the taste linger-

if this is the start of the end then lets end
the small talk telling us to say we're old friends
because if i could i would cut you off from all this pretend
and imagine a world where there's no more to bend!
pluck!
out!
my!
eyes!
i want to forget!
the voice comes around to let my thoughts grow sound!
if there's anyway to start, then lets begin!

-i'll wait inside your closed closet doors
hoping that when i come out, you'll be nothing more-

-phlouting fhar ahf fghrom schoree-

self control, control yourself
seek not death, death don't seek
sell your doubts, doubt it's sell
speak not thoughts, thoughts don't speak.

-keep it inside!
let it fester!
don't let your thoughts speak their blood letters!

silence you mind!
silence the tempter!
beware it's flaming iron scepter! -

Ghosts in my head! Heads on my Ghost!
Fear the dead! Yet be dead to fear!
Coast the sidelines! Sides by the coast!
Hear the forests! And let the forests hear!

-speak your lies!
speak together!
screaming loudly will make it better!

place the pieces
where you remember!
Give yourself to the next contender-

stuff a mouth full of spaghetti O's with your sweaty toes
plopping a small soul to sit, sucking down 42 inches of mainstream kiddy shows
washing little brains with bleach and bad mouthed teachers making them sit in rows-
pretty them up nicely, these dismembered zombie walking undead with pretty clothes.

green eggs and ham handed to these little eyes,
not understanding the mold lying on the rice,
swallowing while food colored garbage- bargain price
for the best deal offered for one special night!

belly rolls and turnpike rolls are future for our secondary student eyes
watching women become wasted up wanton waiting to explode love where pleasure lies!

lies on the face of our common views!
laughter at the ones with countered news!

-
dead
dead
dead
dead
drink up your glasses!
suck down the drips!
let it drip down the masses!
fasten your hips!
the full moons she flashes!
drunk at the lips!
she can do what she wants!
but can't taste poisonous tips!

take out the gun
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
end the madness!
end the voices!
end the body!
end it's vigor!

take out the gun
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
pull the trigger!
blow your thoughts
all over the walls!
let them soak in!
let death be delivered!

i tape the faces upon my bathroom mirrors
and i remember every bone i broke!
skin peeled behind broken ears
and pulled off while the faces bleed and choke!

-punch your hand right through my chest and out through my back
look at the mess you made, it's in my bath-

-cut my heart in half like an avocado
let the neon blood seep through your hands right to Colorado,
playdough mushed hush in a red stained bottle,
swallow me deeply until your drunk, find the gap colossal!
two butter knives thrusting into my brain
rip it out and carve it, little bloody steak!
eat it
eat it
tear it apart!
your brain may be busy, but keep it far from your heart!
grab it with your fingers
pull it till it snaps
with these knives in my head, i can finally relax-

 -gawt hhomne phrome feisching-

fell out of the expanse of space
im the apple in the air
you are the eyes watching
speaking in breaths of ice-

my lips clenched together!
like a paper pressed to pen!
i stare at the ink dripping!
i bleed until im at my end!


you are the flower waving in front of my watching gaze
sway for me before the grass causes my legs to rash-
drenched in perfume, you smell leaves me dazed
dance with me before my bones turn back to ash-
burn your hands upon my chest!
-imprint yourself onto my heart!
to know who I am is loves true best!
-to love you is to become full part!


And you watch me bruise both my knees and drench myself in mud-
And you watch me shoot my brain until I'm standing soaked in blood-

-but perfect love never comes undone-

-take my broken heart and make us one-


dip your bread in my cup and drink till you have had full amount
eat with me at my table and let your mind pour all out
your thoughts i hear, have a beautiful sound
-where pain infests, there much more love abounds-

the silence at the table always gets me to stop and think
about the times that i find myself at my death's very brink!
all these days have numbers at the end of their lines!
when will be my end, when will it be my time!

-i am the haunted ghosts within my own walls
trapped within the ceiling!
i watch you from above the white washed walls
life unbothered looks so appealing-




if this is the end of my life and i left without a word
the pages blank and left all obscured
would i be okay without a story left behind!
would i let go and slip into endless time!
would i look back and hold on to hollow dreams!
would i let go and in death be complete!
if this was my last page would i say God is good
or just a thought that i've misunderstood-


-sink with me into death
release your heart; built up breath
close your eyes and be filled with rest
let thoughts empty, the mind forget
you were from dust and as it went
remember the good and all it's depth
the bad is gone, behind it's left
in my hands now lay your head-

In A Push Pull Situation

"In a Push Situation"

Thick smoke spit
My tonic
Swell eyes split
Black cloud fix
Late night drips
Late night sips
Sipping up sap
Sapping up tipsy
Tap taps on the tips
Watch the floor lifting
Shifting
Smash, crackle crispy
Crunch mc nuggets
Four AM grizzly
Grizzle grease griot
Giving slurred wispily
Words like the feet
Falling faster swiftly
Like the head shoulder
Knees toes tickling
The senses of motion
Devotion to sick things!
Sick things!
Sick things!
Few friends out late
Grab a cake
Grab a mate
Grab a bake
Grab a fate
Drive it fast
Make it last
Make it crash
Make it all end quickly!
Quickly!
While she sleeps softly
Coughing up blood
Never felt haunting
Wanting her to wake up
Like the day's drugs scoffing
I'm the same drunk drugged up mug
With a lie stuck to the name like made up love
Like made up stories of truth masked with icing on top
Like the cherry minus vanilla, minus chocolate, minus ice cream, minus nice things
Minus life, minus death, minus point, minus breath, minus art, minus stability, minus self sufficient tranquility!
Find life
Find it right
Find it tonight
Find it before it's time
Find it before it's out of sight
Find it before your friends dead in head lights
Find it before you're a murderer plastered on the headlines
Find it before you find out that you wasted all this time on bad highs
Bad rhymes
Pushing away coffee cake
And pineapple plates
For a daily dose of dead drives.


"In A Pull Situation"

I just want to become your breath,
Your vapor,
Just the droplets on your window,
The dust on your picture frame,
The lint on your T-shirt,
The socks tossed away in your bedroom corner,
The quarter tucked behind crumbs and lost car keys inside your couch,
The forgotten toothbrush that you're not sure is yours-
For to be even the least of these to you
Is like being honored as the richest king...

And I am undeserving...

I am undeserving...


It's like as soon as I get myself right
Someone says I'm wrong
Someone says that you and I are still gone
Living like we've never seen sun, only night.
Forgive me!
I'm tired of asking for you to give me
Another chance to live these
Lives I have that people keep stealing!
I have a heart, but I get shut down by those I trust!
I get so far, but I get brought back by those who say they must!
It's their duty to remind me that I'm a failure!
I'm a failure!
I'm just another mistake!
I'm just another absent minded life lived for my own present pace!
Not grace!
Grace isn't sufficient for my face!
Not for my place!
Not for my name!
Not for my shame!
Not for such a lonely soul who has no where left to escape!

Just cut open my chest and eat all you can get!
Because the love flowing through is a taste you can't forget!
Drink up my blood and find that my blood is sweet!
You can take all you want, I don't need anymore of me!
Because I hate who I am and how I'll always be deceived!
No matter how hard I try, I'll never be free!
Maybe free from sin, but not from your teeth!
So sink them in deep, and watch as I bleed!
And look me in the eyes and tell me you love me...
You never loved me...
Because I'm just a tumbleweed
Bouncing off the ground on the black top-
Sound waves echoing off the side walk
Because I'm the only one who talks to myself,
I'm the only one who talks to myself,
And the rest of the blood sucking lovers-
I hope they enjoy it in hell.